Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
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For this first iDate Your Friends, I chose a random lucky lady from Myspace. However, post your friends' URLs for Myspace, Facebook, Friendster, or their blogs and I'll pick one every other week. Then I'll imagine what a date with them will be like based on their information.
"Oh, and when I say Midget, it's not meant to be an insult to anyone. I'm referring to my beautiful daughter. Don't like that I use that term? Fuck off. It's my choice"
"Song that makes me want to do very naughty things: NIN's 'Closer'"
"Song that I think everyone who reads this should own: Rod Stewart's 'Maggie May'"
"My sense of sarcasm is my life-blood, but my sincerity will be the death of me."
"I am addicted to Myspace. I don't classify myself as a MyWhore, but I do spend a shit-load of time on here."
"My mom, the English teacher, made me do book reports for her during spring and summer breaks"
"Because yes, I like sex. And yes, I talk and write blogs about sex. But until you've actually fucked me, you're not going to fuck me. Keeping it private is what keeps it special. Keeping it personal is what makes it Awesome."
THE DATE
Her daughter answers the door.
"Hello Midget!" I say.
She runs to Awesome Zara and bawls into her T-shirt that reads, "I'm not your MyWhore."
"I should have told you. I only call her M-I-D-G-E-T behind her back. Otherwise she cries," Awesome Zara says. She squats down to Midget level, "You be good for the babysitter. I expect a book report on Curious George Goes to Afghanistan in the morning."
After we walk outside, she says, "Curious George has a current events learning series now. But this one's a couple years old."
We drive to Chilli's. The host stares at Amesome Zara's chest the entire time he's seating us.
"They're tits. Get over it," she says to him.
"No, ah, I was just reading your shirt. I, uh, your Awesome Zara?" he says with a lisp. "I subscribe to your blog. I'm #1-Chemical-Romance-Fan Tony. Wow, the way you write is the way I want to feel."
"I hate compliments," she says. He's on the verge of tears as he walks away.
"Can you tell our server we'd like to start with a Awesome Blossom?" I yell after him. "I think your blogs are mediocre at best."
"You don't like them?"
"No . . . yes. No, I meant that sarcastically."
We sit in silence, drinking Presidente Margaritas. When I get up to go to the bathroom, I find the host who sat us.
"I need you to do me a huge favor, put this CD on for me." I've downloaded the karaoke version of Rod Stewart's "Maggie May" and burned it to a CD.
"Sir, I can't do that. It's satellite radio. The station is locked."
"You're fucking up my big date with Awesome Zara!"
He sees the desperation in my eyes.
Two more pitchers of margaritas later, a rag-tag group of employees surround our table and start humming the chorus to "Maggie May."
I stand up on my chair and begin singing. Losing my balance, I land on a waiter. The humming continues as well as my slurred singing. Awesome Zara starts to stand on her chair, but is stopped by two servers. Unfazed, she belts out the lyrics louder than me. Other customers asked to be moved away to other tables.
When we're asked to leave, she yells, "I don't give a fuck!"
In the parking she chews on my ear and asks if I have any Nine Inch Nails in the car.
"I know something better," I say and drive her to Que Loca Cantina. Clavos de Nueve Pulgada, an all-Latino Nine Inch Nails cover band, is playing.
The bar is filled with Mexican Rancheros in cowboy hats and Latino high schoolers in black make-up. Nueve Inche Nails' lead singer wears a black fishnet shirt, which doesn't flatter his beer gut. He screams into the microphone, "Yo quero juder tu como un animal!"
We do shots of Jose Cuervo and drink cans of Tecate while the band sings "Cerdo de Marzo" and "Cabeza Como Agujero." When the lead singer says Buenes Noches, Awesome Zara begins booing and demanding more.
Two muscular men approach and start pushing us towards the exit. I try to punch one of them. Instead I black out when he punches me first.
When I come to, I'm naked in the backseat of my car. Awesome Zara's naked too.
"I have to be home in 15 minutes to put Midget to bed. We need to have sex quickly. But promise me you won't tell anyone."
I cross my fingers and promise her I won't.
"Why are you crossing your fingers?" she asks.
"Why are you so goddamn beautiful?"
"Fuck you, I hate compliments."
"Do you hate it when I do this?"
"Yes," she says.
"Really?"
"I'm being sarcastic. Keep going."
Five minutes later, it's all over. I ask her if she'll hold me while I weep softly.
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"Uh, yeah, sarcastic, that's it."
I drive her home. Midget is on the front step when we pull up. When Awesome Zara opens the car door, I wave and yell "Good night, M-I-D-G-E-T!"
She begins crying again. I probably should have put my clothes back on after sex.
***
Don't forget to add links to your friends that should date.
Posts: 154 Rank: 55 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Capital of Awesome, IA
Posted: 12/13/2006 8:48:36 AM
"Two muscular men approach and start pushing us towards the exit. I try to punch one of them. Instead I black out when he punches me first. "
Its funny cuz it's happened to me....except it wasn't after a date, it was after a Martini Buffet. Yeah, I don't recommend going to one of those. They'll get ya.
You've got to check this chick out. Scroll down and read her "All American Story". It really is the American Dream come true... Fucked up in so many ways. This girl's got enough daddy issues for 5 or 6 Vegas whores. http://www.myspace.com/bustygirltoy
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 12/13/2006 11:40:01 AM
This is the first article in the history of tpp that made me have to close my door. this column is going to be fantastic, simply because it deals with real freaks. When you said, "hello Midget", I let out one of those laughs that are more like a scream, you know, a big: HAAAAAAAA. I don't normally laugh like that, but that was warranted. Great job. I can't wait till next week.
You guys can submit my Myspace if you want. It won't be good for this column though because its pretty sarcastic. I don't know how to post links because I am huge tart.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 12/13/2006 11:54:32 AM
i don't post my pic because i don't want any of you fucking schizo-tards trying to find me on myspace and telling my girl that i'm not being sarcastic when i tell her i don't like blacks, poor people, or catholics. thanks for pointing out another annoying fact nick, you're a real charmer, asshole.
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