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You are smarter than him
There was a time in my life when I had to wear diapers to keep from shitting and pissing all over myself. A time when I needed someone else to feed me so that I wouldn't starve. And, there was even a few times when I required someone in the room to know the Heimlich maneuver so that I could continue to inhale oxygen.
These days, with the benefit of age and dexterity, I don't need those things anymore. I can control my own bowels, navigate food to my mouth and chew before swallowing. I've actually come quite a long way. And, as it turns out, there are quite a few other things that I don't need anymore. More specifically, there are things that I don't need to do. Things that, at one time or another, I believed were a necessary activity in order for me to reach some level of fulfillment in my life, but that I now realize I no longer have any desire to do.
For instance, I no longer need to:
Ollie I came across my old skateboard the other day and wondered if I could still do an ollie. Then, an instant later, I wondered what good could possibly come from it. Not only has it been ten years and 100 pounds since my last successful ollie, but the risk (serious injury) far outweighed the reward (uh, personal satisfaction?) on every level. And who would I impress? Anyone that would be blown away by my ability to jump in the air on a skateboard is not someone that I aim to please at this point in my life.
Defend my honor against a stranger I think that as a society we should have evolved beyond this by now. Is it really necessary for me to prove to a person I don't know that I am "not a pussy" as he (or she) asserted I was? Well, there was a time in my life when I did think it was necessary, but not anymore. Oddly enough, my friends are allowed to call me a pussy too, so really the only people that need to watch what they say to me are acquaintances.
Eat things for money Gone are the days in which the promise of $5 could be used to tempt me to eat a can of dog food or something from a public trashcan. Nowadays, I am far more likely to be the one dangling the carrot, or more to the point, the carrot dipped in pigeon droppings, than the one accepting the offer.
Pound an 18-pack Let me start by pointing out that while I don't need to do this ever again, it will most likely happen sometime soon. That said, there was a time when those around me looked upon this achievement as an admirable feat. Sadly, those days have passed and doing so is currently more likely to get me an intervention than a pat on the back.
Shoplift razor cartridges It's not that I think the razor industry is just in their pricing (what they do is an outrage), it's that I don't need to get pinched for lifting a $12 item from the grocery store in the neighborhood I live in. However, I still rank Big Oil, Big Pharma and Big Razor as my own personal axis of evil that must be stopped. To you motherfuckers at Gillette, I don't care how many goddamned blades you put on a razor, it still doesn't cost more than 15 cents to manufacture.
Watch "Lost' This show is getting to be like watching a retarded kid on a quiz show- lots of questions but no fucking answers. In fact, the exponential relationship between questions and answers is staggering. Every time they tell you one new piece of information they jam in ten new mysteries. Haven't you people learned that America has a short attention span? Now that the direction of the show is in step with its title, the time has come for me to get off the island.
Be able to squat a lot of weight Let me preface this by saying that I still need to be able to bench press a lot, because that's still a solid barometer of manhood, but now that I don't have a coach with a Sharpie denoting my max squat on a sheet of yellowed butcher paper in a dank gymnasium for all to see, my squatting days are over. Although, I should qualify this by pointing out that when I fall on hard times financially, there is an abandoned property in my neighborhood that I've got pegged for my squatting days to begin again.
Thanks, but I prefer my knees to be self-supporting
Fly to Vegas on a whim I've done this a few times and on none of those occasions was my BAC under .15%. Guess what people, hotel rooms are booked well in advance and most casinos don't have a room available at 9:00pm on a Saturday night. On top of that, as it turns out, they don't take too kindly to having people sleep in their lobbies, pool areas or in the valet entrance. But they will take every last penny you have. Bet on that.
Display movie/novelty posters in my home As much as I like beer, college, Goodfellas and Pulp Fiction, I no longer have the need to feature a poster in my home to prove it. Nowadays I'd much rather show my appreciation for the finer things, like art that I don't understand and pictures of people I see everyday.
Buy or sell a car secondhand This was the only thing I knew for a great deal of my life, but if you've ever done it you know it's the worst experience ever. The likelihood of fraud, theft and even murder increases tenfold when you open yourself up to this world. Bottom line, I'd rather get raped by a dealership than a guy named Lenny from Pomona, thank you very much.
Save the world I had toyed with the idea of actually trying to do something worthwhile with my life, like perhaps going back to school and then developing an engine that runs on water. You know, just a little something small like that so that I could do my part to end some of the most pressing global problems of our time. Then I thought about how much work that would be and realized I'll just have to force my kids to do it for me someday.
Watch a game just because it's on Just because the Toronto Raptors are playing a televised game against the Golden State Warriors doesn't mean I have to dedicate two-plus hours of my life to see what happens. These days I have more important things to do with my time, like watch reruns of Seinfeld.
Refer to Wham! Songs as "gay" Look, I know their songs are totally gay. I also know the members of the band are totally gay too. But I no longer need to state that when I'm around others, which I gotta say has helped me appreciate "Freedom" in a whole new way.
Pay a cover charge Once upon a time I thought that there was something magical on the other side of that velvet rope that my $20 would buy me access to. Now I know that all I get in return is bad attitudes, overpriced liquor and an upset stomach. Why would I pay for that when I can get the same thing at Bennigan's for free?
That wall should've known when to shut up
Punch a hole in a wall Now that I know that standard stud spacing is 16 inches, I don't like my odds against a wall the way I used to. These days a wall would really have to piss me off to bring me to the point of throwing blows. Even then, unless it was made of paper, I'd probably just let the wall slide.
Speak with my father First off, I am sure that I will speak to my father beyond this writing (presuming he never reads this), but do I need to talk to him again? Not really. We could probably get by just fine on hand motions and grunts. In fact, if we stuck to grunts only I can almost guarantee there would be fewer misunderstandings between us. I'd say the same for hand motions if it weren't for the one I use almost daily on my commute, which would almost certainly be used around the holidays.
So there you have it. Now let us have it. What don't you need to do anymore?
Posts: 82 Rank: 48 Joined:
10/21/2005
Location:
Okinawa, Japan
Posted: 12/12/2006 2:25:10 AM
I have long outlived the need to...
WEAR A CONDOM
With the amount of seeds I have smoked in my weekly dose of bammer I can guarantee that I have been shooting blanks since 1982. Besides, if I have a nasty case of the burns, I'd love nothing better than to have someone else feel my pain.
PS I know a lot of people have been missing the shit that has been running in the columns section which we have now fixed starting with this piece by Scott Hofman of NFL All-Criminal Team fame. But if you missed yesterday's column by Kiley and Melkus then you know you done fucked up right? Go back to the home page and it should be the 4th article "Grandson's Football Game" or in recent columns under The Phreemen in the columns tab on the right of the homepage. It really is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. And now back to things I no longer need to do like get every wrestling PPV when they always tell me the next day who won the fucking title. Besides who could possibly afford all 4 PPVs that are on this month.
Posts: 154 Rank: 76 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Capital of Awesome, IA
Posted: 12/12/2006 8:55:47 AM
I no longer feel the need to drink until I blackout and then pick up the easiest (see largest) thing that I can find at the bar.....Except for a couple weeks ago...that was the last time...or maybe Friday...Friday will be the last time.
Posts: 47 Rank: 75 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Naptown, IN
Posted: 12/12/2006 9:22:27 AM
I no longer need to... Pretend to be comfortable around blacks, Muslims, and or Jews Stop beating gays like they're hookers in GTA Treat women like people
That covers it, right? Racists-check, homophobes-check, misogynists-check.
Oh, I also don't have to make social commentary on comedy sites.
Posts: 38 Rank: 89 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Boston, MA
Posted: 12/12/2006 9:23:13 AM
. . . share a toilet or shower with another dude. I am probably immune to HIV from inhaling the steam from my fraternity shower and immune from Hepatitis from my time of waiting in an actual line to take a shit but that was a time I can never revisit. Now, if there's a short and curly somewhere I damn sure know it's mine ('cause it couldn't be the little lady's if you know what I mean. Wink! Wink!)
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 12/12/2006 10:07:14 AM
I don't need to take down my "Ususal Suspects" poster just because I'm ot in college anymore. Yeah, like I'd really prefer to have a landscape painting or tapestry!
And I don't need to be insulted by anonymous commenters on the internet. Obviously, puttting down the people who read these articles is not the way to go d-bag.
Posts: 31 Rank: 157 Joined:
11/14/2005
Location:
Savannah, GA
Posted: 12/12/2006 10:25:18 AM
I no longer need to respond to talk trash on the court to gain some sort of mental advantage over my younger opponent, because I now realize, win or lose, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm just happy to be able to run, jump, and breathe simultaneously at this point.
A girl is not going to wax my knob just becuase I bought her a drink, so why not let her get drunk on her own or let other dudes step in and get her good and loose. I'm a strong believer in cherry-picking at the end of the night.
My friends never seem to have the cash to buy me drinks after I've covered their first four rounds, so I never get my dues anway.
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