Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
I love the Golden Globes! It's like a chance for everyone to act as retarded as the rejects on "American Idol" and get just as drunk as Paula. Even Seacrest gets to stand around outside and query the participants about their chances before they trudge through the double door of destiny or debacle. Some get a golden ticket to Hollywood like Eddie Murphy while others get ridiculed for saying stupid shit just because they are on TV like Isaiah. But seriously, is anyone really still shocked that a straight black guy is insensitive about gays? And since when was sensitivity a job requirement? If the gay dude can act straight on the show, can't the hard ass black dude act sensitive? If you really want to punish him make him do a sequel to Philadelphia with Collin Hanks since he's just the poor man's Denzel in the first place.
I will say that big mouth idiots have completely fucking ruin comedy though. Isaiah might make it impossible to call my retard friends faggots, and Mel Gibson has single handedly kept me from being able to use my sugar tits line to pick up chicks at Bat Mitzvahs, but Michael Richards is the fucking 9/11 of comedy. Everything has changed since that day. I attended the Phat Phree sponsored Chadzumockapalooza last week which featured pants sharting sets from Aisha Tyler, Sam Tripoli, Jeff Ross and the always hysterical Sarah Silverman. But after the show this black dude berated Sarah for using the n-word in her set! His logic being that since he doesn't use the word she shouldn't. He didn't seem to have any problem with the fact that Chris Rock's brother Tony used the word twice in his set, but the fact that Sarah used it in a bit that she has been doing for 3 years and is on her DVD Jesus Loves Magic somehow offended him. He admitted that he loved 90% of her set but that the N-word was just uncalled for. So let me get this straight. It was okay when her first joke was about being raped to her intro music. It was fine when she said that Jews ran the media, or that Mexicans were all dirty. And nothing was bothersome at all about her holocaust, homosexual or mental disability jokes. But when she made fun of the fact that black guys call each other nigger, it was suddenly a problem? What the fuck is that?
Either you don't like offensive comedy because it's not your thing, or your love it. But you can't tell me that a comedian is allowed to joke about every group of people on the planet except yours. And it was a joke for Christ's sake. When Sarah gets heckled she actually makes fun of the hecklers she doesn't just fling racial epithets at them. And that's not even what happened. As far as I'm concerned your ticket to the comedy club is just like a turn signal, it's is an excepted agreement between all involved parties to stay the fuck out of each others way. If you walk through the door you might just hear a joke. And if done right, these things called jokes might sometimes contain offensive stereotypes and hilariously destroy social morays. Look, I'm as tired of this whole Michael Richards thing as I'm sure the rest of you are, so I make you this promise. If I use the words nigger, wetback, chink, mick, dago, towelhead, kraut, spearchucker, peckerwood, pikey, Canadian, nip, beaner, camel jockey, honky, limey, paki, slope, wop or call a cheap bastard a jew, I will try to at least have a joke attached to it and not just direct it at someone who is screwing up my act. And if I see Michael Richards anytime soon I will filet his triceps with my ka-bar and then choke him with the stringy muscle tissue tied in a noose like a good old fashioned 1950's 'bama lynching. One stupid irresponsible fuck always ruins it for the rest of us.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Did you ever smoke an eighth of afghani, turn on the black light and then stare directly into one of those brown box Radio Shack strobe lights wondering if you could self induce a seizure by having one of your buddies randomly change the speed? Well, director Joe Carnahan has made it a lot easier to garner the same effect with this jump cut festival that makes the average MTV fair look like the tracking shot at the beginning of The Player. The dialogue isn't quite up to the level of Tarantino moments like Denzel's Silver Surfer speech in Crimson Tide (yes, Quentin did do an uncredited script doctoring on that flick) or his classic moments like "you must of thought it was white boy day" or the Madonna speech in Reservoir Dogs. But this film does run through a quartet of increasingly cooler hired guns in true Kill Bill form. Alicia Keys' hit woman even conjured Aliyah like rumblings in the lower east side of my phallic borrough. Given I'm the guy that buys those calendars of the camouflaged bikini girls with automatic weapons. But even fully dressed the Grammy winner looks hotter with a gun than Amada Peet's topless cross-eyed wombat caught in a crossfire scene in The Whole Nine Yards.
But as much as you may start to love the colorful assassins and quippy cops like Alanis' man bitch Ryan Reynolds, this epileptic romp belongs to only one man. Even without his "Entourage", Jeremy Piven's sleazy stage magician still manages to get into all the best clubs and all the worst trouble. Just don't expect any warm hearted "hug it out bitch" moments to penetrate the reverse kung fu movie logic of the bad guys trying to snuff out the snitch. This movie is just the kind of ultra violent and slick garbage that was perfectly constructed to break the bleak box office boredom of tear jerker art house crap that was made purely to win awards and not to entertain its viewers. So grab some popcorn and bring something to bite down on because this flick was designed to seize your balls and shake them like Muhammad Ali with an Olympic torch.
Fuck Park City! My hotel room is $1100 dollars a night, beers are $12.50, and cheap pick up lines are not working even for the guys who actually are Hollywood producers. Plus it is impossible to get into any of the fucking movies. I thought I would come out here and get lots of free swag, do a little skiing and see a ton of great unheralded gems of modern cinema, but I have seen one movie that wasn't a short film about a woman and her pets, or some dead person. Sure, I am as curious as the next guy about whether or not Dakota Fanning will grow up to be a hot piece of gash like Natalie Portman or the pretty Olsen twin, or if she might end up with a mustache like Blossom, but that doesn't mean I am interested in watching a 12 year old star in an Elvis era prequel to The Accused. Sadly, Fanning's white washed rape scene is the only halfway interesting thing in this film and it isn't nearly as offensive as that prude chick from "Survivor" talking about parenting on "The View". Like that chick has any qualifications for public speaking above and beyond eating rice in the jungle for 39 days. When I saw The Professional I knew there was a bottle of Jergens and a box of Kleenex in my future, but Dakota still has her work cut out for her before she'll give me an inappropriate chubby like Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby. I know that dramatic sex scenes like Halle's "make me feel good" fuck can win awards and invigorate an actress' career in the best possible way, but it only works when people want to see that actress spread her bread and take some man-aise. Personally, I suggest you throw this minnow back and fish for a better catch at Sundance this year. I think I'll wait another year or two before I officially join NADLA.
Is it really racist to have a show that is all about counter terrorism that depicts people of middle-eastern dissent as suicide bombers? Shit that might be the most realistic thing about 24. It sure ain't that fact that Jack has survived 5 previous "days" of nerve gas, nuclear bombs and Dennis Hopper. The show certainly doesn't thrive on realistic side plots like Kim fighting off a cougar or Jack's wife's 3 hours of amnesia or an organization that obviously doesn't screen any of its government employees for their connections to enemies of the sate. And one black president I can buy, but Wayne "Brady" Palmer could never have whispered his way through an Iowa primary to get elected.
So when I heard there was outcry about the recent depictions of Arabic people in "24" I cried "foul" in return. I seem to recall about 100 publicized accounts of militant Islamic radicals that have strapped bombs to their chests and blown something up in the past 5 years. It's about as racist to have an Arabic terrorist in a TV show as it is to have a Russian chess champion in a movie. I don't believe that all Arabs are terrorists from watching 24. And I don't think the producers of the show do either. In fact I personally think they have gone way too far out of their way to show due diligence the other direction. In the past the terrorists have been Serbs, Czechs, Turks and just about any flavor of angry foreigner that isn't from the Middle East just so they wouldn't have to deal with this crap. Plus the show has gone 10 thousand miles out of its way to present both sides of the story with internment camps, redneck vigilante neighbors, the president's activist sister, and Dr. Bashir giving up his arms to help the "good guys". I'm sorry it's so offensive that Van Wilder's butt boy is a little angry about that shitty White Castle gut bomb he just ate and wants to blow up our country, but that's not nearly as shocking as Gabe Dimas and some British dude fighting over Chloe to see which one of them gets to grab her ass at work. Though she does surprisingly have a nice bumper for the actress equivalent an AMC Pacer. And what's with Jack's brother being the guy who got splattered up the windshield of a Ford Tempo in Robocop. That dude has gotten dismembered in every role he has ever played. Shit, he couldn't even get through a season of ER without a fucking helicopter falling on him. So I certainly won't be shocked when Jack has to dismember his sibling for the greater good of the country.
The only complaint anyone should have about "24" is that they are stealing the plot of The Siege minus the underacting of Bruce Willis. But with twists like "Oz's" Cyril not actually being a retard, stodgy Bill Buchanan getting some of Karen Hayes' dusty bologna sleeve, and Jack putting a cap in his boy Curtis, how can you not think that this is sure to be the best season of "24" yet? I know Fox has offended people by making fun of the mentally challenged on "American Idol", portraying Arabs as terrorists on "24", and by renewing "the War at Home" for the second half of the season, but let's just trust that Jack knows what he's doing before he inexplicably rehires his completely untrained fuck mechanism of a daughter to run CTU. Just because Fox News says Barack Osama, oops I mean Obama, was educated in a militant Islamic madrasah doesn't mean it's true. And just because "24" won a bunch of awards last year doesn't mean this season isn't five times better.
1. "24's" Chloe, ("Mr. Show" alum Mary Lynn Rajskub), has been called the Gillian Anderson of the new millennium, which I can only take to mean that people only want to bang her because she is on TV. Seriously, unless you have a fetish for Raphael the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle you can't tell me her face is smoking. So who else is considered hot only because they are famous?
3. Well it's obvious from the popularity of American Idol, 24, Grey's Anatomy and yours truly that insensitivity sells, so do you think that America is ready for minority leaders like Hilary, Nancy and Barack or are you more excited to see CM Punk in this weekend's Royal Rumble?
Charlie DeMarco, Mike Polk, Scott Hofman, Justin Harvey, Ron Babcock, Ryan McKee and cartoonist Pat O'Connor will all be at Book Soup (8818 Sunset Blvd. W. Hollywood CA 90069) tonight at 7PM signing copies of "Look At My Striped Shirt". Charlie promises to go drinking with the gang after so hopefully I'll make it there myself so I can show these little girls how a real man tastes the paint. Get your camera phones ready in case there is a repeat of the Tucker Max incident.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 1/26/2007 9:13:55 AM
1. Every girl on "The Hills."
2. "Hey my date's about to pass out. Why don't you stick that bird in my shitter?"
3. I think America is ready. You know how something like a band or article of clothing becomes so popular that a backlash happens alll of the sudden? I think that's what's happening with old white males in politics. They've been hot for the last 350 years, but people are starting to get sick of them and are ready for something new.
They better give Punk some due ass kicking time in the rumble and not have him eliminated by a 72 yr old Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Am I the only one that thinks CM would be the perfect addition to DX now that HHH's roided up leg muscle fell off again?
Posts: 1062 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 1/26/2007 9:47:39 AM
very hot. great big dumper too.
Q&A 1. sandra bullock. ugh. jesus christ. jesse james was banging janine and traded in for that? wtf? thats like trading in his coupe that drops its ass to brake and bringing back a minivan. 2. damn - right out of the gate winner. nice job, balls.
3. considering those three's only plan of action is to defeat bush, no. "ok guys, great you got in power, and yes bush hasn't succeeded in iraq and his new plan may or may not suck, but what is your plan?"
"uhhhhhh"
i'd personally like to see petraeus be given "control" of commanding iraq not just a "title" and then run for office, but he's a phenomenal general, so he is smart enough to stay away from politics.
Globes were entertaining. After Oscar night don't be surprised if Murphy is added to the long list of "people who you can't believe have an oscar". Like Cher, Ben Affleck, Kevin Costner, Kim Basinger, Whoopi Goldberg, and Cuba Gooding. Feel free to add to that list.
1. Have to say that chick was at her best on Larry Sanders. Jennifer Lopez gets my vote, huge ass and no tits just don't do it for me.
2. If i can just get a ring on this finger and my thumb this look will be completed.
3. How on earth can they be any worse than what we have? "We will be greeted as liberators."
On the "n-word" rant. Comparing what Richards did and something like Silverman's "usage" of the word in the context of a joke about using the word is just moronic.
re 24: It's a good show, no doubt - I watch it and I am entertained. But even-handed? No. Probably the most insidiously politicalized drama on network TV (now that West Wing's done). Here's a hint - Rush Limbaugh loves it. Yes, they do present some of the countervailing arguments, theories, sentiments, but they then invariably *show them up.* Yes, the redneck neighbor immediatley suspected the Arab kid as a terrorist - shame on him. Oh, but wait, he was right. Yes, the Pres.'s sister preaches about how defecating on the Bill of Rights in the name of fighting terrorism is really an insanely ironic way of "not letting the terrorists win" (they want to destory our freedoms, and we allow our poiliticians to do just that in the name of combating them?), and then a nuclear bomb goes off in suburban LA. Joel Surnow and Vince Flynn must get together a coulpe tmies a year and whack off to Hannity and Colmes while coming up with new story lines. Still, I do agree that people should be able to find about 9,000 more important things to get themsleves worked up about these days.
Questions: 1. Angelica Huston, Ugh. (SJ Parker can defintely look scary at times, but check her out in "LA Story" sometime).
2. Caption: "So show us your version of 'The Shocker' you just administered to Amber while Striped Shirt there was hassling the valet..."
3. A platform akin to the George Costanza Opposite - i.e. nothing more than "Everything the Opposite of What Dubya Did" would resonate with a ton of people. Can H-Rod or Obama win? Maybe. Dumbf*ckistan is already Red, so nothing to lose down there. Either would still carry NY, CA, and IL, which is a pretty good start. Essentially, you are looking at switching out Ohio or Florida, and holding on to the rest of the Blue. McCain will be tought to beat, though, and will probably win. I could live with that. He would be a million miles better than what we've got now, that's for sure.
Posts: 45 Rank: 185 Joined:
12/13/2006
Location:
Salt Lake City, UT
Posted: 1/26/2007 11:18:56 AM
I personally don't think Ali gets enough credit for the high quality of his Parkinson's. The ultimate celebrity deathmatch would be Ali and Michael J. Fox in a shaky slap-dance, until Doc Brown blasts into the ring, flattening the Champ in a twin blaze-trail of Delorian time-traveling fury.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 1/26/2007 11:35:50 AM
24 is not a political statement. You watch to see how much crap one man can get out of. If the Arabs hate it so much let them boycott it like the Catholics are boycotting the Dakota rape movie.
answers: 1. Paula Abdul. I know that she is a sloppy used up slab who nailed some dork-ass runner-up, but I spanked to the Cold Hearted Snake video so many times as a teen that even now I still would like to have her practice those moves on my trouser snake 2. This gangbang WILL be awkward. 3. America may be ready for a minority leader, but not any of these punks.
Posts: 139 Rank: 78 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 1/26/2007 11:55:09 AM
Agree with Deuce's sentiment. Although at this point the Bush folks are really asking him to put out the fire while they keep pouring on gasoline.
Every time I think the number of slang terms for "vagina" has been exhausted, this column comes up with "dusty bologna sleeve".
1. Hilary Swank. She's hella average-looking. Honorable mention to Kim Catrall (today's version, not when she was in Porkies), who is held up as hot by many women, but I have yet to meet a single dude who would hit it. 2. Welcome to every bar in Turtle Bay. 3. America is ready for a minority President, but I don't think it's ready for a woman. Obama has a better shot to win than Hillary, but either one of them would lose to either McCain or Giuliani.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Did you ever smoke an eighth of afghani, turn on the black light and then stare directly into one of those brown box Radio Shack strobe lights wondering if you could self induce a seizure by having one of your buddies randomly change the speed? Well, director Joe Carnahan has made it a lot easier to garner the same effect with this jump cut festival that makes the average MTV fair look like the tracking shot at the beginning of The Player. The dialogue isn't quite up to the level of Tarantino moments like Denzel's Silver Surfer speech in Crimson Tide (yes, Quentin did do an uncredited script doctoring on that flick) or his classic moments like "you must of thought it was white boy day" or the Madonna speech in Reservoir Dogs. But this film does run through a quartet of increasingly cooler hired guns in true Kill Bill form. Alicia Keys' hit woman even conjured Aliyah like rumblings in the lower east side of my phallic borrough. Given I'm the guy that buys those calendars of the camouflaged bikini girls with automatic weapons. But even fully dressed the Grammy winner looks hotter with a gun than Amada Peet's topless cross-eyed wombat caught in a crossfire scene in The Whole Nine Yards.
Fuck Park City! My hotel room is $1100 dollars a night, beers are $12.50, and cheap pick up lines are not working even for the guys who actually are Hollywood producers. Plus it is impossible to get into any of the fucking movies. I thought I would come out here and get lots of free swag, do a little skiing and see a ton of great unheralded gems of modern cinema, but I have seen one movie that wasn't a short film about a woman and her pets, or some dead person. Sure, I am as curious as the next guy about whether or not Dakota Fanning will grow up to be a hot piece of gash like Natalie Portman or the pretty Olsen twin, or if she might end up with a mustache like Blossom, but that doesn't mean I am interested in watching a 12 year old star in an Elvis era prequel to The Accused. Sadly, Fanning's white washed rape scene is the only halfway interesting thing in this film and it isn't nearly as offensive as that prude chick from "Survivor" talking about parenting on "The View". Like that chick has any qualifications for public speaking above and beyond eating rice in the jungle for 39 days. When I saw The Professional I knew there was a bottle of Jergens and a box of Kleenex in my future, but Dakota still has her work cut out for her before she'll give me an inappropriate chubby like Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby. I know that dramatic sex scenes like Halle's "make me feel good" fuck can win awards and invigorate an actress' career in the best possible way, but it only works when people want to see that actress spread her bread and take some man-aise. Personally, I suggest you throw this minnow back and fish for a better catch at Sundance this year. I think I'll wait another year or two before I officially join NADLA.
Is it really racist to have a show that is all about counter terrorism that depicts people of middle-eastern dissent as suicide bombers? Shit that might be the most realistic thing about 24. It sure ain't that fact that Jack has survived 5 previous "days" of nerve gas, nuclear bombs and Dennis Hopper. The show certainly doesn't thrive on realistic side plots like Kim fighting off a cougar or Jack's wife's 3 hours of amnesia or an organization that obviously doesn't screen any of its government employees for their connections to enemies of the sate. And one black president I can buy, but Wayne "Brady" Palmer could never have whispered his way through an Iowa primary to get elected. 
So when I heard there was outcry about the recent depictions of Arabic people in "24" I cried "foul" in return. I seem to recall about 100 publicized accounts of militant Islamic radicals that have strapped bombs to their chests and blown something up in the past 5 years. It's about as racist to have an Arabic terrorist in a TV show as it is to have a Russian chess champion in a movie. I don't believe that all Arabs are terrorists from watching 24. And I don't think the producers of the show do either. In fact I personally think they have gone way too far out of their way to show due diligence the other direction. In the past the terrorists have been Serbs, Czechs, Turks and just about any flavor of angry foreigner that isn't from the Middle East just so they wouldn't have to deal with this crap. Plus the show has gone 10 thousand miles out of its way to present both sides of the story with internment camps, redneck vigilante neighbors, the president's activist sister, and Dr. Bashir giving up his arms to help the "good guys". I'm sorry it's so offensive that Van Wilder's butt boy is a little angry about that shitty White Castle gut bomb he just ate and wants to blow up our country, but that's not nearly as shocking as Gabe Dimas and some British dude fighting over Chloe to see which one of them gets to grab her ass at work. Though she does surprisingly have a nice bumper for the actress equivalent an AMC Pacer. And what's with Jack's brother being the guy who got splattered up the windshield of a Ford Tempo in Robocop. That dude has gotten dismembered in every role he has ever played. Shit, he couldn't even get through a season of ER without a fucking helicopter falling on him. So I certainly won't be shocked when Jack has to dismember his sibling for the greater good of the country. 
The only complaint anyone should have about "24" is that they are stealing the plot of The Siege minus the underacting of Bruce Willis. But with twists like "Oz's" Cyril not actually being a retard, stodgy Bill Buchanan getting some of Karen Hayes' dusty bologna sleeve, and Jack putting a cap in his boy Curtis, how can you not think that this is sure to be the best season of "24" yet? I know Fox has offended people by making fun of the mentally challenged on "American Idol", portraying Arabs as terrorists on "24", and by renewing "the War at Home" for the second half of the season, but let's just trust that Jack knows what he's doing before he inexplicably rehires his completely untrained fuck mechanism of a daughter to run CTU. Just because Fox News says Barack Osama, oops I mean Obama, was educated in a militant Islamic madrasah doesn't mean it's true. And just because "24" won a bunch of awards last year doesn't mean this season isn't five times better.
