Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
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Intro: A girl I'm dating in real life (let's call her Coco) chose the lucky person for this week's iDate. She sent me a few choices from LDSPlanet.com and I asked why my only choices were fat Mormons. Coco replied, "I'm not going to send you out with a hot chick." Again, I reminded her that I didn't "actually" date these women. But she stuck by her choices. "Jealousy" must have been named after a woman.
To sign into the site: Username: modestmckee Password: phratphree
From RecycledPurity's profile: 30 years old 5' 4" tall Big & Beautiful build Average looking Hospice Nurse (occupation) Temple Worthy I love animals, but I only have a couple of kitties, a chinchilla, a turtle, and a fish right now(sarcasm). I love Disneyland and usually have an annual pass
The Date Recycled Purity and I eat our picnic in the forest. I brought Odoul's to drink. She brought a Tupperware full of pot roast for us to eat with white bread. There's also a stick of butter.
"Where's the freshly-churned butter?" I ask.
She giggles uncomfortably and says, "What do you mean?
"You know," I say. "Our people make wonderful churned butter on account we don't believe in electricity."
"You're joking right? That's the Amish."
"Uhhhh … I grew up Amish Mormon."
"That's not even a thing."
I fake laugh and say, "I know. I was just joking." To change the subject, I say, "If you were a Spice Girls, you'd be Hoe Spice."
"Okay, I think this date is over…"
"No, it's another joke. Because you're a Hospice Nurse. Not because you're a hoe. I know that you've recycled your purity. When a aluminum can is recycled, it's as good as new."
"Thank you, that's actually a really interesting way of putting it," says Recycled Purity.
"However, recycled toilet paper is rough and horrible. When you wipe your patient's butts, I hope you don't use that."
She actually laughs, then crams another hunk of pot roast in her mouth. This is her eighth helping. "So how long have you been practicing Mormonism," she asks.
"Well, I picked up the book after I started watching that show Big Love," I say.
"That's a horrible show!" she gasps.
"You're right. The writing isn't very good. But I think Chloe Sevigny is hot. I've dug her ever since she got AIDS in Kids."
Right then Johanndutch, also from LDSPlanet.com, rumbles by us with a bungee chord tied to her ankle. She dives, graceful like a moose, into the nearby ravine.
Recycled Purity looks distressed, so I say, "Oh, don't worry, she's a bungee jumper."
Although, not a smart bungee jumper, because the ravine was only 6 foot deep. When we climb down there, she's laying in a stagnant pool of water and blood. I introduce them: "Date #1 meet Date #2, Johanndutch, who enjoys bungee jumping, scuba diving, glass blowing, airbrush, and beading."
"You have the wrong idea. The LDS Church doesn't support bigamy anymore," yells Recycled Purity.
"Doesn't support it … publicly. C'mon, if you dug up Joseph Smith you'd smell more than one woman on him," I say and rub her pudgy back.
She slaps me. Her hand feels like warm buttermilk.
Luckily I know a Mormon woman's weakness. I open my backpack and say, "I brought stuff for scrapbooking!"
As if hypnotized, both women sit on the ground. They start cutting out the pictures from the magazines I brought: Tiger Beat, Petting Zoo Monthly, and Missionary Hunks. Johanndutch pastes together a photos of Brigham Young and Lindsay Lohan. She makes it look like they're holding hands, draws a heart around them, and pastes pictures of rabbits around them.
"Brigham Young could save her," she insists.
Recycled Purity glues a photo of herself at Disneyland alongside a photos of American Idol's Sanjaya and a chinchilla. She gets mad when there's not a photo of a turtle in Petting Zoo Monthly.
Recently I read in The Game by Neil Strauss that you can get women into a threesome if you get them into a three-way massage. So I suggest that we get some threeway scrapbooking action. We each paste photos of ourselves in one scrapbook, then use Elmer's glue to give ourselves glitter halos. Suddenly all our hands are touching and I say, "This is just like what it'll be like when we're in the seventh heaven."
It totally works. We begin threeway kissing and before long, we're all naked and rolling in the grass. I sink my fingers into their warm thighs, like mixing tapioca with my hands.
Suddenly Coco runs in with a shotgun and screams, "I'll teach you to cheat on me!"
"Wait, no, we were just playing 'hotdog.' I'm the dog. They're fluffy, white, huge buns," I say.
Coco lowers the gun and says, "Hmmm, that would explain the ketchup and mustard all over you."
"Exactly, I say.
She lets the Mormons go. Johanndutch tries to bungee jump into the ditch again. I guess she forgot how shallow it is.
As I'm wiping off the condiments, I ask, "How did you get in my iDate?"
"I'll be anywhere you try to cheat on me," Coco says.
Posts: 214 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
NYC, NY
Posted: 4/25/2007 10:26:14 AM
But I want credit for setting you on to ldsmeet.com. Weeks ago I tild you that dating Mormons would be awesome. Anyone who believes that Jesus resureccted and lived with the Indians will believe anything (e.g. you're still a virgin if I only put it in your ass.)
Posts: 1714 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 4/25/2007 10:35:03 AM
The extremely sad part is if you go to Utah you cant turn around without seeing at least one really really hot girl. The problem is most of them are mormon and you'll have to marry most of them if you want to get any.
Utah only has about 5 bars but they are still packed with hotties who have rejected the church and their parents controlling ways. When in Utah, a good rule of thumb is:
If she's psycho inside your head, she's psycho in reality. Also, if my small amount of experience (hooked up with 3 mormon chix... seperately) is any indication, they are pretty easy, but batshit crazy. Tread carefully all.
It's really hard to top positive singles.com, I still laugh when I think of that, and I've shared the site with many people.
Posts: 509 Rank: 23 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 4/25/2007 10:49:24 AM
An LDS Scrapbooking party: now that's a sight to behold. Nothing screams fun like a Saturday night cutting out pictures of past scrapbooking parties to add to little books.
Posts: 59 Rank: 101 Joined:
3/29/2007
Location:
4th Ring of Hell, MO
Posted: 4/25/2007 10:57:08 AM
"As if hypnotized..."
Fucking lost it and laughed out loud at this line. What is with these women and the idiotic notion of documenting your retarded life (or worse, the life you WISH you had) with Elmer's glue and glitter?
Any day now, Toque is gonna get a patient with a scrapbook crammed up their ass, begging to have it removed quickly before the glue sets.
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