Fantasy Football Queen's Interests: General Clogging, Coffee, Reading, Rubber Stamping, iVillage.com and Emergency Medicine.
I loves Jesus and my family. I am an avid football fan and love my Seattle Seahawks.
The Date:
I arrive a bouquet of roses at Fumbles Sports Bar at 9:30am, in time for the first games to start on the West Coast.
A La-Z-Boy has been hauled on top of a corner-booth table. In it reclines the Queen herself, eating a turkey leg that looks like it came from a Pterodactyl and wearing a crown made of Nerf footballs.
"Fantasy Football Queen, I presume?"
"Shhhh!" she says spitting dark meat all over my face. "I'm trying to watch this Bud Light commercial!"
The Swear Jar commercial ends and she breaks out in deep, convulsive laughter. She yanks on a chain that's attached to a small dweebish man's wrists, pulling his hands off the laptop he's typing on.
"Minion! Write down that I like that commercial!" she shouts.
"Yes, my lady," he says bowing his head.
The scene resembles Jabba the Hut jerking Princess Leia's chain.
"Um, hi, I'm your date," I say and hand her the roses.
"Hey! Everyone! Look, this fag brought roses to game day!" she screams.
The six men in the bar look annoyed and then go back to watching the TV.
"What does he think this is, Gay Day?!" she bellows and laughs hysterically. "Minion . . ."
"Yes, Gay Day, I've already written it," he says.
She grabs the flowers and bites into three of the blossoms.
"I guess this will be my salad for today," she yells, but everyone in the bar ignores her. "Hey guys, check it out, I'm eating the roses . . ."
They continue ignoring her.
"Fine! I'll keep my hilarious jokes to myself!"
*****
I sit down in the booth by her minion. Her chair takes up the whole table, so I keep my beer in my lap.
"So what's your deal?" I say to her minion.
"Don't talk to him!" Queen says.
He looks at me pleadingly and mouths "Help me."
Taken right before she killed her mother to take her crown.
Without looking away from the Pittsburgh/Cleveland game, she says, "I own him. He lost to me $137,000 in last year's fantasy football season and now he has to work it off."
"What's with the laptop?"
"I'm in 87 different fantasy football leagues. He's keeping track of all of them."
"I have a wife and kids," he mouths to me. Suddenly his arms are jerked up when the Queen starts cheering after a Heath Miller catch.
"Yeah! That's my nigga!"
A Black man leaves his family in a booth, walks over to us, and says, "Ma'am, could you not say that word? It's offensive to me and my family."
"Whatever, Miller's not even Black."
"Still, it's not nice," he says.
"Sentinels!"
Two dark figures emerge from the shadows. They're wearing Seattle Seahawk helmets and bullet proof vests and holding long spears. They grab the Black man.
"Wha, what are you doing? Get off me!" he yells as they drab him away.
"Daddy!" his little girl screams.
Miller catches a TD pass.
"That's my nigga!"
*****
The Seattle/Buccaneers game begins.
"Ahhhhhhh, yeah!" she bellows. "Everyone bows their heads for a prayer!"
Everyone ignores her besides her minion and the sentinels.
"Dear All-Powerful Lord, please guide Your humble servants The Seahawks into the promised land land of 100-yard kickoff returns, powerhouse screen passes, and career-ending sacks. And please smite Satan's demons The Buccaneers. Please give Jeff Garcia incurable herpes cancer that makes his cock fall off at half-time and please cause Cadillac Williams' neck to spontaneous explode as he steps foot on Your sacred Holy Land, Qwest Field. Amen."
She's initially disappointed when Cadillac's neck doesn't explode, but when a big hit sends him to the sidelines, she's so excited she orders a baker's dozen hamburgers with Krispy Kreme donuts as buns to celebrate.
When Matt Hasselbeck connected with Maurice Morris for a 34-yard touchdown, making it 20 - 6, the Queen rolled out of her chair for the first time, and began clogging to celebrate.
"Sentinels dance with me!" she commands.
They begin dancing, when suddenly from a dark corner, two arrows shoot out and hit the sentinels in the back. A small woman with glasses sets from the shadows.
"My wife!" yells the minion.
Seeing his opportunity, the minion jumps up and throws his chains around the Queen's neck, strangling her Princess Liea-style.
Her fat tongue wags its dying dance and she utters, "How many fan points do I have?"
She falls to the floor and her minion says, "There's a new Queen in town!"
Posts: 420 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/12/2007 10:15:48 AM
Yea AB, I think she is. last I heard though she was kidnapped by ninjas.
Still good McKee, but I agree the star wars jokes are getting old..
I got a call this morning from our HR Director. Couldn't log into the system. I told her it was because she was fired. She hung up on me. I called her back and told her I was just joking. She was crying...How does the HR director not know if she is fired or not???
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/12/2007 10:22:07 AM
I"m not bitch boy he just happens to be in the know, that prostitutes are not real people, they fall into the same catogory as homeless mexican handicapped and fat.
McKee sorry man the ADD was kicking in strong today i got about 1/3 of the way through and couldn't read any further. I try back later.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/12/2007 10:25:05 AM
Well I just had to go to city hall and drop off some papers to my boss, who is on trial. and on my way out, there was a guy on a bench wearing a hospital robe and his arm was in a sling and his face was bleeding.
So much randomness. I wanted to sit down and talk to him so bad. did he not have insurance? did he escape? does he dress like that everyday? these are things I want to know.
Posts: 769 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 9/12/2007 10:27:41 AM
Everytime I'm near your job all I see are hot chicks. There could a tank going right down --------- Street crushing cars in its wake, and I probably wouldn't even see it.
And i agree with bastahd, the write out ode to princess leia rear naked choke out seemed kinda lazy.
Otherwise enjoyable though.
Although all fantasy football leagues should have a rule that the only way you can have a girl team manager is if their logo is a shot of her topless. ...agreed?
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