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OK, I'll 'fess up: I'm not much of a "news" guy. If it doesn't have to do with Idol (c'mon, Blake!) or Paris (45 days?!? OMG!), I basically have no clue. Fortunately, with the news shows being what they are these days, I don't have to worry about it. But this Iraq War thing keeps sneaking in! It's everywhere! I just don't know what to make of it.
Fortunately, between watching lots of Lifetime movies (that Markie Post, what a dish!) and all this talk of "pulling out", I realized what the Iraq War was all about: we date raped Iraq. Granted, this is one of my most tortured and mixed metaphors, but if you follow along, it will all make sense.
Phase I - The Decision We have to admit, we were a little drunk - with power (the Afghanistan thing went so well!) and anger (still pissed about 9/11). I mean, she was totally asking for it (the whole U.N. disobeying stuff). We'd been out with her before (the first Gulf War), but we hadn't gotten "all the way". We'd heard she put out (all the intelligence reports about WMD), even if we couldn't totally trust the dudes who said so.
A bunch of our friends who'd been cool with us when we went out the first time (the Coalition of the Willing) weren't sure she really wanted it, but we knew. All our real friends (Cheney, Wolfowitz, etc.) knew she was totally gagging for it, so we decided to make our move.
Phase II - The Act We sent a friend over to talk to her, but she said "no" in that way that really meant "yes" (Hans Blix and the weapons inspections). We trapped her in the coat room, pushed her on the bed, and whipped it out (shock and awe). We knew that once we started, she'd love it (greeted as liberators).
Why, you little ingrate..
We got going, and it slipped in nice and easy (initial invasion). She seemed to be in denial about it even happening (the Iraqi information minister), but we definitely knew we were in, like throwing the proverbial hot dog (our far superior military) down a hallway (the alleged "elite" Republican Guard). We finished faster than we thought we would (the easy takeover of Baghdad), and sat down to have a cigarette ("Mission Accomplished").
Phase III - the Aftermath We stayed in and talked to her for a while (trying to get old Iraqi groups to run the government), to tell her it was what she really wanted. We kept trying to leave, but she kept calling. Then one day, she told us she was pregnant (insurgent groups), and her life would be shit without help (Shia vs. Sunni fighting). We were raised properly, and didn't want to just abandon her with the kid (withdrawing troops), even if we hated kids (anti-nation building stance). So we ended up moving in with her, even though we just stay in our room all the time (the Green Zone). Our asshole brother (the Democrats) says we should come home and help with our own family (spending Iraq funds on domestic spending), and even threatened to cut off the money we're using for her rent if we don't tell her we're going to move home in a couple months (timetable for withdrawal in the Iraq spending bill). Thing is, we can't do that because it's basically like telling the kid he's a retarded bastard (leaving Iraq to Civil War), even though our brother says its just helping the kid learn how to grow up on his own (let the Iraq police force and army handle it).
So that's where we stand now. This makes it so much more interesting to follow! Now, when what I used to call the "boring part" about the news is about to come on, I make some popcorn and settle in. Is this new guy she's dating (Nouri al-Maliki) going to help raise the kid, or just leave her in the lurch and go out drinking with his old friends (the Shia)? What about the asshole who has the crush on her (Moqtada Sadr)? Is he going to keep harassing her, or let her live in peace? And the neighbors (Iran, Syria, Al Quaeda)? What are they going to do? Suffice to say, I can't wait 'til the next episode!
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/11/2007 10:20:41 AM
I don't get the pic... Who is this kid? How is he able to give two birds? Don't they cut your fingers in third world countries if you are a little asshole?
Posts: 127 Rank: 47 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 5/11/2007 10:49:24 AM
But you could have gone with the rough but intriguing looking prostitute, that tied you up, wouldn't let you leave (won't form a reliable gov't), gave you a stubborn case of the clap (insurgents), then stole your credit cards (mounting war debt), and invited sadistic midgets (mullahs) in to throw tiny midget turds at various parts of your anatomy (IED's). She also took embarrassing pics to share with your friends (so long world wide respect).
But fuck it, our TV programming is the envy of the civilized the world (HBO).
way to stick to your metaphor and see it through till the end. While not funny enough to make me laugh audibly, I was amused and impressed by the logic.
You could have thrown in the fact that the guy who touble-teamed her with us and should share parental responsibility (Great Britain) has been slowly dropping off the radar, leaving the responsbility on us, and now has changed decided to stop letting it's dick do the thinking (Tony Blair "sacked"). Basically, not being friends with us anymore and thinking that we're a bad person and responsible for the whole thing.
I suggest we just rape that bitch in the ass till she screams, then roll out. (drop bombs all the fuck over, kill everyone that isn't happy to see us there, and bring the boys home).
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