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Can you believe we started doing this over 10 years ago? It was the spring of 1996 when The Phat Phree was first created as a half fold newsletter for Charlie DeMarco’s sketch comedy group, the Phat 5- and he still hasn't paid any of us. But it didn’t take long for the zine to become the main property of the group, with its witty articles and irreverent sarcasm. Jesse Lamovsky was responsible for poignant and historically accurate intros and outros, Charlie created several top lists that introduced the world to his biting cynicism and overall hatred for Jay Leno, and Chad Zumock told us by name and in order all those girls he had ever kissed.
As time went on others like, Emmett S., The Infamous John Gracie, Scott Simone, Justin Harvey, M. Thomas L, Mike “Sleepy” Lowe, and Larry Housel were brought in to contribute articles and lists to the print version. Every monthly print issue of the Phat Phree became a “special” issue, dedicated to specific topic like Valentines Day, Cool Black People, Sports (with the Huey Lewis album on the cover), Safety, Aliens, Christmas (featuring Sleepy as black baby Jesus), Females, Crime, and one of my favorites: the Special Fighting Issue.
Then, after taking a few years off, Charlie got some of the old gang back together, and with the help of Chris Queen and new additions like Mike Polk, brought you the new and improved online version that has taken the internet by storm just like we took 'Nam Hill #937back in spring of '69.
And through most of it I was there doing exactly what I do now, bringing the voice of a patriotic American to the crap that Hollywood and the music industry force down our throats. Isn’t it easier to sit through Reality Bites when you’ve read about it's star Winona Ryder leading pretty-boy singer and entertainment gossip show host Mark McGrath down the dirt path in her backyard? Don’t you want to sever every Sony executive’s metacarpals with a spork and some dental floss every time they expect you go see a Deuce Bigelow sequel? Doesn’t someone have to admit to watching "Monday Night Raw", when it has consistently been the highest rated show on cable for like 10 years? Well, that’s why I do this. I ingest this crap and comment on it, so you don't have to.
And speaking of garbage entertainment, I have to tell you that I am furious with the state of wrestling this week. Instead of getting to see Rob Van Dam show us why he is one of the most entertaining wrestlers around who deserved to be wearing both the WWE blingtastic spinner belt and the ECW World Title, I am forced to watch Paul E. Dangerously kiss another grown man on the mouth and two giant stiffs who have no business in an ECW ring walk around each other for 10 minutes. Is it really a surprise to anyone that RVD and Sabu were pulled over and caught with a bag of weed and tons of Vicoden that weren’t prescribed to them? I’m here to tell you that if my day job was jumping 20 feet head first through a table, and then cutting my own forehead with a razor blade and gushing blood, that I would fully expect that it would be okay to smoke a fat doobie and take something for my headache.
Kurt Angle also received a thirty day suspension for abusing Vicoden, but I didn’t hear anyone complaining when he was popping 30 Tylenol with codeine to win his Olympic Gold medal with a broken friggin’ neck. I can’t even comment on how disgusting I thought it was to see Rhyno burning his old ECW belts. That’s like me refusing to work for Ford, then rolling a 65 Mustang over a cliff. Like Ford gives a fuck if I destroy my own car to spite them. Rhyno earned those belts with his own blood, sweat, and tears, and I’m pretty sure Vince McMahon is far more concerned with giving his son in law a giant public reach-around than anything his former employees might have to say about him on TNA.
I’m sure many of you could give an anal finger fuck about wrestling, so let’s take a look at this week's candidates poised to dethrone the incumbent amusement park ride turned Hollywood blockbuster.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Oh dear god why? 10 years ago the thought of Uma Thurman in superhero tights would given me a rager that would have popped the buttons right off of my fatigues. Dude, do you remember Johnny Be Good? When she was sitting on those swings with Anthony Michael Dead Zone, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to be a piece of denim. And how would you like Being John Malkovich as he undressed those perfect calcium carriers in Dangerous Liaisons? Fuck, I about pamed myself right in the theater during her 35 seconds on screen in Baron Münchhausen (Pame or pum = pissing and cumming, kinda like a shart = shitting and farting).
But these days I feel like Uma is trying to relive her glory days as Poison Ivy. Ugh. And Jesus save a Leper, Luke Wilson hasn’t been funny to me since his dingbat Sheriff cameo on that vampire episode of the "X-Files". So what the fuck is Ivan Reitman thinking pairing the two, in what is basically the worst high concept movie idea since Click? He’s thinking he’s going to dance with who brung him like a brother and sister at a West Virginia Tech High School Prom.
Uma and Luke aren’t what brought Reitman to the dance by the way; I was reefering (and I do mean "reefer"ing) to ridiculous high-concept ideas. Like for instance, two slacker guys who can’t figure out what to do with their lives, so they decide to join the army and a drive an RV to Czechoslovakia. Or how about, four slacker buddies who fight a giant marshmallow in downtown NYC? I mean, if those worked, shouldn’t a movie about a guy trying to get rid of his psycho-bitch, needy ex-girlfriend be funny, especially if she’s actually a super hero?
No. Luke Wilson is no Bill Murray and Eddie Izzard is no Ernie Hudson, though if you look at Anna Farris from the right angle she could pass as Rick Moranis. Regardless, the jokes are hacky and Reitman just can’t seem to capture the spirit of what made his early movies so much fun. Basically, you can tell the cast and crew aren’t smoking four lbs of weed a day, like the cast and crew of Ghostbusters did. I think at some point there might have been a good idea for a movie here, but when you see it you can tell that nobody involved believed the joke was funny anymore. This movie is at best a one note, and that note is being sung by William Hung.
Expectations are a bitch. It was only because of your expectations that The Village sucked so badly. Well, that and the fact that Joaquin’s lips look like they were caught in a radiator fan. Expectations are why people hate Tom Cruise now. If everyone hadn’t expected him to be a stand-up guy just because of the characters he plays, then we all would have noticed how insane his Napoleon complex had made him years ago. I mean, you would expect to see Robert Downey Jr. jumping up and down on someone’s couch or telling someone how bad drugs are, right?
It’s all about your level of expectations from people. Is everything that M. Night does from now on going to have to have a twist? If he shoots a Bacardi and Cola commercial, do we have find out that Cola is actually a bad guy because he has been watering the drinks down? If he guest directs an episode of "Medium", is Patricia “Snaggletooth” Arquette gonna stop seeing dead people? Would his version of Apollo 13 leave Tom Hanks stranded on the moon with aliens who are afraid of “contaminated” water? It's just not fair to have expectations about this guy that are so high he can’t ever please you. That’s like expecting a blowjob from your wife every night where she perfectly cradles your balls and swallows every time. You can only do yourself a disservice by waiting around for that kind of satisfaction.
I mean seriously, M. Night is giving you the creepy story you want. Isn’t he? This time however his sexy leading man is, Paul Giamatti, who tries to live his life under the radar as an apartment super. Somehow, by the way, Giamatti continues his bizarre connection to the North Coast by being named 'Cleveland' in this one. But this building super has one doozy of a Tom Hanks secret on his hand. No, he wasn’t transformed into a grown man overnight by a carnival fortune-telling machine. He has discovered a mermaid like creature, or more specifically a “Narph”, who has crossed over from the Blue World and gotten trapped in the apartment complex.
So is the twist that this Narph is being chased after by some type of evil creature called a scrunt? Or that the way M. Night reveals almost all of the plot and action of this movie from characters talking to one another and telling what basically amounts to folk tales, like this story itself is? Or maybe the twist is that this movie is basically just E.T., where all the people in the building use their penis breath powers to help Bryce Dallas Cunningham phone home. Nope, all that could never please an audience expecting greatness from a filmmaker.
That’s why the first twist in this movie is that the bad guy is basically a movie reviewer. He doesn’t believe in shit, there is no magic in movies and there is no magic in the world. Of course, he believes in magic after M. has him get eaten by a scrunt, but that’s beside the point. The second twist is that these characters are supposed to represent the moviegoers themselves, and they all suck. Paul Giamatti’s stutter is like listening to Marlee Matlin sing along with 50 Cent’s “In Da Club”. M. Night gives himself a huge part as a fagotty writer, and Jeffrey Wright will bore the piss out of you as a crossword puzzle enthusiast.
Throw in a super smart Asian student (M.’s stereotype, not mine), and a housebound TV junkie, and you start to realize that the twist here is that M. Night is basically making fun of both his audience and his detractors, just like watching "Beavis and Butthead" makes fun of the kid who is sitting around his house huffing Glade from a doo rag watching MTV. That’s the twist. And it’s a good one. It makes this flick thoroughly entertaining to me, and well worth the ten bucks. I love to laugh at the people who watch this shit and forget that movies are just supposed to be a fun way to escape your own reality for a couple of hours.
They always say write what you know, and I think M. Night knows that he wants to send a giant fuck you to the world and at the same time get Hollywood to help him tell his daughter a 50 million dollar bedtime story. Good Night.
Well I couldn’t get into the actual screening of this movie, even though I had tickets and my press pass. Something about how Kevin would never let me see another one of his movies after my review of Jersey Girl slightly misquoted him talking about the taste of Ben Affleck’s sperm. But I stole a screener copy from Jennifer Garner’s house yesterday when I was looking for that rumored pregger sex tape of her and Aflac that would make me some real money with the Inquiring minds set. So here are the basics of the follow-up of the movie that, alongside Pulp Fiction, defined the voice of a generation.
Clerks II is about several 40-year-old guys pretending to be 30-year-old guys who finally need to get their lives together and stop pretending to be 20-year-old guys. Basically, what loosely resembles more plot than the first one is that Dante has to decided if the fact that he’s 30 years old means that it is time for him to settle down with his girlfriend and move to Florida instead of hanging out with his buddy Randal at the fast food restaurant where they now “work” and talk about the merits of Lord Of The Rings over Star Wars. But there’s a catch: Rosario Dawson is Dante’s boss and the rival love interest. Wait, is there even a choice here? I mean, with all the pop culture references spewing out of Dante’s mouth, he has to have seen the unrated version of Alexander, right? After witnessing how she is built like a brick shit house and can withstand a choke-fucking from Colin Ferrell, I don’t think I would choose a mansion full of free Thai hookers over Rosario, let alone Degrassi: Next Gen alumn Jennifer Schwalbach (Kevin Smith's wife). So consider the believability of the plot thrown out right there, which is fine. It leaves plenty of time for the disgustingly pornographically inane banter that made the first movie such a hit.
Sure, this one is in color. And obviously these guys are horrible actors, which is evidenced by that fact while the first Clerks was a giant hit it seems that Jason Mewes on heroin and crack has gotten more work since than either of the two leads. I mean, Jason Lee pretty much replaced Randal and stole his whole career with his performance in Mallrats. Vince Vaughn could have never gotten away with his "all grows up" shtick in Swingers if it weren't for Randal. But yet Randal has appeared like once in public since 1996 without Kevin Smith holding hand. Regardless, the movie is funny, quotable and hopefully will do a little something for Kevin Smith to finally help him get the taste of Ben Affleck’s penis off of the roof of his mouth. Seriously, it’s not Ben or Matt’s fault you foolishly offered to write Good Will Hunting for no credit and watched them walk away with your Academy Award, but I think that writing slacker comedies about nothing is definitely a step in the right direction.
By the way Good Morning America film critic, Joel Siegel, walked out of the screening I missed and publicly protested the donkey show scene as the most vile thing he'd been subjected to in over 30 years, which will probably do more to get you to go see the movie than anything I could ever write.
It’s the perfect TV Show, and maybe that’s the problem. A funny twenty-something character and his expressionless sidekick pretend to have super powers that they don’t. But it’s okay, because they actually do have superpowers that they just can’t tell anyone about, even though they are way less ridiculous than their fake super sleuthing abilities and far easier to explain. I’m sorry, have I confused you?
Basically, this show is perfect in the fact that it has compelling characters with neat motivations and backstories, like Corbin Bersen playing the brutal father who forced his son to have a superpower by making him study items in a room until he had a photographic memory. But your main character is not just using this power to help perpetuate the con that he is a psychic detective- he also uses it to get anything cute with two breasts and an available hole to try to sleep with him. Which means that in the end what you have is basically "It’s Always Sunny" crossed with "Monk". His sidekick, the blandly compelling Dule Hill of "West Wing" fame, is his forensic scientist partner who really just knows shit because he’s a geek who works part time selling drugs and chemicals for a Pharmaceutical supplier.
But the reason the show doesn’t compel me to severe 5 full ears from the corpse of one of my hapless victims is the fact that no one wants to see perfect television. TV is far better when it is a little rough around the edges. Shows like "Lost" are exciting because you feel like it could careen off the tracks at any point when an invisible dinosaur decides to hold out for a bigger paycheck at his next contract negotiation. A show like "24" is great because you really want to see how the producers can continue an idea that is absolutely ridiculous after the first season. They are seriously taking SSDD (same shit different day) to a whole new level, and I love it. I’m sure "Prison Break" will be like that too. Or even a show like "How I Met Your Mother" is fun, because you want to see how the writers will ever come back from the monumentous first episode fuck up of saying that the main girl will not end up being with the main guy in the end. "Lucky Louie" is great because it has the production quality of a 3rd grade class’ school play.
TV that is falling apart before your very eyes is exciting, but picture-perfect TV for me is only slightly above average. In the end, what you are left with is a relatively entertaining show because it is basically a well-crafted "Law and Order" with jokes, or as I see it, an updated version of "Colombo".
1. I was honestly stoked to see Mike Polk drop a load right on the sculpted chin of David Hasslehoff this week. So to honor his return to the ring I would love to see what you think Mike Polk is funnier than _____________________.
2. Caption This
3. If you were stranded on a desert island and you had to choose between tittie fucking Star Jones daily or listening to one movie soundtrack of your choice on repeat which would you pick, why would you pick it, and what would the soundtrack be if you chose the latter? Personally I would pick the soundtrack to Annie. You know what they say; red on top, fire in the hole. Plus Sandy really is a good name for a dog.
3. Depends: if there is no way I can kill Star besides manually strangling her, I would go with option 1. Otherwise, "The Harder They Come" by Jimmy Cliff, because that's just good island music.
Dave B
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Posted: 7/21/2006 4:19:46 AM
Good stuff, Napalm
1. Mike Polk is funnier than Stevie Wonder playing hide and seek in a minefield.
2. "This guy's a huge asshole"
3. Space Jam.
Dave B
Sigh
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Posted: 7/21/2006 4:26:38 AM
Meant to say "What an asshole!" for #2 :(
Doug Steinbach
Print Version
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Posted: 7/21/2006 5:07:49 AM
Is there a way to buy old copies of the print version? I'm a big fan of the website, but don't spend much time in front of a computer.
1. Gary Coleman working as a studio lot security guard.
2. That was the last time I let the students at Dave's Outdoor School of Proctology give me check up.
3. I could tittie fuck a ham sandwhich and enjoy it, but just for the sake of answering, I could listen to the Star Wars soundtrack until the end of time. When I hear that score I can see every frame of the movie in my head, so it would be like having a great record and a movie all in one.
Tom A
Napalm
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Posted: 7/21/2006 9:54:32 AM
good Friday reading, as per usual. Could you start to include the where, when info on the TV reviews?
1. Watching midget porn while 'shroomin'
2. "It's OK, Billy...just show the Judge where MSG touched you with his 'thingy'..."
3. I'm pretty sure any soundtrack would drive a person insane somewhere around replay number 1000, so I am going to have to say that I would go with the titty (grudge) fuck.
Christine
Napalm
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Posted: 7/21/2006 9:59:08 AM
you are wonderful. Your inciteful reviews keep me from seeing crap over and over again. Thank you.
1. Mike Polk is funnier than two fat girls stuck in a revolving door, one with toilet paper stuck on her shoe and the other with a stain on her shirt from lunch.
2. "aww brucey baby, remember when you were tight like this?"
3. I would titty fuck Star with a strap-on just to say I did it. However, I would definitely go with the soundtrack to The Last of The Mohicans because it is really beautiful music. Or the soundtrack to Forrest Gump, you can't go wrong with that.
vertigo
very good
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Posted: 7/21/2006 10:52:48 AM
Napalm is more reliable than DeNiro in the 70's.
The Village was so awful I can't believe the dot is getting another gig so soon.
1. Polk is funnier than George W. Bush's resume.
2. "I'm finally fingering something!"
3. Manhattan. Gershwin is just too tough to beat.
goatlover
Patricia Arquette is hot
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Posted: 7/21/2006 11:20:21 AM
Napalm, I’m still pissed about you not being in the book.
1. Polk is funnier than projectile vomiting.
2. “No, fucktard, it’s two in the pink and one in the stink.”
3. I am going with Tom A’s argument that and any collection of songs on repeat, for ever, would get really fucking annoying. Anyway, if I were stranded on a desert island, I would need a way to get off…still, maybe I would just use a coconut.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Oh dear god why? 10 years ago the thought of Uma Thurman in superhero tights would given me a rager that would have popped the buttons right off of my fatigues. Dude, do you remember Johnny Be Good? When she was sitting on those swings with Anthony Michael Dead Zone, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to be a piece of denim. And how would you like Being John Malkovich as he undressed those perfect calcium carriers in Dangerous Liaisons? Fuck, I about pamed myself right in the theater during her 35 seconds on screen in Baron Münchhausen (Pame or pum = pissing and cumming, kinda like a shart = shitting and farting). 
Expectations are a bitch. It was only because of your expectations that The Village sucked so badly. Well, that and the fact that Joaquin’s lips look like they were caught in a radiator fan. Expectations are why people hate Tom Cruise now. If everyone hadn’t expected him to be a stand-up guy just because of the characters he plays, then we all would have noticed how insane his Napoleon complex had made him years ago. I mean, you would expect to see Robert Downey Jr. jumping up and down on someone’s couch or telling someone how bad drugs are, right? 
Well I couldn’t get into the actual screening of this movie, even though I had tickets and my press pass. Something about how Kevin would never let me see another one of his movies after my review of Jersey Girl slightly misquoted him talking about the taste of Ben Affleck’s sperm. But I stole a screener copy from Jennifer Garner’s house yesterday when I was looking for that rumored pregger sex tape of her and Aflac that would make me some real money with the Inquiring minds set. So here are the basics of the follow-up of the movie that, alongside Pulp Fiction, defined the voice of a generation. 
It’s the perfect TV Show, and maybe that’s the problem. A funny twenty-something character and his expressionless sidekick pretend to have super powers that they don’t. But it’s okay, because they actually do have superpowers that they just can’t tell anyone about, even though they are way less ridiculous than their fake super sleuthing abilities and far easier to explain. I’m sorry, have I confused you? 
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