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You know what pisses me off?
1) On an 'up' elevator, someone that gets in and presses a floor lower than mine: I shouldn't necessarily be angry with you. Afterall, the elevator is public property but after I hold the door open for you in the lobby, there is just something about the sight of you pressing a floor lower than mine and then not even looking at me to acknowledge the fact that you got in the elevator after me and are now getting to where you are going before me. I don't like you and the fact that you work on a floor below me means that you are not as cool as me. Stop getting in the way of my day. Stop sucking. And if you were to hit "2", I'll fucking kill you.
2) Someone that presses the 'close doors' button as soon as I walk out of the elevator: My feet have barely broken the vertical plane of being out of the elevator, and I hear you sigh and feverishly press the 'close doors' button because you were angry that the elevator had to stop on the way to your floor. It makes me want to turn around and punch you in the face.
3) Someone that gets up and leaves the stall next to mine at the same time as me, even after I initiated the wiping process first, post shit: Ok, seriously fellas. I don't want to wipe and start reassembling my clothes only to hear you flush and end up walking out of the stalls at the same time I do! That's like knowingly walking out of your peep show booth at the same time I walk out of mine. Now we have to wash our hands and look at each other in the mirror doing that awkward tightening of the upper and lower lips as if to say, "Howdy". I'd rather not put a face to the sound next time.
3A) As far as you ladies, these rules might not apply. God knows what you do and what you are at ease with behind bathroom doors when you so secretly go into them together. For all I know, you only have one stall and routinely find yourselves on each others naked laps making out and embarking on a urine waterfall over each of your bodies. Who knows?
4) People that think that washing their hands after pooping is necessary: I am only washing in the first place since you don't know stall departure etiquette and are standing next to me washing yours at the same time. If you think that washing your hands IS necessary, then that means that you already have poop on your belt, pant button and zipper, so what's the point? I only wash my hands if I wipe my ass...with my hand.
5) The Button Fly: What fucking retard designed this? I have shit on my hands, people! Buttons on a shirt? Fine. The pants? Absurd.
6) The voice mail/email combo: There is no need to email me and then call me and leave me a voice mail on the same issue. That's the idea of an email! I will let you know WHEN I CAN. And now I can't do it as soon as I could have because I had to check your stupid voice mail. Why email me if you are going to call me 2 seconds later? I bet if you were giving me a blow job you would ask me how good it was while I was still cumming.
7) When people in other cubicles comment on the phone conversation I just had: "Hey, I heard you on the phone just now. It's weird you had problems with that. You might want to try calling Mike. He might be able to help you on that issue." I know the open office plan is created for intermingling and I know my voice carries like a crow's but it doesn't give you the right to comment on my every conversation like you were watching me on closed circuit TV outside of my interrogation cell.
8) People that whistle made up tunes: That's not even a known song. You are only whistling because you are a social retard and have no idea what to do with moments that should be silent. You are also the same guy who, when someone asks you a question, and you have to look something up on your computer, you fill the silent void by mumbling something like, "DOOT doo doooooooo. DOOT doo dooooooo."
9) Weathermen who stand in the middle of a fucking hurricane and get absolutely blasted by wind and rain and then proceed to scream into their microphones indecipherably, about how windy it is: I never understood this phenomenon. You do not need to stand in the middle of a hurricane with your face peeled back by a white squall to convey to us that the wind is causing fits. The oak tree behind you, whose trunk is horizontal, is enough proof. Now get inside.
10) People that call salads "salads", without ever putting cheese on them: This really doesn't need any more explanation.
It's science
11) Guys that buy random girls drinks as a first move: Fellas, your involvement in this forever embedded example of social inanity is what leads to certain women taking half of your money before you knew it, the term 'gold digger' to be commonplace, and television stations being able to fund TV shows called, "The Real Housewives of...anywhere". Start a conversation next time. You'll see. The moneygrubbers will be bored with you, and walk away. Your 401k is safe. Problem solved.
12) People that play paddy cake volleyball: Ohhh, this single handedly has made me almost poke out my own eyeballs with Q-Tips. Don't invite me to play volleyball with your obviously useless friends who do nothing but open handed, UNDER handed scoops that flutter over the net on one hit. This is illegal and infuriating and I can't believe you are all enjoying yourselves. It would be as if I asked you to come play basketball with me and my friends and all we did was never dribble the ball once, and run into each other time and time again when we weren't wildly firing the ball off the backboard with no apparent purpose. It's not fun.
13) Psychics: If they could read the future, wouldn't they NOT be broke flipping playing cards over? Seriously, you always find psychics in some seedy ass hole-in-the-wall place in the middle of nowhere living off bacon bits and dog snacks. Could they not see this coming? I don't get it.
14) The person that just shook my hand because I can't remember their name: How am I that forgettable that as soon as you utter your name, I have no idea what you just said? You annoy me because you always remember my horribly difficult name and I am forced to call you "buddy", "chief", "bro", "tiger", "dog", "ace", "homey", "man", "dude" or "dirty little cock sucker" for far too long or until I can eventually call over someone whose name I know just so they can introduce themselves to you.
15) "Flip" in Brickbreaker: Nothing gets under the skin more than when a "flip" comes rolling down the screen. Essentially a death warrant, you avoid it like the plague knowing that if you get it, your paddle controlling skills mimic the brain of someone with Alzheimer's. In a moment of weakness you decide that the 100 points is worth it. After all, there are only a few bricks left. Much to your chagrin, your paddle ends up aimlessly moving in directions unaligned to your wishes, causing instant loss of life.
16) Any guy that reads a book like "Eat, Pray, Love" in public: Come on bro! "A Million Little Pieces"...MAYYYYYYBE. "Eat. Pray. Love."? Unforgivable. We all "read" socially relevant books and face the front cover towards chicks so that they can be impressed with our cultural prowess in the hopes of having sexual relations with them but this is sinking to an unimaginable low.
17) Murses Men, we all have to carry bags. Some of us carry messenger bags over one shoulder; some of us carry backpacks over two. Heck, some of us even hold briefcases by the handle. However, if a carrying device has two handles, you are NOT allowed to put your arm THROUGH both handles past your palm. Doing so makes your bag a man purse, or, murse. Regardless of what your reason was for carrying it on your shoulder like that, everyone that walks by you thinks that you have a case of gay.
18) That guy on the airplane that uses my seat when he walks by like Dr. House uses his cane: When you leverage your whole weight on my seat and then let go, I am horrifically sling-shot in a dead sleep into the seat in front of me. I hate you for this.
19) People that insist on having what I'm having at a restaurant: No. I don't want to tell you what I'm having, because I found it myself. You have the same textbook to study in front of you. You have the same answers that I have. Work it out yourself. There's nothing worse than finding the gem on the menu and then telling someone what I'm having only for them to reply with, "Yum! That sounds great. I think I'll have that too!" You lazy, thieving, son of a bitch.
20) People that insist on trying a bite of my dish at a restaurant and then offering me a bite of their sub par decision: I know my meal tastes amazing. I'm a genius. And no, I don't want a bite of yours. I already ordered what I wanted. If I wanted a bite of yours, I would have ordered that. Now I have less of the dish I ordered because you clearly fucked up.
The laziest meal is now even lazier
21) The average American mind-set: On average, we're fat, unhealthy, uninteresting, and shallow. We are more interested in Paris's pussy than the sometimes, pussies in Paris. We are so lazy that we sell peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. We are a society that made Tori Spelling's book the #1 selling book on the New York Times List. We are a country who has installed policies against their own citizens mimicking the Spanish Inquisition, and we're cool with it. We are a country that has 2 years of presidential campaigning on 24/7 news networks and yet, not even 50% of us vote. We are an ethnocentric band of half-wits who actually think there is always shit and germs on our hands. Because of that, we are getting sicker and sicker and our kids are bigger pussies than ever.
Then again, we live in a country where I wouldn't get shot for saying any of this. (Well, by most of you at least.)
22) People who complain all the time about what inconsequential things bother them and then put them in list form for us to read, as if anyone gives a shit...
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/1/2008 1:27:26 PM
It wasn't all gold, but it made for a quick read. What can I say, I like lists.
I did think he was going to start swinging at Toque though with the 'murse' heading. I thought to myself "oh shit, watch the shit fly from this!".
Favorite was #20. I have a friend that takes bites of your food without even asking. We were at breakfast this weekend, The Smash orders a hot cocoa (as she is known to do) and as this girl is passing it over she takes a swipe of the whipped cream off the top. Are you kidding me?! I shoot a look at my buddy and he just shakes his head. She does this shit all the time. This is the same girl that, when you order a milkshake asks if she can have the 'extra' that comes in the metal cup. Bitch! That is part of the shake I ordered. It's not like the waitress brought me some extra because she thinks I'm cute. I paid for that. She also wrote me an $8 check to cover the pizza and beer we got at the cabin. Lame.
1. The "Local Woman" on the news who says that the Tornado sounded just like a freight train coming right for her. Really Sadie? When was the last time that a freight train was actually coming right at you? Thought so.
2. Having to say "Biggie" to get a large at Wendys. Look I know I'll never undestand the sizing at Starbucks, but Wendy's should be a little simpler.
3. Putting 100 calories on the side of a bag of chips, then telling me it's per serving, and that the bag contains 4 servings. No it does not. It contains one.
4. The woman in line in front of me at the conveinence store at high noon contemplating which selection of lottery tickets will be her winning combo. Honey, all I want is this Diet Coke. Can you plan your betting strategy before you get to the front of the line please.
5. People with pictures of their wives and children on their desks at work. What is the problem? Would you forget that you had them otherwise? At the end of the day would you say "Well 5 o'clock. Time for another evening of drinking and hookers.... wait a minute, what's this picture.... shit...I have a family, damn. Guess I'll go home.
6. People who say "We" when talking about their favorite team. (Double this hatred if they are wearing a team jersey or jacket when this happens)
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/1/2008 1:48:45 PM
I wouldn't throw her under the buss like that. But if you happened to go to my improv group's website (www.ultimateimprov.com) and just happened to scroll down towards the bottom, you might see her.
I'm trying to be nice today, so I'll say nothing about this article.
dc, unreal about the Adam Hats tower. I'm beyond impressed, come to Dallas and work in our research department. I will throw in a topless pic of 19. You in?
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is out on dvd. Highly recommend it, that lead dude kills. He is like a tall Lampson. Cadillac, there's a sitcom idea for you. No excuses. Mila Kunis-bag of fuck.
We do this every year, but I LOVE it so indulge me, been a tough week. What is your Halloween costume and what is your idea for other board members costumes?
Got a call from friend still at my place. He asked how did I get up and shower to go to work? You know why motherfucker? This is America! You fucking work! Forward not backward! This land is your land! Vertigo 08! Lets fucking go America, we're the best fucking country in the world, no excuses.
Posts: 5386 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 10/1/2008 1:54:08 PM
How can you be friends with her? she is an awful human being. no no no, she's actually like an animal. 8 dollar check?? who even writes checks anymore? I hate her so much.
Bassam, this was really awesome. thank you. I'm with Danny, I love lists of hate and this was a really good one.
Side note: someone (lavar) recently pointed out to me that black people, especially black women always say, "have a goot one". I never noticed this before. However, I have been hearing it every single day now and I laugh more and more each time. but it's making me want to start saying "goot" instead of good as my own private joke, but no one will get it and think I'm dumb.
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