Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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Woe of all woes, what is the world coming to? First off, if you are gonna kill college students please do not kill the ones that are smart enough to build the bridges and tunnels that could actually fix the congestion at the 101 / 134 split in the San Fernando valley. There are plenty of students at Chico State who can't fix their own hair, so my heartfelt condolences go out to those the families of the smart kids at Virginia Tech who were taken too soon. Personally I don't think Virginia's gun laws are any more to blame than the campus gun ban that kept another wacko student from having a gun to stop that guy. But until a psych test is a part of gun buying laws, wing nuts like this will always slip through the cracks. A background check will only tell you if some donut-eater has ever caught the guy doing something bad. It won't tell you if a Rorschach makes him think of all the puppies he strangled as child.
As if the mass murder of civilians wasn't bad enough I read the shock of all shocks about ten minutes later. Seriously, a Marine Corps tattoo ban is more oxymoronic than an extensive brief from Naval Intelligence on inserting a peace force as a new tradition. No new ink below the elbow or knee? Sure you don't want Marines to look like they just fell out of some kid's Picture Pages or got kicked out of the insane clown posse, but just because my calf has a picture of Calvin pissing on the entire center section of the globe should not be a reason to keep me from re-upping.
As soon as I started to accept my now permanent retired status because of my leg ink, America went and wrecked my favorite pastime to boot. Why, oh why didn't all you fuckers vote to keep Sangria on "American Idol"? I get that he was like that carton of eggnog that has been sitting in the back of your fridge since X-mas turning into a chunky penicillin farm, but why throw him away yourself. It's much better to let the rot gestate until you can unleash it on the unsuspecting world. The hilarity of Sanjina as the winner could have continued for years. "Idol" would have been forced to release his album. That would have been like the whole music business eating its own shit for all the Carrie Underwoods, Clay Aikens and Bo Bices they have unleashed on us for the past decade. But apparently Fox blocked all incoming calls from India so Sanguyno's only chance now is top notch Baliwood musicals. Take that India. At least maybe now I can get some tech support from Microsoft again. This Vista thing is killing me.
To really solidify that this was in fact the worst week ever, Scarlett "Booooiiinnng" Johansson announced that she will not get nude in film... for now. What does "for now" mean? Is that like a pinch of salt? Are we talking like 2 weeks, 2 months, or pain of all pains, 2 years!? How many times am I going to have to beat off to ping through shirt in Eight Legged Freaks before we get the full goods. I already broke the freeze frame on my VCR watching that side breast shot from Love Song For Bobby Long. This is ridiculous!!! She does know Halle Berry got a fucking Academy Award for balling Billy Bob right? The only thing, and I mean the only thing that is keeping me from putting on a Morrissey record and drinking battery acid and Drano is Hayden Panettiere. That's right. Everyone's favorite superteen is a Girls Gone Wild video waiting to happen. Too bad she's still under by a few days. But as soon as she is legal I propose we lick the cheerleader before she licks the world. Thanks for making my week bearable, Hayden. In a world filled with trigger happy collegians, inkless Gomers, and covered breasts it's nice to know some girls are still dumb enough to do stupid shit in front of cameras. You are definitely my Hero. Here's hoping that audition for the part of Miss Nevada goes your way.
Ten Hut, Maggots! On to the fucking reviews...
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
In this updated version of the 80's thriller Larry Appleton, a struggling photo journalist, has finally left home for the bright lights of the big city. But to survive in Chicago he has to take a lowly job at the corner discount store from his greedy landlord Mr. Twinkacetti until he can somehow find a scheme that will allow him to become the world class photographer that he truly knows he is. But Larry's life takes a drastic turn when his sheepherding cousin Balki Bartokomous from Mypos lands on his doorstep one night desperate for a place to stay. When cousin Larry tries to get Balki a job at Twinkacetti's store will the sheepherder's weird customs cost Larry his own job or will the quippy cousins find a clever way to solve all of their problems while simultaneously teaching the world a heartwarming lesson about accepting different cultures? This thriller is sure to have you teetering on the edge of seat.
Shit, Shrapnel is telling me I watched the wrong thing. I thought Bruce Willis had a lot less hair than that. I guess I was supposed to see some movie about some guy who lied about who he was on the internet to Halle Berry. Sounds like any week of my life. I think I'd rather watch more of the hijinx with Balki and Cousin Larry personally. I hear there is an epsidoe where they get snowed in to their apartment for Xmas. Should be awesome!
From the creators of everyone's favorite romantic zomedy comes the brilliant tongue in cheek buddy cop movie, Hot Fuzz. That's right, I said brilliant and buddy cop movie in the same sentence. Sure, there's no classic Nick Nolte lines like "So, instead of bein' where I oughta be, home in bed with my gal givin' her the high hard one, I'm out here doin' THIS shit: roamin' around the streets with an overdressed, charcoal-colored loser like you." But the gang from Shaun of The Dead re-teaming to tackle the streets instead of the living dead is a good start. Their initial parody reflected the drone of working stiffs on their regular pub crawl fighting off undead stiffs crawling around their pub. But this time the target hits a bit closer to home. These cops have every desire to be the next Bad Boys at our expense. And it's hilarious.
Supercop Nicholas Angel is a bit too good at being a London Bobby beating the baddies and has begun to make his fellow coppers look bad with his efficiency. So to teach him a lesson in British humility he gets sent to the sleepy proper town of Sanford. Angel teams up with a local copper, Danny Butterman, who has machinations of playing Tango to Angel's Cash. But of course there are no baddies in this little town. No Bobby Z'dar lurking around the corner or James Hong to dispatch. Or are there? In actuality this sleepy little village seems like some New England town conjured in the mind of Stephen King. But instead of the twist being the devil selling antiques, the little old ladies and saintly priests in this country village are actually the kind of harden thugs that can only be dispatched with heavy artillery and dark British humor. When Butterman asks, "Is it true that there's a point on a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?" in a classroom full of little children it's enough to make Danny Glover not even feel too old for this shit. This movie targets, observes and ridicules with a level of comedic timing that I haven't seen since "Benny Hill" went off the air. Wait, that wasn't timing it was boobs, but regardless this shit is well worth seeing this weekend.
Posts: 55 Rank: 202 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 4/20/2007 4:08:50 AM
1) Military Intelligence 2) Vanila Ice and Li'l Kim's love child. Li'l Ice. 3) Jake and that funny looking dog from Jake and the fatman and of course, the all time classic, Three's company's Stanley Roper and Jack Tripper. They turned misunderstading a situation into an art form. God Bless 'em.
but I think that this a retarded kid (thats not a pose), that the guys working out at the gym make hold all their jewlery while they work out. Doesn't pay much, but he's happy.
1) Second Best 2) "Yo, what set you you claimin', Doubletime?" "I'm reppin the White Man crew yo" 3) Gotta be Magnum PI and Higgins. One superwaxed crumbcatcher and one full on button tickler set of whiskers. Can't beat that.
Is that review supposed to make me hate The Condemned because I love everyone of those movies? Might be a total ripoff, but as long as they stay away from Judge Dread that flick sounds pretty good to me.
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To really solidify that this was in fact the worst week ever, Scarlett "Booooiiinnng" Johansson announced that she will not get nude in film... for now. What does "for now" mean? Is that like a pinch of salt? Are we talking like 2 weeks, 2 months, or pain of all pains, 2 years!? How many times am I going to have to beat off to ping through shirt in Eight Legged Freaks before we get the full goods. I already broke the freeze frame on my VCR watching that side breast shot from Love Song For Bobby Long. This is ridiculous!!! She does know Halle Berry got a fucking Academy Award for balling Billy Bob right? The only thing, and I mean the only thing that is keeping me from putting on a Morrissey record and drinking battery acid and Drano is Hayden Panettiere. That's right. Everyone's favorite superteen is a Girls Gone Wild video waiting to happen. Too bad she's still under by a few days. But as soon as she is legal I propose we lick the cheerleader before she licks the world. Thanks for making my week bearable, Hayden. In a world filled with trigger happy collegians, inkless Gomers, and covered breasts it's nice to know some girls are still dumb enough to do stupid shit in front of cameras. You are definitely my Hero. Here's hoping that audition for the part of Miss Nevada goes your way.
In this updated version of the 80's thriller Larry Appleton, a struggling photo journalist, has finally left home for the bright lights of the big city. But to survive in Chicago he has to take a lowly job at the corner discount store from his greedy landlord Mr. Twinkacetti until he can somehow find a scheme that will allow him to become the world class photographer that he truly knows he is. But Larry's life takes a drastic turn when his sheepherding cousin Balki Bartokomous from Mypos lands on his doorstep one night desperate for a place to stay. When cousin Larry tries to get Balki a job at Twinkacetti's store will the sheepherder's weird customs cost Larry his own job or will the quippy cousins find a clever way to solve all of their problems while simultaneously teaching the world a heartwarming lesson about accepting different cultures? This thriller is sure to have you teetering on the edge of seat.
From the creators of everyone's favorite romantic zomedy comes the brilliant tongue in cheek buddy cop movie, Hot Fuzz. That's right, I said brilliant and buddy cop movie in the same sentence. Sure, there's no classic Nick Nolte lines like "So, instead of bein' where I oughta be, home in bed with my gal givin' her the high hard one, I'm out here doin' THIS shit: roamin' around the streets with an overdressed, charcoal-colored loser like you." But the gang from Shaun of The Dead re-teaming to tackle the streets instead of the living dead is a good start. Their initial parody reflected the drone of working stiffs on their regular pub crawl fighting off undead stiffs crawling around their pub. But this time the target hits a bit closer to home. These cops have every desire to be the next Bad Boys at our expense. And it's hilarious.
