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AUSTIN, TX (TPP) -- Officials are confirming late-breaking news reports that the state of Texas was messed with over the weekend, and all signs point towards Oklahoma as the prime suspect in the incident.
Just how exactly Texas was "messed with" is unclear at this point, but eyewitness reports on the ground state that the inhabitants of Texas have been sluggish and non-responsive to exterior stimulus since at least Sunday afternoon. Dr. Phil has opened up his work schedule to allow for state-wide counseling, and President Bush turned his attention away from the economy to address the issue.
"Texas has been messed with, despite our best efforts to inform other states that they shouldn't," the president said on Sunday. "The evil-doers responsible will be brought to justice, I assure you of that. When you mess with Texas, you mess with America."
Other states that share a border with Texas are on notice that they, too, could be messed with, in a manner similar to Texas. New Mexico is already on high alert, while Louisiana has closed the borders it shares with Texas, Arkansas, and the mythical land of Narnia.
Authorities have not addressed allegations that Oklahoma is to blame for the assault on Texas, but surveillance of the border between the two increased almost immediately after the incident of "messing with." The long dispute over the Panhandle Area is blamed for exacerbating existing tensions between the two, as Oklahoma has often claimed Laredo as an "outpost of the Greater Oklahoman Empire." Texas has responded in the past with mass round-ups of Oklahomans living in Texas and deporting them across the border via a swift roundhouse kick from Walker, Texas Ranger.
"What we're faced with here," University of Texas professor Richard Manning (an expert on the hostile Texan-Oklahoman situation) says, "is the possibility of even more escalated messing with. There's even the danger that suicide messers-with could cross the border and mess with Texas at sporting events, church gatherings, political rallies, rodeos--all the things that make Texas happy, all these things could be used as cover for incidents of widespread terror."
An uneasy truce had existed between Oklahoma and Texas since 1992, when Jimmy Johnson brokered a peace treaty between the two territories and united them in support of the Dallas Cowboys. But the fortunes of the two states have diverged lately, with Oklahoma becoming more and more poverty-stricken while Texas has been blessed with the grace of Jesus. Oklahomans, who worship a pagan idol named "Oral Roberts," are reluctant to admit the right of Texas to exist on the map, so claims one extremist pro-Texan website.
"It's going to be a cold day in hell, or San Antonio, before Texas and Oklahoma can peacefully coexist," one anonymous source said, before offering this ray of hope: "Of course, if we can tag-team on kicking the shit out of Arkansas, all might be forgiven. Nobody likes Arkansas."
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/13/2008 12:52:05 PM
No one cares about those states but people from there. Now California! There's a state that the entire nation watches, even if it is just to see people's coozes as they get out of cars. We're #1! We're #1!
For those of you that care, I made it through the first round of that elimination show I'm doing. I killed in fact, one of the best nights I've had in a while. I'd tell you all about it but I've found improve doesn't translate well to transcript form.
Vert - You bet on the over on points, right?
TPPFFL - My team has officially crapped out. Toque started a QB that didn't even play, and I still need a big game from Plax tonight to win. Stay down, me.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 10/13/2008 1:01:13 PM
Liked the closer with the Arkansas comment. Hey vert, Brad Johnson has won a playoff game beofre at least and he's got a ring! Stay down, Romo (and Raiders - fuck!). How will W be received when he comes back home in January? Do they hate him there too?
DLamp, can you go through what you were thinking when Manny came out swinging and most likely dropping some "pinche" bombs during the almost fight last night? If I were a Dodgers fan I would have been having a heart attack.
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 10/13/2008 1:26:38 PM
Man that would be a great sitcom...
Spart - you just discovered hulu? Way to be in the loop, old man.
Balls - All I really thought was this is just another reason on my list of why we should NOT sign him after this year. You want to run in from LF to involve yourself in something you had nothing to do with? Shut up, idiot! You're just trying to look like a team player so people will throw even more money at you next year. I knew he wouldn't do anything to get himself suspended or anything, but I did worry about a fluke knee injury or something. Isn't that right, Milton Bradley?
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 10/13/2008 1:35:05 PM
I'd like post #9 stricken from the record.
DLamp, agreed that was manic behavior, but aren't there a dozen other good reasons to keep him, like say I dont know, that fact that you're even in the freaking playoffs to begin with?
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