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Biggie's Vampire
Wahh! I'm a singer and I'm exhausted. I don't want to write any more songs. It's too hard. It takes too long. Writing songs blows. Hey, I know! I'll just take a beloved song that someone else wrote, one that has already proven it's marketability, and I'll regurgitate it after adding my own "flavor". This long, drawn out sax solo should improve on the original version considerably!
With few exceptions, cover songs are garbage produced by lazy, hacky performers who are simply phoning it in. We're certain that we're not reinventing the wheel here by discussing the worst cover songs of all time, but we're also positive that, as usual, ours is the definitive list that supersedes all others. We've included samples of these monstrosities for you to inflict upon your coworkers and cellmates, should you feel it necessary. Enjoy.
"Personal Jesus" Johnny Cash
There was a period there towards the end where legend Johnny Cash had lost the majority of his faculties and was at the complete mercy of the bloodsucking producers around him. They wanted to record as much of him as possible before he kicked it so they could cash in on people's perverted thirst for hearing his iconic voice cover a variety of well known, and usually inappropriate songs. Occasionally, it worked and it made for a good cut. This Depeche Mode cover in not such an instance. We're just lucky Cash died before some heartless bastard had his senile-ass covering "Genie in a Bottle".
"Can't Hurry Love" Phil Collins
Collins is responsible for some of the worst music of his era. His over-synthesized voice was blaring at us left and right throughout the mid-eighties. When he was done inflicting "Sussudio" and "Take a Look At Me Now" upon us, he grew tired of churning out original garbage and decided to start irrevocably damaging other people's work. The results were quite impressive. Phil's version of "A Groovy Kind of Love" would make Simon and Garfunkle turn over in their graves if they were dead, which they might be by the time this piece runs. And his rendition of "True Colors" probably seemed gaudy even to Cyndi Lauper. But it's this massacre of the Supremes hit that takes the cake as his largest affront to other people's music.
"(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" Britney Spears
The blame for this one doesn't go to Britney. She can't help how worthless and pointless she is. That's just the way her filthy, moronic, white trash parents made her. The culpability for this little gem rests solely on the fragile, liver-spotted, bird-like shoulders of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. They're the ones who gave her permission to sing this. One can only hope that they each received fabulous, pre-fat-and-bald-Britney-suck-jobs from the talentless train-wreck before granting her the right to annihilate their timeless anthem.
"Shaft" Sammy Davis Jr.
Finally! At long last, an answer to the age-old question: "How can you possibly take the 'cool' out of one of the baddest tunes ever written?" Move over Isaac Hayes! We're bringing in the Candy Man! Somehow, even though it's Sammy Davis singing it, this cover makes blacks hate white people. And we feel like we deserve it.
"Faith" Limp Bizkit
There is one good thing about Fred Durst doing wretched covers like this one and the nearly as bad "Behind Blue Eyes". And that's the fact that it means he's not poisoning the world with his new, original music. How can someone so monstrously misogynistic and homophobic cover a song written by a guy who wasn't even the manliest member of "Wham!"? In addition to making "Faith" unlistenable, he compromises the whole meaning of the song. How dare Durst "Scream Sing" the refrain when we all know that it was meant to be tenderly whisper-sung to Michael Ridgeley?
"Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay" Michael Bolton
Both of our moms are on our "Ultimate Eleven Shit List" for continuing to support Bolton's musical terrorism by buying albums such as "Soul Provider" and "Till The End Of Forever". If Otis Redding heard Michael Bolton's cover of this song, he would have steered that plane into that frozen lake himself.
"American Pie" Madonna
Fuck You Madonna.
"Something" Frank Sinatra
Franky manages to take one of the most beautiful love songs ever penned and cheese it up with his late-career-oily-lounge-singer-persona. He could not have missed the point more on this one, and it actually makes us believe that he was incapable of love. Biggest travesty: When Frank improvises and adds the word "Jack" into one of George Harrison's sacred lines.
"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" William Shatner
I really would love to give William Shatner credit and assume that he had some clue of how terribly hilarious his rendition of this song was, but the sad truth is, he didn't. And you Sci-Fi losers who will defend him and claim that he was aware of what he was doing are utterly wrong. He really believed that he was performing something wildly artistic, experimental and beautiful, and that's what makes this song as depressing as a small child's funeral.
"Crazy Train" Pat Boone
Not even "funny because it's so bad" funny. If Ozzie weren't so drug-addled and enfeebled, and actually had clue that this had happened, he most certainly would have literally bitten Pat Boone's head off.
Puff Daddy
While admittedly not technically a "song" by traditional definition, "Diddy" is our Number Eleven worst cover song ever because his entire career has been reliant upon thieving the work of others and manipulating it into a less appealing form. It's known as "Sampling" which is another way of saying, "I lack the talent, creativity and integrity to conceive my own music, so I'll just talk in a monotone voice on top of a bunch of Sting's stuff and start cashing checks." Enjoy this very brief compilation of Puff's finest musical larceny.
Honorable Mention
"Since I Don't Have You" Guns 'n Roses
It's our theory that the real reason G&R fell off the planet was a series of landmines in their career path in the form of cover songs. Starting with the laughable "Live and Let Die" in 1991 and ending with the abysmal "Since I Don't Have You" in 1993. What was once a classic Skyliner's song from the 50's some 35 years later ended up sounding like a cat being raped by a bulldog. But since it was on their last album "The Spaghetti Incident" No one ever heard it. This alone being the reason it didn't make the list.
"My Prerogative" Britney Spears
Britney could have easily been on this list twice but we realize that her agents probably bought the rights for this song off of Bobby Brown for 5 rocks and a fatty and that's just sad.
"Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" Paris Hilton
No Paris, we do not. But, for the record, neither was Rod Stewart when he sang it originally so you don't make the cut. Might we suggest that the two of you record this as a duet and, in the title, replace "Do ya" with "Please for the sake of my over inflated Ego...think I'm sexy... Pretty Please.... I'll blow you"
"Last Kiss" Pearl Jam
At least Stone Temple Pilots had the decency to self destruct and fade away Pearl Jam, on the other hand, resurfaced in 1999 with this hilarious remake. But in some kind of bizarro world, alternate universe thingy, not only did "Last Kiss" get substantial airplay; it was the biggest hit the band ever had reaching #2 nationwide. No Joke... Well yeah, it completely is but it's true. It didn't make the list because... well... we both still wear our Vitalogy t-shirts and pretend this song never existed. Let us never speak of it again.
"These Boots are Made for Walking" Jessica Simpson
Though technically a worse rendition, the original by Nancy Sinatra is so shitty that it couldn't possibly make this list. Lyrics: "You keep sameing when you ought to be changing". Frank was a legend but Nancy was the load he should have sprayed on his sock!
*****
We're certain that you agree with all of our selections and we consider this a closed issue. However, if you wish to mention any songs that you believe we have somehow overlooked, here's your chance. Rock on!
Posts: 55 Rank: 202 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 3/1/2007 5:42:32 AM
Atomic Kittens "The tide is high"? Blondie's version was a suckfest in it's own right, how did they think they were going to make it any better? UB40's "I'll be your baby tonight". Sure, I hate Dylan as much as the next guy, but this is pure evil. But the ultimate prize must go to Brian Adams and Mel C for "when you're gone". How the fuck is it possible to fuck up a cover of one of your own songs? What a retard.
Posts: 92 Rank: 3083 Joined:
1/3/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 3/1/2007 8:51:41 AM
Pat Boone should be shot for that. But Sammy Davis saying, "Dick" made me laugh histerically.
By the way, I love that there are no "punk covers" on here, because usually punk covers rock. We all know that punkers are just going to go out there and lambast a song no matter how they do it, and they end up turning this stuff into gold.
Personal favorites being Just like Heaven, by Goldfinger, originally by The Cure. And Candy by Slick Shoes, originally done by Mandy Moore. (sounds cheesy, but listen to it)
Posts: 18 Rank: 3086 Joined:
2/23/2007
Location:
20190, VA
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:41:56 AM
Bullshit.
Apparently Fraulein Fath doesn't understand the musical/comic genius that is Bill Shatner. For his further edification, I suggest he listen to The Bill's cover of "Common People" and "I Can't Get Behind That", which he recorded with Henry Rollins. Both are fucking hysterical. Get fucked, Fath.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:48:40 AM
I think Guns 'N Roses did a great job with "Live and Let Die" and I might even go so far as to say that it's better than the original.
Gwen Stefani doing "It's My Life" was pretty tragic too considering she didn't even change it at all, but this might be excluded from the list because it's inclusion on the list would mean we don't think that her solo career is a complete abortion.
I cant stand when bands decide that they are gonna slow down an old rap song and give it some punk or rock twist and think that shit is funny. Like that gay ass "Gin and Juice" remake. Shut the fuck up. And besides, its been done by everyone now. There is a local southern rock band around here that does "I like bigg butts". Give me a fuckin break.
Wow the Paris pic is awesome... but "part of me" is leaning towards the simpson pic.
Posts: 368 Rank: 26 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:59:56 AM
Indeed. Also, fuck Sheryl Crow for doign Sweet Child O' Mine.
Great piece. Intentional hypocracy? "We're certain that we're not reinventing the wheel here by discussing the worst cover songs of all time, but we're also positive that, as usual, ours is the definitive list that supersedes all others."
The worst cover has to go to Hillary Duff doing the Whos My generation. Honerable mention goes to Celine Dioni doing you shook me all night long.
the best cover goes to the Reggae album Dub Side of the Moon. Talking about getting your stone on, when you thought you had heard Floyd one too many times get into this shit.
Honerable mention goes to Phish doing Jin and Juice.
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"Personal Jesus" Johnny Cash
"Can't Hurry Love" Phil Collins
"(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" Britney Spears
"Shaft" Sammy Davis Jr.
"Faith" Limp Bizkit
"Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay" Michael Bolton
"American Pie" Madonna
"Something" Frank Sinatra
"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" William Shatner
"Crazy Train" Pat Boone
Puff Daddy
"Since I Don't Have You" Guns 'n Roses
"My Prerogative" Britney Spears
"Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" Paris Hilton
"Last Kiss" Pearl Jam
"These Boots are Made for Walking" Jessica Simpson
