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Mean Green CG Puppet Fights Back.
Stop stroking each other’s light sabers and straighten up fan boys. It’s time for my exclusive Star Wars Episode 3 review. I had to tunnel my way through 5 miles of horse dung and electrical wire at the Skywalker ranch to get an early glimpse of the movie for you fuckers. I knew if I waited until Friday all you little snots nose pricks would have seen the movie and nitpicked it to pieces on your third-rate blogs and webzines, so I figured I had to go to the extremes to keep you bed wetters happy. You flabby wastes of flesh better had better fucking appreciate the goddam gesture. It ain't too often that Napalm goes out of his way for anyone, especially ATAT loving nerds like you. So without further adieu, here’s my review.
Stars Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith PPPPP
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away George Lucas was a poor, aspiring filmmaker and Harrison Ford was a carpenter like Jesus. Almost 30 years later George is cranking out what he says will be his last Star Wars movie and his final chance to reach into your pockets and pull out the last remaining shred of dignity you have as a fan. Many of you are probably already in line waiting to see what you hope will be a masterpiece of mythical proportion. If you’re lucky, your part of the line is stopped close enough to Borders that you can pick up a “hot spot” signal on your laptop that allows you to continue your game of Star Wars Galaxies and read this review. If you’re unlucky, you’ve realized that most theaters are pre-selling tickets already and your chances of seeing it the first week are about as good as good as getting laid on Dagobah by a sex droid frozen in carbonite. But just because the movie has already made 7 million at the box office before even opening doesn’t mean it is good, or does it?
Is That Your Finger In My Ass Young Master Jedi?
Here’s the good news. Lucas has not made 2 and a half hours of Ewok poodoo chronicling the zany misadventures of Jar Jar Binks as he treks across the universe. Here’s the bad news. Natalie Portman keeps her closes on. In fact she was probably hotter when she was playing a 12 year old wanna be killer in the Professional, but I’d still do her sideways in the back of a landspeeder if given the chance. Here’s some good news for you though, Ewan MacGregor also manages to keep his clothes on through an entire movie. I’ve seen just about enough of that guys light saber. Bad news, Sam Jackson has the force, but does not drop the f-bomb once in the entire movie. In fact, I was desperately hoping to hear him say, “What in the fuck is you talking about, you little green son of a bitch. You know how you can tell my light saber apart from the rest? It’s the one that says bad mutha fucker on it. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger…” You get the point. Hey, I’m also the guy that kept waiting for Billy Dee to say, “Works every time,” after he blew up the 2nd Death Star in Jedi, so what do you expect?
So what does the average fan really want from this movie. You wanna see the planet where Chewbacca comes from? You wanna see Palpatine form the all-powerful Empire and develop that Kermit meets Gilbert Gottfried voice? How bout a light saber duel between Obi Wan and the half alien, half droid General Grievous who can wield four light sabers simultaneously or be a one-man circle jerk. Or maybe you’re one of those gay ass 12 year olds that just want a little comic relief from R2D2 and C3PO. Maybe you just wanna see how everything ties nicely into the original Star Wars movie. Like the birth of Luke and Leia and their subsequent separation which has Bail Organna taking Leia to Alderann and Obi Wan putting baby Luke in the hands of a young Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru pre-inceneration. Maybe you want to see R2 and C3PO get handed over to Captain Antilles and have their memories wiped so they can start off fresh and annoying as ever in the original Star Wars.
Jedi Knights Battle To The Death!
No that’s not what you want. You want to see the good stuff. Like the Emperor and Yoda in a heart stopping light saber duel. Like the end of the clone wars. Like the execution of Order 66 that proclaims that the Jedis are enemies of the Empire. You want to see Storm Troopers mowing down Jedis left and right with blasters and Mace Windu’s heroic death. You want to see Anakin’s turn to the darkside. You want to see Anakin hack a group of pre-teen padawans to bits with his light saber. You want to see Obi Wan cutting off Anakin's legs and arm and leaving him half burnt to death on the lava shores of Mustafar. And most importantly you want to see Anakin as Darth Vader standing next to the Emperor and Grand Moff Tarkin on the bridge of a Star Destroyer overlooking the construction of the first Death Star. Well if that’s what you and your geek buddies were hoping for then that’s exactly what you’ll get. Oh, did I forget to say Spoiler Alert? Sorry.
So, if you haven’t figured it out yet this movie kicks more ass than my Marine unit did during the Battle of Kontum back in ’72. The clone wars ain’t quite the same as mortar fire taking off your buddy’s head, but Anakin “Stumpy” Skywalker with no legs half burned to death is pretty close. Amazingly this flick got a PG-13 rating. So you can load up the mini van and take the kids to see the darkest Stars Wars film ever made. I hope all of these uber-obsessed fans are happy that they forced Lucas to make this brutal final piece of his puzzle to their specs. Lucas’s own children will probably never forgive you, but if you’re like me, you don’t give a fuck and you’re just happy to see everything end where it began. So, enjoy it geeks. You’ve had to sit through two bullshit prequels and 5 different versions of the original trilogy just to get here.
I’ll probably go sit in the theater three more times this week myself, which sucks cause I had totally planned to go to Tashi station to pick up some power converters. I can only hope that the long line has more chicks dressed like slave girl Leai than dudes dressed like Darth Maul or Boba Fett, which is not likely. Yeah, I’m a geek too, but if you tell anyone I’ll stick a grenade in your ass a duct tape the pin to your pecker. Then if you get a hard on during the movie, you can explode yourself and the 30 other bath robe wearing idiots who jump out of their seats when Yoda draws his light saber.
Good reporting Napalm, I have my tickets already for this Wednesday night and I'm going to love every minute of it!
gtiller
power converters
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Posted: 5/16/2005 12:04:03 PM
It's such a shame that Luke was such a whiny little bitch, but I'd whine too if I had to miss out on going to Tashi station to pick up some power converters, instead having to listen to Cfucking3PO babble about everything like a know it all motherfucker.
George Lucarse
George is a big hm with funny ears but tell him i told you that, right...................
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Posted: 5/16/2005 12:31:50 PM
Absolutely hilarious review of the film, and very accurate.
You may wanna rethink calling me a 'flabby waste of flesh' btw, im no waste, im lovely and flexy i'll have you know.
The comments about the film being a forced body of work are probably the most irrefutable and definitive piece of journalism ive witnessed in a long time.
Well done old chap.
Now im off to bag me some slave girls for a menage of three.
So that we can watch it all over again as i hang out of them as i grab their collective cinnabuns.
Cheers.
Balthazar
Gonna be the Bomb!
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Posted: 5/16/2005 2:05:08 PM
If those spoilers are for real, this is gonna be the best Star Wars movie since Empire.
If not you're a dick for getting my hopes up.
J-Rock
Fuck You
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Posted: 5/16/2005 3:13:39 PM
I have managed to avoid hearing any spoilers about this movie for over a month now. I thought for sure your review would be bullshit just like all your other reivews. If these spoilers are for real consider me super fucking pissed.
Tom A
I Don't Pray Often
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Posted: 5/16/2005 3:23:31 PM
but I will tonight.
Before I go to sleep this evening, I plan to thank Almighty God that virtually none of this made sense to me.
Napalm
Brattatttaattattattaa
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Posted: 5/16/2005 5:32:30 PM
J-Rock - Consider yourself pissed. All of those spoilers are accurate! Did you really think you were going to avoid them? The fucking book version of the movie has been out for over a month! Besides, you'd have to be an idiot to not know where the story was going. It has to lead to Episode 4, so some of these things had to happen. The fun is not knowing what happens, but seeing it anyway. The only major difference from what I understand between the book and movie is that the story line that has Amidala starting the rebellion was taken out of the film due to time issues.
George - Sorry for calling you a flabby waste of flesh. I guess swinging your plastic light saber around with your buddies has kept you in better shape than most fan boys. I do however appreciate your other compliments.
Tom A - Apparently you are an idiot. If you can't read you should look into that whole hooked on phonics thing. I heard it worked wonders for Evander Hollyfield and Ron Harper.
gtiller - Yep, Luke is a puss. "What's that flashing light?" Is another one of his finest whiny moments from the original. The Tashi station line however is the ultimate. In my opinion Han was always the hero of the first trilogy.
J-Rock
Sure Whatever
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Posted: 5/16/2005 8:26:54 PM
You're right, I should've expected these things would be in the movie. I re-read the review and it's actually pretty funny. I'm still really excited to see the movie.
Pinto
Butt Sabers
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Posted: 5/17/2005 2:12:38 AM
The caption on that second picture is the funniest thing in this article.
Brian
Is That Your light saber or are you just happy to see me?
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Posted: 5/17/2005 1:45:42 PM
That photo totally looks like the Emperor just got some force from Darth's half man half machine meat!
Didn't notice it until I read these comments. Really funny!
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