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Now that George Lucas has enough money to buy a medium sized continent, it’s time we get back to the rest of this summer’s foray into your wallets. But first, I must note that on second viewing of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, I feel compelled to mention a few minor things. First, Mary Shelly called and she wants her monster back. “Noooooo!” Second, when Anakin gets denied membership as a full Jedi master and says, “What?” to Yoda and Mace Windu, I could not help but to jump out of my seat and scream “SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.” That would have kept the whiny little shit from turning to the darkside if Mace had gotten all Jewels on his lilly white ass. And finally it’s nice to know that a woman carrying twins will only gain about 7 pounds and give birth with rapid-fire ease and precision. I couldn’t believe Obi Wan didn’t offer to cut the cord with his light saber. Now that everyone is all forced out its time to get back to business.
Joe Pesci Rating Scale: (5 good – 1 bad) PPPPP – Tommy DeVito – “What the FUCK is so funny about me?” PPPP – Nicky Santoro – “I'll squash your head like a fuckin' grapefruit if you don't give me a name!” PPP – Vinny Gambibi – “Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits?” PP – David Ferrie – “Who killed Kennedy? It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! The fuckin' shooters don't even know!” P – Leo Getz – “Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay?” p – Little p is for shooting Spider in the foot.
MOVIES: The Longest Yard PPP
Remake number 6,742 for 2005. Yeah! I know many of you may not have been alive in the 70’s, but you all have Netflix or Blockbuster membership, so here’s my proposal. I’ll give you a list of all the sweet movies that were made between 1965 and 1995. Then you can put them in your queue and watch them at your leisure. Think of the millions we could save Hollywood if they didn’t have to remake great movies just because a few twelve year olds haven’t seen it yet. Not to mention that Burt Reynolds wouldn’t have to go around slapping CBS reporters for having not seen the original. I would understand if the guy hadn’t seen Stroker Ace or Malone, but I saw the original Longest Yard after my final tour in Nam and it was a damn good movie. This version ain’t half bad either, but Adam Sandbagler can't touch a clean-shaven Burt in his heyday.
The Exorcist Dominion p
So is this the sequel to the prequel or a second prequel to the previous sequel’s prequel. And more importantly does anyone give an unholy head spinning fuck either way! Basically this movie was shelved to release, of all things, a Renny “I Sank Carolco with Cutthroat Island” Harlin prequel, Exorcist the Beginning. And oh what good fortune! Someone decided this movie was so good after all, that they would release up against Star Wars Episode 3. If all that doesn’t tell you how much this movie sucks, then how about this. I would rather watch Rosie O’Donnell ass rape Ted Nugent. That would be far more entertaining and scary than seeing yet another movie about a priest in a crisis of faith that stumbles upon someone possessed by the devil.
Madagascar PP
Fucking Schwimmer! I thought now that Friends was off the air the cast might go out and take some quality movies. Personally I was hoping Schwimmer could get his buddies Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston to co-star with him in the sequel to his 1997 hit movie Breast Men. Ainsley Hayes’ tit flash in the first one was a classic moment and I would certainly pay $10.50 to see him give Aniston’s milk bags the once over. Instead I get Schwimmer hamming it up with Chris Rock and Ben Stiller, who, by the way, has appeared in almost as many movies in the past 2 years as there have been awful remakes of good movies. This movie seems like it was based on the last batch of pansies I trained as a drill Sergeant. They’re all high and mighty stateside, but as soon as they hit the jungle they shit their pants and roll around in it for warmth and comfort. Here’s what should have happened. Exotic, domesticated animals get shipped to Africa. Two of them die in transport and a third is eaten the second they are set free because it is a weak and inferior food source for the waiting animals. The one that survives feeding time is killed by Dutch poachers and mounted on the wall of some European pub. Realistic fun for the whole family!
DVD: Chappelle Season 2 DVD PPPPP
Speaking of mother fuckers who get dropped off in Africa… I hope all you fans are ready to wear a groove in the Rick James episode, because it looks like that's all your gonna get for a while. You’ve seen the jokes, you’ve memorized the jokes, you’ve told the jokes to your buddies ten million times and now for the first time you can own them in your very own home! But I will warn you right now that the answer to “What did the five fingers say to the face” is, “I will break both your arms and then extract each one of your sperm individually with a syringe if you even think about slapping me.” It is time for people to jump on the other sketches that make this one of the all time best sketch comedy shows. My personal favorites are Knee-high Park, Tyrone Biggums on Fear Factor, Who Knows Black People, and the classic Wayne Brady Sketch. I wish I could say something bad about Dave, but I know he’s chilling out in South Africa right now smoking the phattest blunt of all time with some mutherfucker talking at him in clicks and pops, coming up with the funniest shit ever for when he finally decides that his little bout with the Carribean Flu is over.
TV: Alias Season Finale P
If you missed the Alias season finale don’t worry. It should be easy to explain. Sidney’s dad is not her sister’s dad but her evil boss is and Sidney’s mom is an evil Russian spy who is helping capture her more evil Russian spy sister who raised her daughter, but didn’t raise Sydney. Then the more evil sister of the Russian mothers teamed up with the more evil dad of the two sisters to create a menacing ball of water from a 300-year-old manuscript that might destroy the world if one of the pairs of sisters doesn’t kill their sibling before the zombies stop them. Right about the time people started getting attacked by zombies was the when I puked in my own mouth and swallowed it back from laughing so hard. I watched just long enough to catch the rogue special effects that escaped from the WB threatening the world. They could have made a better-looking ball of water on my old TurboGraphix16. I’d say this show was interesting because of the Bennifer hype, but thinking about Affleck bending the manly Garner over is about as hot as Affleck bending over Matt Damon.
MUSIC: Audioslave Out Of Exile PPp Rage against the garden? Or is it sound against the machine? How bout we send you boys back into exile to actually finish this record. There are definitely good moments on this shiny new coaster but they are wrapped up in sloppy production and Chris Cornell’s desire to look at himself in the mirror for hours on end. It almost makes me long for the days when Zach DelaRocha was preaching the benefits of communism to our susceptible youth. As foolish and misguided as that commie traitor bastard was at least he put more emotion in his music than the watered down dreck presented by this bunch.
Gorillaz Demon Days PP I wonder if cartoons have the ability to the lick hairy, bulbous flesh at the edge of my ass crack? Judging from this record it sure sounds like they do. What was once an innovative amalgam of brilliant musicians now sounds like a mash up of Black Eye Peas and Wayne Newton. The addition of Danger Mouse to this project does nothing to make up for the loss of Dan The Automator as one of the creative minds behind the musical end of this project. Maybe these cartoon rockers can draw and extra zero on the end of their sales, because I don’t think this mediocre record is going anywhere.
(Please feel free to post your favorite moments or lines from Chappelle Show. I'm really curious to know if anyone remebers anything besides "I'm Rick James Biatch!".)
"Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?" Best line ever.
I also lost my shit when when FrankenVader screamed no.
The Dude
N-I-G-G-A-R
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Posted: 5/27/2005 9:48:15 AM
"The name is Sanchez, and please don't call us wetbacks Niggar"
schoey
top lines and moments of season 2
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Posted: 5/27/2005 9:54:34 AM
- You know Joe Rogan, this isnt the first time ive tasted penis. - I beat my dick like it owes me money (Knee-High Park) - I plead the FiF 1 2 3 4 FIF!!!! - sorry im late, i was caught up in some punani - Black Bush - MARS Bitches - M-A-R-S Mars, red rocks YAY-YAY
Weez
Knee-high Park
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:07:23 AM
When the Clap said, "Haven't seen you in a while Dave Chappelle", and Dave responded with, "Dirty muthafucka!"
I'm the Herpes! I'm the Herpes!
See ya in hell motherfuckers!
from the mothaland
YELLOW CAKE!!!
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:20:01 AM
DONT DROP THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy
Fear Factor
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:32:30 AM
I'm pretty sure I actually spit food across the room when I heard tyrone say this isn't the first time I've tasted penis.
PS Alias was that bad and that ridiculous all season long. When Vaughn and Syd's car gets smashed at the end of the episode, I didn't care that he was telling her a secret. I just wanted them to be dead for good so that I am never tempted to watch again.
Hilarious
He Did Tell You
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:38:36 AM
Dave - "Nick Cannon?" Daves Son - "Daddy I Told You, Nick Cannon's H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s"
Dave - "MmmmMmmmMm Bitch, Samuel Jackson...It's My Beer"
NWALover
Badonkadonk
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:41:24 AM
"that's what you put your mug on and saddle up and ride." -The barber in I know black people.
Those are classic Joe Pesci lines! You got them in perfect order of the amount of annoyingness from the character. His Lethal Weapon guy was definitely the worst. Stars Wars and the Exorcist both stunk like shit. I feel like I wasted 30 bills at the movies last weekend. But the Gorillaz record is dope!
Sam Jackson Lager
Juice that was a good movie
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:48:48 AM
Deep Blue sea - they ate me, a fuckin shark at me.........
Jess
I'm Prince, Biatch!
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Posted: 5/27/2005 10:56:56 AM
First off, Jennifer Garner is hot as shit and I'm a girl! Second Burt Reynolds slapped the shit out of that reporter like he was Charlie Murphy! Personally I thought the Prince bit was funnier than Rick James.
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Remake number 6,742 for 2005. Yeah! I know many of you may not have been alive in the 70’s, but you all have Netflix or Blockbuster membership, so here’s my proposal. I’ll give you a list of all the sweet movies that were made between 1965 and 1995. Then you can put them in your queue and watch them at your leisure. Think of the millions we could save Hollywood if they didn’t have to remake great movies just because a few twelve year olds haven’t seen it yet. Not to mention that Burt Reynolds wouldn’t have to go around slapping CBS reporters for having not seen the original. I would understand if the guy hadn’t seen Stroker Ace or Malone, but I saw the original Longest Yard after my final tour in Nam and it was a damn good movie. This version ain’t half bad either, but Adam Sandbagler can't touch a clean-shaven Burt in his heyday.
So is this the sequel to the prequel or a second prequel to the previous sequel’s prequel. And more importantly does anyone give an unholy head spinning fuck either way! Basically this movie was shelved to release, of all things, a Renny “I Sank Carolco with Cutthroat Island” Harlin prequel, Exorcist the Beginning. And oh what good fortune! Someone decided this movie was so good after all, that they would release up against Star Wars Episode 3. If all that doesn’t tell you how much this movie sucks, then how about this. I would rather watch Rosie O’Donnell ass rape Ted Nugent. That would be far more entertaining and scary than seeing yet another movie about a priest in a crisis of faith that stumbles upon someone possessed by the devil.
Fucking Schwimmer! I thought now that Friends was off the air the cast might go out and take some quality movies. Personally I was hoping Schwimmer could get his buddies Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston to co-star with him in the sequel to his 1997 hit movie Breast Men. Ainsley Hayes’ tit flash in the first one was a classic moment and I would certainly pay $10.50 to see him give Aniston’s milk bags the once over. Instead I get Schwimmer hamming it up with Chris Rock and Ben Stiller, who, by the way, has appeared in almost as many movies in the past 2 years as there have been awful remakes of good movies. This movie seems like it was based on the last batch of pansies I trained as a drill Sergeant. They’re all high and mighty stateside, but as soon as they hit the jungle they shit their pants and roll around in it for warmth and comfort. Here’s what should have happened. Exotic, domesticated animals get shipped to Africa. Two of them die in transport and a third is eaten the second they are set free because it is a weak and inferior food source for the waiting animals. The one that survives feeding time is killed by Dutch poachers and mounted on the wall of some European pub. Realistic fun for the whole family!
Speaking of mother fuckers who get dropped off in Africa… I hope all you fans are ready to wear a groove in the Rick James episode, because it looks like that's all your gonna get for a while. You’ve seen the jokes, you’ve memorized the jokes, you’ve told the jokes to your buddies ten million times and now for the first time you can own them in your very own home! But I will warn you right now that the answer to “What did the five fingers say to the face” is, “I will break both your arms and then extract each one of your sperm individually with a syringe if you even think about slapping me.” It is time for people to jump on the other sketches that make this one of the all time best sketch comedy shows. My personal favorites are Knee-high Park, Tyrone Biggums on Fear Factor, Who Knows Black People, and the classic Wayne Brady Sketch. I wish I could say something bad about Dave, but I know he’s chilling out in South Africa right now smoking the phattest blunt of all time with some mutherfucker talking at him in clicks and pops, coming up with the funniest shit ever for when he finally decides that his little bout with the Carribean Flu is over.
If you missed the Alias season finale don’t worry. It should be easy to explain. Sidney’s dad is not her sister’s dad but her evil boss is and Sidney’s mom is an evil Russian spy who is helping capture her more evil Russian spy sister who raised her daughter, but didn’t raise Sydney. Then the more evil sister of the Russian mothers teamed up with the more evil dad of the two sisters to create a menacing ball of water from a 300-year-old manuscript that might destroy the world if one of the pairs of sisters doesn’t kill their sibling before the zombies stop them. Right about the time people started getting attacked by zombies was the when I puked in my own mouth and swallowed it back from laughing so hard. I watched just long enough to catch the rogue special effects that escaped from the WB threatening the world. They could have made a better-looking ball of water on my old TurboGraphix16. I’d say this show was interesting because of the Bennifer hype, but thinking about Affleck bending the manly Garner over is about as hot as Affleck bending over Matt Damon.
Rage against the garden? Or is it sound against the machine? How bout we send you boys back into exile to actually finish this record. There are definitely good moments on this shiny new coaster but they are wrapped up in sloppy production and Chris Cornell’s desire to look at himself in the mirror for hours on end. It almost makes me long for the days when Zach DelaRocha was preaching the benefits of communism to our susceptible youth. As foolish and misguided as that commie traitor bastard was at least he put more emotion in his music than the watered down dreck presented by this bunch. 
I wonder if cartoons have the ability to the lick hairy, bulbous flesh at the edge of my ass crack? Judging from this record it sure sounds like they do. What was once an innovative amalgam of brilliant musicians now sounds like a mash up of Black Eye Peas and Wayne Newton. The addition of Danger Mouse to this project does nothing to make up for the loss of Dan The Automator as one of the creative minds behind the musical end of this project. Maybe these cartoon rockers can draw and extra zero on the end of their sales, because I don’t think this mediocre record is going anywhere.
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