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This will be the year I race towards happiness! On my stationary bike.
I know my neighbors so well, I've written what I imagine are their New Year's Resolutions.
Cat Guy with Gray Ponytail 1) Complete scratching-post model of New York City skyline.
2) Finish writing novel: Paws, Paws, Tail.
3) Get Muffin's brain tumor removed.
4) Adopt four new cats and name them: Mousy, Scratches, Alexander the Great, and Uncle Buck.
5) Diversify home business: in addition to marijuana sell shrooms, self-published Dungeons & Dragons guide books, Phish bootlegs, and crocheted sweaters for cats.
6) Update StevieNicksfanpictures.com weekly.
7) Learn to summon California Condors and teach them to do my bidding.
Five-person Family with Year-Round Christmas Lights in Window 1) Save enough money to buy The Jeffersons box set.
2) Move up to two-bedroom apartment.
3) Add year-round Easter decorations to year-round Christmas lights.
4) Buy grandma's hip replacement so she doesn't stare oddly at the neighbors from the front door.
Middle-Aged Women with 1970's Stationary Exercise Bike 1) Start exercising on bike.
2) Lose 47 pounds on new Kale and Sesame Seed Diet.
That hat makes the man.
3) Limit crying jags to once a week.
4) Start new eHarmony profile (old one must be broken).
5) Stop shopping at Full, Fluffy, and Morbidly Obese Women's Clothing Store.
6) Adopt a cat from pound and name it after my favorite romance novel, Uncle Buck.
7) Strike up conversation with the dashing ponytailed neighbor.
Gay Hispanic Couple with the Cocker Spaniel (aka my next-door neighbors) 1) Buy pink Versace collar for Sweet �Ums
2) Order matching pink top hats.
3) Play Marenga music more often! It makes everybody happy!
4) Set alarm so as to have loud, obnoxious ass-sex at 3am every day.
5) Invite next-door neighbor over for empanadas, margaritas, and roofies.
Seven Residents of Punk Rock Flophouse (a one bedroom apartment) 1) Continue playing Crass' Penis Envy album on constant rotation.
2) Play music louder to drown out marengay (sic) music.
3) Get more roommates to kick in rent.
Why must Craigslist mock dumb punkers?
4) Decide on name for band, either Cliff of Wolves, Demonic Beings, or Uncle Buck.
5) Learn how to use Craigslist.
6) Post an ad to find drummer, guitarist, and bassist.
A resolution for my neighbors to the right: Build a higher fence so I can't see your crowded animal graveyard from our third-floor window... seriously, yikes.
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