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Hi Heroes! Dazzlin' Dave Amiott here, back from the blue with another behind-the-scenes update about all the zany antics we're up to here at the Phat Phree offices (our antics are a full 10% zanier than the next leading comedy website!).
After showing my I.D. to Lex, our new security guard (we had to beef up security after Juan Turlington was attacked by that crazed fan with the replica He-Man Power Sword), I hustled myself into Xanadu, the stately office of our Editor-in-Chief, Charles Foster DeMarco. He was seated with his back to me, gazing out the window at his panoramic view of the Cuyahoga River. I cleared my throat.
"Amiott?" He asked.
"None other, boss." I replied.
He swiveled slowly and fixed with a glare as frosty as Dave Thomas' nipples.
"I thought we got rid of you." He said.
"No, sir. I've just been on sabbatical."
"We were paying for it?" He arched an eyebrow.
"It's deductible. I saved my receipts." I dug in my pockets and produced a wad of papers. "Should I send them to accounting?"
"Fuck it, it's milk money compared to what we lost on all those promotional Striped Shirt sports drinks."
"Um, yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't around for the whole media blitz." I moved to a chair, and when no alarms went off, I sat. "So, how did all those articles I submitted go over? The internet service in Africa was kind spotty."
"None of them ran, schmuck." He noticed my shocked look. "Nobody wants to read your humorous observations about the genocide in Darfur!"
"It's tragedy plus time." I countered.
"It's only been three months, and fifty thousand people died!" Charlie barked.
"Well, I'll admit it was bit dry"" I watched Charlie put his left boot on his desk, indicating that he was prepared to vault it and throttle me if I didn't drop the subject. Not wanting to see him scratch the mahogany, I adopted a different tack. "So, none of my articles from the past four months went up? Not even "Fifty Dollars and Time Served'?"
"Which one was that?"
"It was my humorous re-imagining of the Saddam Hussein sentencing as if it had taken place on "Night Court." I grinned at the memory of this particular gem. "I mean, come on! The name John Larroquette alone is good for a few solid laughs."
Charlie was about to point out the shortcomings in another one of my offerings, when we heard the sounds of a violent struggle coming from behind a closed door in the corner.
"Isn't that your private washroom?" I asked.
Comedy Gold
"Yeah. What time is it, two-fifteen already?" He looked at his Rolex, then his Swatch, then his other Rolex.
"Dammit, these are all set to Munich time."
"It is two-fifteen." I was trying my best to ingratiate myself.
"Right. So unless I'm wrong-" He paused and raised an eyebrow.
"Impossible!" I exclaimed, never one to miss a cue.
"Then that noise would be a couple of the guys holding down Hagges and shaving his moustache."
"Thank goodness." I sighed. "That thing made him look like a rapist." I thought for a moment. "Say, that's weird, isn't it? The word "rapist?' It makes him sound like a skilled craftsman. I mean, you wouldn't call someone a "murderist'. Maybe there's an article in this..."
"What are you, Andy Rooney all of a sudden?" Charlie barked to be heard over the shouts in the next room. "We're the Phat Phree. We don't do folksy here."
"Since when is rape folksy?" I asked.
"Since I fucking decided it was!" He bellowed. I could tell he was about to lunge at me when suddenly the bathroom door burst opened, and Chortlin' Chad Zumock emerged, proudly holding a clump of hair in his fist like a Greek plumber.
"We got it, chairman." Chad said, glistening with pride and sweat. "He put up a Hell of a fight, but we-"
At this point, Chad's eyes finally came to rest on me. He paused for only a split second when his face turned the color of Optimus Prime's bicep and he leapt at me. I tell you, true believers, I've got to find a job that poses less frequent danger to my windpipe.
"Chad, I swear I didn't know she was your sister!" I croaked. He thrust me violently back in my seat and I gulped for air.
"Didn't know?!?" He shouted. "There's only eight people named Zumock in the whole Goddamned country! And six of us live in the same house! That didn't strike you as a coincidence?"
"I thought maybe she didn't spell it with the "C'. There's Amiots out there who only use one "T' and they're from a whole different part of Canada..."
"Charlie, get him out of here before I throw him through your nice window." Chad paced like a caged leopard, refusing to even address me any further.
"Dave, beat it." Charlie went to the sideboard and started packing a bowl to soothe Chad's nerves. "And don't come back until you've got something good."
"Sure thing, Captain." I said, backing towards the door. "Now you mention it, I was thinking about making a series out of that last article that I wrote comparing the quality of the food and service at the Dallas Fort Worth Fridays."
"A series?! Everyone hated that...are you retarded? Just go. And tell What's-her-name I said not to validate your parking."
So there you go, Phaithful Phriends, another thrilling glance behind the curtain of this dynamic digital daily. You won't believe what we've got up our collective sleeves for the next few weeks (and with it being so cold we're all wearing extra layers, which means even more sleeves than usual!). Excelsior!
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 2/20/2007 10:11:20 AM
this was great. i would have given it a five, but judging by your picture, i don't really believe that you had sex with a woman, so i gave you a four for being a liar. keep up the good work.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/20/2007 10:28:18 AM
I would like to see that article. It would probably be better than this article. Although this wasn't bad. I like the idea of Charlie DeMarco - evil dicktator.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 2/20/2007 10:47:19 AM
That article made me simpithize with the commentors that hate everything i have to say, but as sure as i am that you won't stop writing I too will continue to post on the comment board.
from that tgi fridays bullshit a couple weeks ago.
I was gonna give you 5, but i didn't feel the hatred from chad enough. And i don't buy it for a second that he wouldn't snap your neck in a split second. Though i'm pretty sure his sister might be a slut.
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