Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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A retard at a spelling bee? Michael J Fox in a 9 ball tourney? Marlee Matlin advertising cell phones. Heather Mills "Dancing with the Stars". Wait. That last one isn't a joke. Paul McCartney's one legged ex is gonna be on a dancing show? I can only hope Rocco Siffredi is her partner so that with his third leg they'll still be dancing on four. She does know the term "sock hop" is not only dated but also not literal. What a stupid idea. Hey lets have Emmanuelle Lewis on "Joes vs. Pros" dunking with NBA All-stars. Let's put Nicole Bass on "America's Next Top Model". Let's have Christopher Reeve's widow do color commentary at the "2008 World Equestrian Championship". These are just bad ideas. But I guarandamntee I will vote for Heather if she pops her prosthetic leg off and twirls it around at the end of a number and then sets it on fire like Jimmy Hendrix in his heyday. And even on one leg she gotta be better than Jerry Springer. In the end I can only ask one question, when the fuck does "Heroes" come back on? "Bang The Cheerleader, Bang The World!" I mean any chick who can flick her bean with a ball peen hammer without getting hurt is high on my list, plus I'll put whip cream on both Ali Larter's personalititties. But I guess I'm gonna have to deal with one legged dancers until mid April so... Atten Hut! Fard Harch! On to the reviews!
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
"Joey, do you like movies about Gladiator?" Goddamn right I do. I have no problem with the sword and sandal fair when it doesn't involve Legolas talking like a faggot for 347 minutes. Russell Crowe hands out beat downs with a telephone so he gets to be a Gladiator. Mel Gibson called a cop sugar tits which surely illustrates his Braveheart. But when pretty boys like Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom get all epic, I can only wonder whose Trojan horse is penetrating whose Spartan walls. Screw that. 300 may pass on the pretty boys, but surely did not skimp in the budget for half naked men. I know for a fact that Spartans wore more armor and all had plumes, but how the fuck are they supposed to look hard unless I can see their chiseled abs glistening with every turn of their strapping torsos? I mean do you think it's gay when Shawn Michaels enters the ring and works up his opponent to a climax that involves leaving another man lying there exhausted with his "sweet chin music" all over his face. Of course not. Unless you are of the back vagina crowd you just look at this like heroic oiled men in their underwear getting ready to do battle right.
Nope, it's definitely a little queer. I should probably give these Greek warriors a little more credit though. They aren't cutting promos or wasting time with gallant entrances and fireworks. They don't need some half brained playmate to walk them toward the battle field. Regardless of their oily, shiny abs these hyper real Spartans are really more like the Chuck Liddells and Randy Coutures of the past than the Johnny Nitros. Actually, they most closely resemble the attitude of Tank Abbott in UFC 6. No one had seen a true blood thirsty warrior who was set on glorious victory regardless of the physical cost. In 300 King Leonidas is the pretty version of that blood thirsty pit fighter with no front teeth that emerges from nowhere to wage a triumphantly futile bloodbath against the axes of the axis of evil - Iran. Whoops I meant, Persia. God forbid that a comic book movie have any propagandic ideologies.
But regardless 300 has the right idea. Who gives a fuck about what actually happened in 480 BC. Cut to the blood and guts already. Sure the real warriors wore more clothing, but how would we tell them apart in a movie unless they were half naked. We don't really care about the boring sea battles fought by Themistocles that were more pivotal in the battle of Thermopylae. We could give a fuck about the fact that Leonidas actually joined up with 7000 other Greeks who weren't Spartans (a thousand of which were still present with the 300 at the last battle) or that the Persian army was really only about 200,000. The fact is, 300 vs. a million just sounds cool. Sure the Persian army blotted out the sun with their 10,000 arrows, never mind the fact that the quality of their bows was so shitty that the arrows bounced off the Spartans like taking a paper football to the forehead. The only real fact that matters is that on day one of the battle the bodies piled sky high because of a bottleneck in a mountain pass, and damnit this shit looks fucking cool.
Shot after shot is almost a direct visual translation from the Frank Miller's original vision. Leonidas kicking the Persian down the well looks the same on film as it does in the pages of the book. In fact the only real deviation from the graphic novel (that's geek for nice comic book) is a sadly necessary detour into what one might think is under belly of Baltimore. Dominic West gets his "Wire" on with a little Spartan politics while King Leonidas' honey Gorgo gets a little more face time than her 4 panels in the original mag. But who needs actors with a film that looks this cool. In fact I would liken it to the awe and wonder of the first time I had seen The Matrix had I not already seen the brilliant Japanese film Casshern that perfected comic book framing and virtual set painting that blurs the worlds of CG and live action. But for most American's who have not seen such fare this film will inspire awe and impress. Just know now that Frank Miller is not exactly a fan of the happy ending, which is evident in the fact that he chose a story of great glory, but ultimate failure in battle. Though the editing has more quick cuts than a 14 year old girl at an AFI concert, this is the movie that any fan of blood, guts and action is waiting for. This flick is truly a feast of severed limbs and heroic futility that your eyes have been craving for years, just don't blink and miss it.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:12:35 AM
1. Probably my parents. Maybe even your parents. Not you, Napalm, specifically but the proverbial "your parents." And really hardcore MArtin Lawrence fans. Sadly, they exist.
2. "So, what's the name of this website? 8th Street Latinas Dot Com? Ok, that sounds cool. Roll film."
3. I already sort of blew my St. Paddy's Day load last weekend. The city of Hoboken, NJ shuts down for it two weeks prior every year. I ventured in from Manhattan not knowing what to expect. What I got were dive bars with lines down the block charging $20 to get in. We infiltrated a couple house parties. We made friends with some of the locals. They sold us some blow and Percocet. Good people. We found some not so nice ones when we were discovered doing this blow in the host's bedroom. We cut out of there and found another bedroom. We were then informed that was his sister's room. We were then asked to leave. They breed 'em different out there. There are some sick guido fucks down in Jersey. We were cussed at and spat upon and nearly thrown off a fire escape and then offered shots of Jameson. I'm pretty sure I'm going back next year.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:40:24 AM
you should also take some time to meet Christine.
1. this had to be the new breed of suburbanite parent. these people are so hungry to fit in with everyone that a involving motorcycles, john trovolta, and a black man will be the DVD hit of the year on their buys alone. THIS SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN CUBA PEOPLE!
2. i must find this woman. i think i am in love again.
(but just to be funny- "...but Mr. Pillsbury, you promised that we could make sweetrolls afterwards!"
3. i'm gonna go to river st., get really drunk, and headbutt people for talking in fake irish accents. i'll mostly pay with the card, but i'll be sure to take a $20 spot so that i can entice one of the railroad ex-college kids (seriously, it's a group of yuppies' kids that ride boxcars around the country to beg) to come back to my place for some pick-me-up, cuddling, oral sex, and sodomy. probably not in that order.
Posts: 5386 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:51:53 AM
Facinating review. I can't wait to see 300. I would go to night but I plan on getting plastered the minute I step outside. While epic movies like this are outstandingly entertaining, I hate that they flub up actual historic accuracy to make a better story. For instance, my friends (who barely graduated high school and none went to college) love Troy. This makes me hate myself for still talking to them. They kill Agamemnon in the movie. ?????????? How can they get away with that?
Robert Downey Jr. is fucking awesome. Everything he does is gold. Wayne Gale might just be one of the greatest characters of our generation.
I'm very upset that I will probably go my entire life (4-5 more years) without ever knowing what its like to kill someone. I might just try your plan.
Also, fight club is one of my favorite movies. The first time I saw it, I was up for three days straight after taking some weird acid my friend got from arizona. I was watching it after everyone went to sleep at like 4am. It fucked me up. I was so freaked out. I've seen it like 8-9 times after that and its still just as good.
Chuck Palaniuk, the author, writes some crazy ass books. After seeing the movie, I have read all his books. I highly recommend it.
My post is longer than your review so I'll be back later with my answers.
P.S. thank you for writing out "chnk chnk". I've been doing it all wrong.
1. How in the fuck does Tim Allan keep getting cast in movies? Do we really need another mid-life crisis movie with him as the star? Now he is dragging down the careers of Travolta, Macy and Lawrence. Well maybe not Lawrence.
2. "What am I doing here again and whats up with the cameras?"
"Shut up bitch! We pay you lots of money and these four big dick bastards get to fuck you 6 ways to Sunday. Action!"
3. Why do people need an Irish holiday to get drunk and defile themselves?
2. Welcome to every dork's fantasy, a hairy average chick on blow that is horny.
3. Launch an attack on myself at the parade on greenville avenue. If anyone is in the area, let me know. I'll buy any TPP regular a shot, no questions asked.
Favorite shot to launch an attack? 3 wise men. Let me know yours
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:44:18 AM
HOLY FUCK!! i've got an 8 foot boner with a gyro & a lb of feta cheese on top. i can not wait to see that movie.. "are you not entertained???!!" yes, i think i will be.
Q&A 1. the same people who gave "night at the museum" its six weeks at the top.
2. "antonella, pull your hair back a little more so you look like a boy... there, (splat!) - seacrest out!"
3. put on a notre dame football jersey & sob uncontrollably into a couple of pints of belhaven (yes it's scottish- but i'm also not in the myriad of douche that claims to be irish every march).
Isnt this movie going to be IMAX as well? Is it 3D IMAX or just big fucking screen IMAX? Either way im all over it.
1. Movie is so bad it doesnt deserve an answer. But is Bill Macey in every fucking movie ever? Every time I turn the channel he is on TV
2. "Say hello to my littel friend. Dont laugh, its not that little"
"is it?"
3. Ive got kid #2 due on the same day so I guess Ill be shitfaced fishing somewhere trying to escape reality. Right. Ill probably stuck in reality watching my wife pump and dump her tits so she can drink without getting the baby drunk. Its been a long 9 months.
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"Joey, do you like movies about Gladiator?" Goddamn right I do. I have no problem with the sword and sandal fair when it doesn't involve Legolas talking like a faggot for 347 minutes. Russell Crowe hands out beat downs with a telephone so he gets to be a Gladiator. Mel Gibson called a cop sugar tits which surely illustrates his Braveheart. But when pretty boys like Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom get all epic, I can only wonder whose Trojan horse is penetrating whose Spartan walls. Screw that. 300 may pass on the pretty boys, but surely did not skimp in the budget for half naked men. I know for a fact that Spartans wore more armor and all had plumes, but how the fuck are they supposed to look hard unless I can see their chiseled abs glistening with every turn of their strapping torsos? I mean do you think it's gay when Shawn Michaels enters the ring and works up his opponent to a climax that involves leaving another man lying there exhausted with his "sweet chin music" all over his face. Of course not. Unless you are of the back vagina crowd you just look at this like heroic oiled men in their underwear getting ready to do battle right. 
But regardless 300 has the right idea. Who gives a fuck about what actually happened in 480 BC. Cut to the blood and guts already. Sure the real warriors wore more clothing, but how would we tell them apart in a movie unless they were half naked. We don't really care about the boring sea battles fought by Themistocles that were more pivotal in the battle of Thermopylae. We could give a fuck about the fact that Leonidas actually joined up with 7000 other Greeks who weren't Spartans (a thousand of which were still present with the 300 at the last battle) or that the Persian army was really only about 200,000. The fact is, 300 vs. a million just sounds cool. Sure the Persian army blotted out the sun with their 10,000 arrows, never mind the fact that the quality of their bows was so shitty that the arrows bounced off the Spartans like taking a paper football to the forehead. The only real fact that matters is that on day one of the battle the bodies piled sky high because of a bottleneck in a mountain pass, and damnit this shit looks fucking cool.
Shot after shot is almost a direct visual translation from the Frank Miller's original vision. Leonidas kicking the Persian down the well looks the same on film as it does in the pages of the book. In fact the only real deviation from the graphic novel (that's geek for nice comic book) is a sadly necessary detour into what one might think is under belly of Baltimore. Dominic West gets his "Wire" on with a little Spartan politics while King Leonidas' honey Gorgo gets a little more face time than her 4 panels in the original mag. But who needs actors with a film that looks this cool. In fact I would liken it to the awe and wonder of the first time I had seen The Matrix had I not already seen the brilliant Japanese film 
