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Pawwwww kahhhhh! Is that the sound of heavy breathing on my neck? Darth Vader, lord of the Sith, has invaded the entire fucking weekend to the point that the rest of Hollywood has willingly succumbed to the power of the force. Since I already reviewed the only movie coming out this weekend, I thought you unworthy pigs should get a little history lesson in the power of 3. Since the dawn of movie franchises, Hollywood has been taking great ideas and shoving them down your throats in threes. Some turn out to be awesome trilogies like Lord Of the Rings. Others start out great and end in a giant pile of horse dung like the Matrix. Here’s a look at some of the famous part threes that Hollywood has subjected the weak-minded masses in the past.
Star Wars Ate My Children Rating Scale: PPPPP : Using the Jedi Mind Trick to get girls naked good! PPPP : Cutting someone’s arm off with a light saber in a bar good. PPP : Better than going to Tashi Station to pick up power converters PP : Using your TaunTaun as a heating blanket. P : Bantha Poodoo p : For a slight shift in my force
Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock PP
Note to self. Do not kill a main character if it means writing a whole movie dedicated to resurrecting that character that sucks dirty donkey dong. Just like many other franchise series, number two of this series is the best thing going and number 3 fails like a retard in advanced placement classes. Even fake ear wearing, tribble loving, sci-fi uber geeks will tell you that this movie is more painful to watch than having your penis hacked to bits by a Klingon betleH. This movie was such a turd that Kirstie Alley wouldn’t even reprise her role as a Vulcan from the previous film. It never fails that when a cast member directs anything Star Trek it ends up garbage.
Jaws 3D P
The 3rd Dimension is Terror! This 90 minute Sea World commercial is the fucking worst of the Jaws franchise by a looooong margin. Pre-Back to the Future Lea Thompson is a hot piece, but it's not enough to carry this turd that gets bogged down in the inner-workings of the Sea World and features far too many not-so-special effects. The only 3-D I am interested in is a well-endowed broad with an extra milk bag. Interesting side note: Simon MacCorkindale, who played Philp FitzRoyce, went on to star in the hilariously titled and short lived television show Manimal, in which a man transforms into animals to fight crime.
Alien 3 PPP
You may be wondering how it would be possible to combine the director of Fight Club with an Aliens movie and have it turn out bad. The simplest answer is, steal the ending of Terminator 2 and act like it is an original idea. Sigourney Schwarzenegger must be thrown in the fiery lava so that the evil cannot continue. Its like a goddamned frame for frame rip off! Michael Biehn also continues his curse with this movie. No one wants him to be in the sequels of his starring roles. He was actually paid to be in both this movie and Terminator 2, but was subsequently omitted from both. Even with starring roles in huge movies, most people have no clue who he is. Not only did Biehn get chopped out, but the little girl they spend the entire movie saving in Aliens is also dead at the beginning of the film. Nothing pisses off an audience more than saying we wasted two and a half hours of your life with characters that we don’t care about now. Barring those minor little details, David Fincher made a pretty good movie. The dog in the air vent isn’t as scary as the original chest burst from Alien, but it still resonates, even with an old salty bastard like me.
Smokey And The Bandit 3 Pp
I vaguely remember that this movie was missing a little something from its predecessors. Oh yeah, they forgot the fucking star! How in the hemorrhoids are you gonna have Smokey and The Bandit without the goddamned Bandit? Burt Reynolds is a cut and paste cameo in this movie that features Jerry Reid as the substitute Bandit and Jackie Gleason as the only entertaining thing in the film, Sheriff Buford T. Justice. Colleen Camp is somehow even worse than Sally “I Killed ER With My Cameo” Fields in the female sidekick role. I’d be more likely to watch Cannonball Run 3 than to ever waste my time on this movie again.
Rambo 3 P
First of all let me just say that First Blood is one the greatest movies ever made. John J. Rambo is a man I can identify with- a hard as fuck VFW, haunted, and will fuck you up if you push him too far. That’s what makes Rambo III such as disgrace. All of sudden he’s a fucking action hero! Fuck that. Not to mention that in R3 John doesn’t even carry a real Jimmu Lile survival knife. At least in First Blood: Part II he still has a real knife. They did make it bigger than what I would carry, but that’s forgivable. But in R3 he has this huge unwieldy prop knife… Sure it might look cooler to a bunch of pimple-faced dorks in a movie theater, but to anyone who knows the first thing about blades, it’s a fucking joke. He might as well carry around a battle-axe or a broad sword. The fucking blade is 11 inches long and about three inches wide! It has no saw teeth and no compass either. Good luck trying to slit someone’s throat with that five-pound monstrosity. Ridiculous! One P for reminding me how fucking great First Blood was.
Superman 3 PP
Coming off of the genius of General Zod in part 2, part three of the original comic book franchise had some big shoes to fill. So what did they do? They spent the first half of the movie having Superman fight himself, and then once he wins he has to fight... a computer. This movie should kneel before Zod and polish his stiff kryptonian hog leg. Even a coked-up Richard Pryor couldn't save this flick, but Annette O'Toole, as Lana Lang, hot off her roll in 48 hours was far more plowable than Margot Kidder ever was.
Back To the Future III. Michael J. Fox in the old west with the name Clint Eastwood. They should have nuked the whole cast for this crap.
TonyDanza
How bout....
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Posted: 5/20/2005 1:16:08 PM
Godfather Part 3, Beverly Hills cop 3 and Jurrasic Park 3 are also classic stinkers.
NWALover
Light Vader
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Posted: 5/20/2005 1:29:41 PM
If you ask me the newest version of Return of the Jedi is one of the worst part 3s ever. It was bad enough that it always had those cute fucking Ewoks, but the new super duper happy ending just blows ass. Plus they changed my favorite song from Jabba's lair. Total Bullshit!
Lea Thompson is totally the hottest chick in the universe!
Napalm Jones
Bratatattaattatatataata!
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Posted: 5/20/2005 1:54:10 PM
I think that Return of Jedi has to be disqualified since it is now technically part 6. I'll agree that changes to Jedi were for the worse. I really like the changes that were made to the original Star Wars, but Lucas was a giant ass pirate for changing the other two movies when the definitely didn't need it like the first one did.
Lea Thompson has always been one of my favorites too. Her movies suck (Space Camp, Some Kind Of Wonderful, Dennis the Menace). But when she hops on the bed in her panties in Howard the Duck, she is quite possible the sexiest chick alive. That scene was the only reason to watch that awful cum stain on the mattress of life. No surprise that movie is set in Cleveland. That city is so stupid they once caught water on fire!
Napalm Jones
PS
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Posted: 5/20/2005 2:04:07 PM
I disagree with TonyDanza about Godfather 3. It might be the weakest in the series but it is still 10 million times better than most part threes. Sophia Copalla however is about as sexy as Eric Stoltz in Mask in that movie. Really wish they would have cast someone else in that part.
The movie I want to slit my wrist for forgetting is Darkman 3 : Die Darkman Die. After Liam Neeson left the main role it was taken over by Arnold "The Mummy Marwan" Vosloo, who pretty much sucks the lint from my hairy ass crack. They couldn't even get the retard guy from LA Law to come back for this piece of shit. Casting Jeff "Lawn Mower Man" Fahey as the big star certainly didn't help either.
So what else did I miss fuckers? Don't say Friday the 13th part 3D because that movie was fucking sweet! I want to know which ones were the bad ones.
Frisco Ho
What Was That Again?
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Posted: 5/20/2005 2:49:15 PM
I vaguely recall being amused by the article, but once I started thinking about plowing Annette O'Toole I forgot everything else you said.
Terry Puhl's Ghost
Major League III: Back to the Minors
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Posted: 5/20/2005 2:57:54 PM
starring the immortal Scott Bakula. ML II wasn't terrific, but III was painful, even depressing. You might notice that the original was rated R and the sequels were PG-13 and inferior. I'm glad Star Wars went in the opposite direction with ep III.
blue sweaty freddy
Karate Kid III
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Posted: 5/20/2005 4:10:55 PM
Now, i'm a HUGE Ralph Macchio fan just like everyone else, but come on. This movie fucking sucked. The first one was sweet, because the Cobra Cais fucked Daniel up multiple times. Let's also not forget the sweet locker room scene where that keifer sutherland looking guy is making fun of daniel's name..."well if it isn't our little friend Danielle, hello Danielle.." good job writers, I felt daniel's pain. The only cool part in Karate Kid III is when John Kreis, the Cobra Cai leader shows up and makes fun of Miagi. That's it. Terrible fucking movie.
JROCK
PArt 3D!!!!
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Posted: 5/21/2005 4:08:02 PM
I wish I could see firday the 13th part three in 3d like it was originally shown. Seeing the movie without it is stupid. There is all this stuff flying at the screen that isn't scary at all, but looks like it would be cool in 3d. Does anyone know if there is a version on video or DVD that you can see that way?
Jus
Not Cool
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Posted: 5/21/2005 4:34:22 PM
Part 3Ds all suck excpet maybe SpyKids. I saw Friday the 13th part 3D at the drive in when I was a kid and the scariest part was the hotdog I ate from the concession stand. Jaws 3D was even worse (see above). There was one Nightmare on Elmstreet movie that only had like a 15 minute segment in 3D that I thought was pretty sweet in the theatre. I think it was part 6.
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Note to self. Do not kill a main character if it means writing a whole movie dedicated to resurrecting that character that sucks dirty donkey dong. Just like many other franchise series, number two of this series is the best thing going and number 3 fails like a retard in advanced placement classes. Even fake ear wearing, tribble loving, sci-fi uber geeks will tell you that this movie is more painful to watch than having your penis hacked to bits by a Klingon betleH. This movie was such a turd that Kirstie Alley wouldn’t even reprise her role as a Vulcan from the previous film. It never fails that when a cast member directs anything Star Trek it ends up garbage.
The 3rd Dimension is Terror! This 90 minute Sea World commercial is the fucking worst of the Jaws franchise by a looooong margin. Pre-Back to the Future Lea Thompson is a hot piece, but it's not enough to carry this turd that gets bogged down in the inner-workings of the Sea World and features far too many not-so-special effects. The only 3-D I am interested in is a well-endowed broad with an extra milk bag. Interesting side note: Simon MacCorkindale, who played Philp FitzRoyce, went on to star in the hilariously titled and short lived television show Manimal, in which a man transforms into animals to fight crime.
You may be wondering how it would be possible to combine the director of Fight Club with an Aliens movie and have it turn out bad. The simplest answer is, steal the ending of Terminator 2 and act like it is an original idea. Sigourney Schwarzenegger must be thrown in the fiery lava so that the evil cannot continue. Its like a goddamned frame for frame rip off! Michael Biehn also continues his curse with this movie. No one wants him to be in the sequels of his starring roles. He was actually paid to be in both this movie and Terminator 2, but was subsequently omitted from both. Even with starring roles in huge movies, most people have no clue who he is. Not only did Biehn get chopped out, but the little girl they spend the entire movie saving in Aliens is also dead at the beginning of the film. Nothing pisses off an audience more than saying we wasted two and a half hours of your life with characters that we don’t care about now. Barring those minor little details, David Fincher made a pretty good movie. The dog in the air vent isn’t as scary as the original chest burst from Alien, but it still resonates, even with an old salty bastard like me. 
I vaguely remember that this movie was missing a little something from its predecessors. Oh yeah, they forgot the fucking star! How in the hemorrhoids are you gonna have Smokey and The Bandit without the goddamned Bandit? Burt Reynolds is a cut and paste cameo in this movie that features Jerry Reid as the substitute Bandit and Jackie Gleason as the only entertaining thing in the film, Sheriff Buford T. Justice. Colleen Camp is somehow even worse than Sally “I Killed ER With My Cameo” Fields in the female sidekick role. I’d be more likely to watch Cannonball Run 3 than to ever waste my time on this movie again.
First of all let me just say that First Blood is one the greatest movies ever made. John J. Rambo is a man I can identify with- a hard as fuck VFW, haunted, and will fuck you up if you push him too far. That’s what makes Rambo III such as disgrace. All of sudden he’s a fucking action hero! Fuck that. Not to mention that in R3 John doesn’t even carry a real Jimmu Lile survival knife. At least in First Blood: Part II he still has a real knife. They did make it bigger than what I would carry, but that’s forgivable. But in R3 he has this huge unwieldy prop knife…
Sure it might look cooler to a bunch of pimple-faced dorks in a movie theater, but to anyone who knows the first thing about blades, it’s a fucking joke. He might as well carry around a battle-axe or a broad sword. The fucking blade is 11 inches long and about three inches wide! It has no saw teeth and no compass either. Good luck trying to slit someone’s throat with that five-pound monstrosity. Ridiculous! One P for reminding me how fucking great First Blood was.
Coming off of the genius of General Zod in part 2, part three of the original comic book franchise had some big shoes to fill. So what did they do? They spent the first half of the movie having Superman fight himself, and then once he wins he has to fight... a computer. This movie should kneel before Zod and polish his stiff kryptonian hog leg. Even a coked-up Richard Pryor couldn't save this flick, but Annette O'Toole, as Lana Lang, hot off her roll in 48 hours was far more plowable than Margot Kidder ever was.
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