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Sometimes the only thing harder (pun intended) than getting a boner is getting rid of one. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I woke up in the morning without a raging hard-on. I would immediately think that something was very wrong with me. Boners are part of the male morning ritual - without them our days don't get off to the right start.
The manual self-release of sexual frustration and tension is a major part of every man's life. If anyone qualifies to comment on the merits of masturbation is has to be yours truly. Statistically, the frequency with which you engage in an activity, the higher the chances are of getting caught. That's pretty much true for everything except "cleaning your rifle." Trust me, I've only been caught once and I've single-handedly (again pun intended) killed more sperm with my right hand than Ted Nugent has deer. A brief word about the time I was interrupted - never beat off if you're on the top bunk.
The best lay of your life is likely to be yourself, who else knows better what you like. Discovering your penis for the first time can be a beautiful thing. It usually involves your father's PLAYBOY collection. For me, it was the Vanna White issue. Anywho, here is a quick guide to creating a safe environment for you and your sexual imagination. Remember the safety benefits of masturbation will save you a lot headaches, like unplanned pregnancies and genital herpes. It's like prescription medicine, the benefits always outweigh the risk. Let's get started.
1. Lock the door. I can't stress the importance of this one. Barricading it with furniture will also give you a little more time to zip up in case someone picks the lock. No one wants to get caught dick in hand. Convention dictates that masturbation be performed in private, unless you're at a sex show in the Netherlands. A friend of mine at boarding school failed to enforce this rule and was caught twice in the same night by the same teacher. There was an abandoned dorm room on our hall deemed the "Jack Shack" because it was a known spot for such behavior. I'd be willing to bet he locks the door now.
2. Don't take too long. Get in there and get the job done. Bring an adequate amount of porn, maybe even dog-ear the pages you plan on using - they're going to be stuck together in a few minutes anyways. This brings up another point, and that is the hiding of porn. Porn is not to be hidden underneath mattresses or pillows, unless you want your mother of wife to find it. Hide it somewhere a woman will never look, like a baseball card collection or toolbox.
3. If you really don't want to get caught, the shower is an excellent locale for masturbating, unless you're at the YMCA. This one works well for married men. The downside here is that porn is not used. As you grow older and more experienced in the art of masturbating, you'll learn that a "vault" is created to store the images you'll need. Close your eyes and allow your imagination to perform its job. Just don't take too many showers, it will "arouse" suspicions.
4. With the advent of the internet and the filth that is available there, I'm sure more people are getting caught at the "Masturbation Station." Delete your browser history or store files under something labeled "Work" or "School Project." I can't stress this enough - only resort to this activity when you are home alone and not expecting anyone anytime soon. There are so many awesome options, it's probably going to take you a while to choose your adventure.
5. Always remember to remove the videotape or DVD from the VCR or DVD player. This has probably led to more awkward moments than dating a girl with a history with black guys.
6. Lastly, let's discuss lubrication. Everything runs better when properly oiled, that's why the phrase "well oiled machine" also applies to your penis. When you're with a woman, lubricant, hopefully, is produced naturally. When you're all alone and it's just you and your tallywacker, often times, incentive is needed when making love to yourself - choose wisely.
Recommended: Vaseline and regular lotions.
Not Recommended: Preparation H, Aloe, sandpaper, and Quaker State.
By the way, don't stash your lube with your porn. That's like leaving the murder weapon at the scene of the crime.
You're going to get a lot of HOFNARS over the years (that's 'hard-on for no apparent reason' for the laymen.) It's OK to ignore some of them, since you're not going to get as much pussy as you want, but be careful when you sneak off to "feed your pigeons." Being fully devoted to your own pleasures is nothing to be ashamed of - it's the American way.
In summation gentlemen, keep your troublemakers in your pants until you're in a safe atmosphere. Look for windows of opportunity, like when no one's home. And finally, lock the goddamn door. Go ahead, touch yourself already - you deserve it.
Solid (pun intended) article, but not a stroke (pun intended) of genius.
Morning all, Forbes ranked the NFL franchise values today. Where is your squad on the list?
Hi Frank, happy 9/11. Never forget, these colors don't run, etc.
Favorite line: "feed your pigeons" is that original or did I miss something?
Skol Vikings! Let's win this game Skol Vikings! Honor your name Go get that first down Then get a touchdown Rock 'em, sock 'em, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! FIGHT! Go Vikings, run out the score, you'll hear us yell for more! V-I-K-I-N-G-S Skol Vikings, let's go!
Posts: 1799 Rank: 12 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/11/2008 8:59:06 AM
In 1999, Craig became sharply critical of U.S. President Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Speaking on NBC's Meet The Press, Craig told Tim Russert: "The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy - a naughty boy. I’m going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy.”
Do you have a wide stance when jerking off with 3 other men?
Frank, congrats on a post without a pic. Oh, it just quoted another website. Fuck it.
I heard the Stones are playing at ground zero today, hope they don't lead off with "Shattered".
Roy Halladay and Dan Haren: What the fuck? Are you going to blow this shit for me at the goalline? I'm about to win this absurd fantasy baseball league filled with nerdy nips and you do that? If I lose you're both dead. Fuck!
Anyone else remember "We're gonna smoke 'em out of their caves!"
The NFL is the richest sports league in the world, with the average team worth some $957 million. And the Dallas Cowboys, the most valuable team in the NFL, are now the single most valuable sports franchise on the planet, worth $1.5 billion.
"When I die, I may not go to heaven I don't know if they let cowboys in If they don't, just let me go to Texas Texas is as close as I've been When I die, I may not go to heaven I don't know if they let cowboys in If they don't, just let me go to Texas Texas is as close as I've been."
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