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Snap to, you fucking inbred degenerate mongoloids. Summer is fast approaching, so get a shovel. It’s time to sift through some more shit before we get to the real big budget turds that Hollywood wants you to see. This week on the calendar is typically reserved for pre sweeps reruns and dog shit movies that aren’t good enough to be summer tentpoles. It reminds me of June ‘67 just four clicks inside of the Cambodian border. All I wanted was to be in the shit shooting my gun or back at the camp smoking reefer, but instead we waited for days before anything happened. So while we’re all sitting around waiting for the real Hollywood to materialize, I bring to you this weeks installment of “Things I Was Forced To See And Hear For This Job So You Stupid Fucks Will Know What You’re Wasting Money On”, AKA “the fucking reviews”.
Classic Phat Phree Rating Scale Circa 1997
PPPPP - Quentin / Beasties good! PPPP - Really Phat PPP - Phat PP - Not So Phat P - Sucks Much Ass p - the ½ p for a little extra phatness
MOVIES: XXX: State Of The Union PP
Staring Mark Vincent (AKA Vin Diesel). Oh wait, no. Starring O'SHea Jackson (AKA Ice Cube)? You mean the guy from Barbershop and Friday? Well he is a nigga with attitude and he did do that Ghosts Of Mars movie which certainly qualifies him to star in a franchise action series right? According to his illustrious rap career he is also quite adept at handling firearms as well. And since Mark Vincent thought his career would be better served as the Nanny or whatever that piece of shit movie was, we get Ice Cube as the American 007. Now back to reality. You do not hold a gun sideways when people are trying to kill you. You do not bust witty one-liners while throwing a grenade. You do not jump a boat onto a bridge in the middle of rush hour. I love gangsta rap and guns as much as the next guy, but Ice Cube should keep his acting in the world of cutting heads and out of the realm of top secret action hero. "It's snakes out dare dis big?" Big surprise they passed on Cube for Anaconda 2.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy PPPp
I can’t say that I read a whole lot of books, which is why you rarely see books reviewed here, but this is a book I have read. When we were waiting for the greenlight to storm the hill in Grenada my buddy Shrapnel gave this book so I would stop sifting through his collection of Barely Legal. I still don’t know what happened in chapter 10 since I tore out a few pages to wipe my ass, but I’m sure it was just as entertaining as the rest. Basically, Earth is scheduled for demolition, gets destroyed, and sends Arthur Dent off on a series of cosmic misadventures. It’s some silly shit for the most part, especially since it was written by some limey named Douglas Adams who died in Santa Barbara a few years ago. They held me for questioning for a few days, but the M.E. determined it was a heart attack so they let me go. By the way this movie is a remake of the TV show that was a remake of the video game that was a remake of the original movie that was an adaptation of the book, and it’s pretty darn close to the original, except with better special effects.
Jiminy Glick in Lalawood P
One has to question if Martin Short is the sole reason for the state of sketch comedy on television these days. His annoying characters almost single handedly brought SNL and SCTV to their respective knees. If you happen to be one of the ten people that saw Martin Short’s TV show then you might actually have seen him do this awful movie reviewer character before. You may also want to consider carefully slicing your own wrist open before I hunt you down and kill you for watching that garbage. This movie is the worst piece of shit I’ve seen since well, House of D, that I reviewed last week. Martin Short once said he would never do a movie based on one of his sketch characters. That was a good day. Today, however is a very bad day.
DVD: Blade: Trinity PPP
Right off the bat this movie gets two P’s for Jessica Biel. She is hotter than AK47 shells sticking to your skin. I would do her in positions unfit for a Matt Zane movie. I’m also a big fan of that Van Wilder kid. He steels scene after scene in this movie. Too bad he sucked hairy donkey dick in Amityville Horror. Wrestling’s HHH and indie queen Parker Posey are pretty entertaining as well, though I wouldn’t fuck her with Rosie O'Donnell’s dick. That only leaves one thing that really sucks about the final installment of this vampire-hunting trilogy, Wesley “I Beat On Halle Berry” Snipes. He is awful. I’m beginning to think it was Woody Harrelson that was holding Money Train together. In spite of his multiple black belts his action sequences suck more than his acting. I can only hope that if this series continues that Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel will be the stars instead.
MUSIC: Bruce Springsteen Devils & Dust PP
What happened? Has the boss run out of things to say? Maybe untucking his shirt from his all too tight high water jeans would produce more modern results. Nothing is more American than the boss, but Springsteen is just trotting out his same old act with different words for his 50th forgettable album of the decade. Does anyone get the feeling Springsteen's career without Born in the USA would have ended with him hosting a show on drive time radio in New Jersey? I bet Michael Stanley thinks about that everyday. Funny that all he does anymore is bitch about Rebulicans, when Ronald Regan's use of his trite poor folk's anthem was the best thing that ever happened to him and his checkbook.
Nine Inch Nails With Teeth PPP
It’s loud, and it’s heavy. So I guess it’s good. It reminds me of basic training for medics. They break a calf’s neck with a sledgehammer and then drop you in the middle of nowhere. You have to keep the calf alive for three days by coddling it and treating it anyway you can. On day three your C.O. shows up and kills the calf if you managed to keep it alive and everyone eats like kings. This reminds me of NIN for several reasons. First of all listening to this record is hard but satisfying work that will ultimately leave you feeling unsatisfied with life but somehow fulfilled. Second because this goofy bastard whines more than a dying calf. One day this guy is gonna wake up happy, but it certainly wasn’t when he wrote this album. And lastly because 35% of the medics I know end up scrumping the calf which always reminds me of that fuck you like an animal song.
Nichole Richie is thin now, but still ugly. Paris is also gross.
Gary
Swimmers?
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Posted: 5/6/2005 2:51:09 PM
I am going to start using "Mannually Eject My Swimmers" instead of "jerking off" from now on.
Paulo
Nichole
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Posted: 5/6/2005 3:31:30 PM
Dude have you seen Nichole Richie since the nose job! She is pretty damn hot now. I prefer to have my swimmers asked to leave the pool by the sexy lifeguard.
Xeng
Korean War
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Posted: 5/6/2005 4:14:26 PM
You are right, Koreans are very good at communicating. The first English word my dad learned when he opened his store was Coca Cola. So even though you are accurate you are still a fucking racist!
Don
Racist? How you Figure?
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Posted: 5/6/2005 6:15:30 PM
ra cist - A Person with the belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
Pretty big leap to make Xeng... Especially considering that this is a COMEDY SITE! And I thought Asians were supposed to be smart...
Xeng
Don Was?
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Posted: 5/6/2005 9:02:57 PM
I'm not that smart but I am good at math. I did think the joke was funny, but just a little off color (pun intended).
NWALover
Sweetness
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Posted: 5/6/2005 9:48:05 PM
I read the reviews everyweek now. Probably my favorite thing on the site. Do you guys put them up every friday? The picture of Ice Cube last week was awesome. This week you got a lot of great boob shots. That'll definitely keep me coming back. Can't wait to read the next batch.
Editor
Every Week
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Posted: 5/6/2005 11:04:58 PM
NWALover: I'll try to jump on and respond before Napalm shows up and tells you to fuck off or something Yes we post the reviews every Friday. And thank you for visiting.
Napalm
Brattattaattttataattaa
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Posted: 5/7/2005 1:41:10 PM
NWALover, you stupid monkey shit fucker! You come to the site every goddam week and you still haven't realized that I write a column every friday? How 'bout this. I will come to your fucking house next week and personally cram a copy of my reviews in your fucking pie hole so you know what's going on. Oh, and, thanks for reading. I truly love my fans, when I don't have to kill them.
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The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
Bruce Springsteen
On day three your C.O. shows up and kills the calf if you managed to keep it alive and everyone eats like kings. This reminds me of NIN for several reasons. First of all listening to this record is hard but satisfying work that will ultimately leave you feeling unsatisfied with life but somehow fulfilled. Second because this goofy bastard whines more than a dying calf. One day this guy is gonna wake up happy, but it certainly wasn’t when he wrote this album. And lastly because 35% of the medics I know end up scrumping the calf which always reminds me of that fuck you like an animal song.
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