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Tom Takes His Hip Dirty Mirror Photo
When I joined Myspace.com I was probably more excited than most people to learn that I already had a friend, Tom. Not being accustomed to a lot of friends in my life, I usually quit looking for other friends in new social situations once I have one. So I figured my job was done, I had Tom.
Tom and I didn't talk a lot. I sent him a couple messages, asking if he wanted to play online Scrabble or gossip about all the Myspace sluts through IM. I also posted a comment on his page, "Hey dude, thanks for the add!" He never got back to me, though. I just figured he was busy monitoring the site for nude photos, abusive language, or underage users. Personally, I spent most of my days doing the same thing and thanking God that Tom hadn't found and deleted them before I saw them.
Then last July, Tom changed. The fun-loving Tom, who would take photos of himself in a dirty bathroom mirror and or in front of a dry-erase board, started hanging out with the devoutly-conservative, media tycoon Rupert Murdock.
"What's up, Tom? I thought we were friends," I screamed to the wall in my bedroom covered in photos of Tom. "Then you go behind my back and hang out with the man responsible for Fox News?
"Don't you remember those long nights we used to stay up not talking or even being in the same room, and you would tell me -- via your online profile -- that your General Interests were "Dancing," "Karaoke," and the "History of Communism?" How do you think Rupert will react to you lolly-prancing around the karaoke stage singing 'Back in the USSR?' You commie fuck!"
Two days later, I pulled myself out of my dark emotional hole and realized that Myspace had been bought by Rupert and his company, News Corp. I yelled, "What else don't I know about you, Tom?"
Tom & his new friend Rupert
I intended to find out.
Under the category 'Education' on his profile, Tom wrote, "I'm an open book." First of all, that doesn't make any sense. An open book has no level of education or intellegence. It has no brain. An open book is something that a lazy librarian forgot to close. Secondly, if he's such an open book, why didn't I know his last name was Anderson or the fact that he used to be in a band called Swank?
His failed band put out one CD called, "The Think For Yourself Movement," on the punk label Fueled by Ramen in 1999. At the same time, Tom was working for the company Intermix Media making 'adware' and 'spyware' that allowed large corporations to fuck with your home computers. How very punk rock, way to 'think for yourself.'
Tom plays the everyman; just a guy who happened to be fooling around with html, stumbled upon multi-million dollar website, and now wants to share it with his "pals." Well, coincidently, Tom rhymes with pawn. Intermix Media developed Myspace and they could give a fuck about you as much as Wal-Mart cares whether you buy products "Made in the USA."
Bill, your sister, and Tom
And on top of it all, by far the most disturbing thing that I've learned about Tom is that he has the following listed under his favorite music: "Whitney Houston (particularly The Bodyguard soundtrack)," "George Michael," "Barry Manilow," and "Rod Stewart." Also, some of his favorite movies are "Breakfast at Tiffanys" and "Grease." Why would any straight man list those?
A date rapist would. At the end of the night, how do you get a girl to come back to your place? "Do you want to listen to 'The Bodyguard Soundtrack' in my car while we drive to my place to watch 'Grease'? Listen, Tom wants to rape your sister. He and Bill O'Reilly are going to tag-team her while she sleeps off a roofie cocktail. Sean Hannity will be holding the video camera and Rupert Murdock will be jerking off all over your blogs and friends' comments. Why not? He owns them all now anyway.
So delete Tom from your friends list now before it's too late. Your poor sister will thank you.
Too much tom. And as much as I like random comdedy the Final Solution article was better. Seacrest out.
Jato
what the?
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Posted: 11/10/2005 11:55:35 AM
I thought this was funny but i got kinda old by the end.
Tom A
O'Reilly's Expression is Great
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Posted: 11/10/2005 12:04:50 PM
Don't know anything about this MySpace.com, or Tom, but it's good to know that Rupert Murdock has found a way to make some money.
P.S. What's Bill up to with his right hand?
Patrick
Tom A
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Posted: 11/10/2005 1:16:18 PM
Looks like Bill is checking her oil.
Tom's Friend
Oh you know Tom?
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Posted: 11/10/2005 1:49:05 PM
Tom's my good buddy too. If you check my buddy list you'll see that Dane Cook and Carl Winslow are also my good buddies. My favorite band is switchfoot, my favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, if I was a cast member of aqua teen i'd be Frylock LMAO!!
Christine
I'm a moron
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Posted: 11/10/2005 2:51:58 PM
Wait, so this MySpace thing is like friendster or something? Anyone can just join your friend list? That sucks.
nono
jerkoff
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Posted: 11/10/2005 5:12:36 PM
that was funny shit. i just recently signed onto that bullshit and i had TWO friends as soon as i pressed enter. it was great. i'll have to get in touch with them!
John Q
Bill
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Posted: 11/11/2005 1:33:08 AM
Is that the funniest pic of oreilly u guys have seen?
albanian guy
I thought...
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Posted: 11/11/2005 12:42:51 PM
Tom wanted me to shave my pubes. Boy was I wrong. Damn you Tom...damn you.
Christine
In Honor of the Lack
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Posted: 11/11/2005 2:12:12 PM
of new articles today, I joined MySpace as well. Will some of you guys be my friends if you are on there? I guess you could try to just type in Christine Elizabeth Ann Marie and see if my profile comes up. I only have two friends and Tom is one of them.
Let me know if it works and let me know if my pictures have been uploaded.
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