Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
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This edition of iDate Your Friends was supposed to run two weeks ago , but, due to some computer problems and the fact that my parents still use a modem they purchased off ebay from the making of War Games, I wasn't able to get it in on time. So here it is: iDate BustyGirlToy. Special thanks to Ernesto for introducing us.
Quotes pulled from Tatiana's Myspace page. I'm a girl toy, use me!
I was originally a 34 A, zero cleavage, flat as a pan. Now I'm a 34 G.
I can get an orgasm via nipple stimulation.
I love to be whipped, tied, spanked, and handcuffed.
I'm taking kickboxing classes once a week.
Physically he should be tall (at least a few inches taller than me!) and strong.
I love domination/submission roleplays, bondage and to be disciplined.
Do you want this picture of my tits? Add me to your Top Friends list!
My initial correspondence with Tatitana goes well, and when she sends me a naked photo of herself, I instantaneously ejaculate upon seeing it. I print a life-size, full-color poster of the photo at Kinko's. The young employees look at me funny when I ask them to laminate it. After I promise to buy them a case of Smirnoff Ice, they hurriedly use all the laminent in the store.
I hang the poster in my studio apartment. To practice looking tough and establishing dominance, I repeat these commanding phrases to the poster:
You are my busty girl toy, I will use you.
Sit.
I will not cry in front of you.
No, your ex-boyfriend will not accompany us to the beach.
I cannot breath with your breasts on my face.
Get your stilettos off the hood of my Toyota Corolla!
It's a beautiful day outside. Why am I wasting it away by fucking the life-sized poster of you? Good thing I laminated it.
To feel more confident, I go to my plastic surgeon.
"What will $100 get me?" I ask the doctor.
"Collagen lip injections."
"Will that make a stripper like me?"
"Probably not," he says.
"Probably is good enough for me!"
The Collagen lips frighten my cat. It won't come out from under the bed, not even to eat.
On the night of my big date with Tatiana, I drive over to Crazy Titties Gentlemen's Club. Tatiana's onstage when I enter. To make her jealous, I get a lap dance from a stripper named Spicy. While she's pressing her ass against my face, I try to make conversation.
"So . . . Spicy, I've read a lot of strippers were touched by their fathers."
Her ass stops bouncing. A single tear rolls across the tattooed tear in the corner of her eye. She picks up her leopard G-string and runs away, her clear plastic stilettos clicking across the gold floor. A table of Japanese business men stare at me, so I yell after her, "Cool, I'll see you at my crystal meth after-party."
I grab the next stripper. I don't want Tatiana to see me sitting alone. This girl smells like cotton candy and has the vacant stare of a carny. Let's just call her Lost Childhood. I take shots of Jagermeister from between her tits. She tells me I'm cute. After five more shots I believe her. I believe my Collagen lips are working. My cat doesn't know shit.
When I've given Lost Childhood all the money in my wallet, she points me to the ATM. Luckily there's only a $40 service charge.
Tatiana's shift ends and she shoos Lost Childhood away from me.
"What's up with your lips?" she asks.
"They look like yours! You are my toy girl, I will busty you," I slur.
"Whatever, let's just get this date overwith."
I still need to establish dominance. When we get to my car I grab her hands, twist them around her back, and slap on handcuffs.
"You have the right to remain fucking sexy," I say.
I push her against the car. Her overfilled tits bounce hard against the window. The recoil is so powerful that it knocks me down.
She puts her sharp heal on my neck and says, "Come on, tough guy! I kickbox."
From my belt, I grab the bull whip that I was going to use later for sex. I aim for her face. But it bounces ineffectively off her nipples, turning her on.
When the cops show up, I'm trying to say "I won't cry in front of you!" But I'm crying too hard to speak. They force her to let me up. When they go to cuff her, they're surprised to see she already has furry handcuffs on.
Still needing to look tough in front of Tatiana, I decide to punch a cop. He catches my fist. I'm about to say, "Wow, people can actually do that?" But three cops tazor me before I can.
Casualities of nursing kittens.
Three days later, I awake on a thin mattress in a jail cell. A muscular man with teardrops tattooed around his eyes is spooning me.
"Them fat lips look real nice," he says as he nibbles my earlobe.
My screams echo out of the prison and give neighborhood children nightmares for a week.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 1/17/2007 7:17:33 AM
I am ot sure as I glossed through it because I kept going back to the myspace page. Thank you for alerting me to the fact that there were words printed there amongst the melon forest.
And after your tatiana date turned south, at least you got some sweet lovin from your new jail pal. ...wait...sweet lovin, ass rape...they're the same right?
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 1/17/2007 11:02:12 AM
I’m back on my happy meds, and I think they make me more alert. 2 things I noticed in this article: 1) The first pic says transformation complete. This leads me to believe that Tatiana was probably a dude no more than 6 months ago. 2) In the intro the statement that Ryan was waiting on his parent’s slow modem, this made me think that the studio apartment where he so violently defiled himself is probably his parent’s basement. Sorry to call you out on that, but hey I love the series.
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