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Pals?
Teenage brothers Nick and Justin Slogar of North Royalton recently announced that they no longer accept the claim that their Uncle Matt’s omnipresent friend Steven is merely his roommate.
“I have to admit, I did buy into the whole “friend” thing for a while, 14 year old Nick revealed, “I mean when you’re a kid, you don’t question that kind of shit. But I’m at the point now where it’s like, all right, let’s all just drop the act and accept that Uncle Matt’s a pole-smoker.”
Slogar’s uncle, personal trainer Matthew Klein, has been sharing a condominium with “friend” Steven Bragalone for over five years. Bragalone, a manager of the Great Northern Mall “Structure” store, has attended nearly every Slogar family function held over the past five years including holidays, funerals, and graduations.
“Steven’s a nice enough dude”, said 13 year old Justin, “He always gets me something for my birthday, which is pretty cool of him. But it’s always something weird and kind of fruity. Last year he got me a globe.”
Clue # 1
The brothers first became suspicious of their Uncle’s sexuality in July of 2004 when the entire family went on vacation to Myrtle Beach. Steven accompanied them on the trip. Nick recalled the events vividly: “Steven and Uncle Matt shared a hide-a-bed in the basement of the beach house we rented, even though there was a perfectly good sofa bed in the living room. That’s when we were like, whoa...who sleeps with another dude if you have the option not too? I guess that’s what really sealed the deal for us and proved that Uncle Matt was as queer as a dog sweater.”
It seems that the only family member who has not come to terms with Klein’s blatant lifestyle choice is his sister, Nick’s mother Joan.
“I think it’s nice that Matt has a roommate”, the delusional Joan said, “I just wish he’d find a nice girl and settle down. He’s going to make a great catch for someone because he’s a wonderful cook and he’s very artistic.” she cluelessly continued. “I can only imagine what that apartment of theirs’ is like on the weekends with those two swinging bachelors cavorting around. If those walls could talk!”
“Mom’s still in denial”, Justin said, “It’s kind of sad, because none of us could give less of a shit that Uncle Matt digs cock, but I guess she’s got some issues with it.”
“I don’t know what more evidence she needs”, added Nick, “I mean, last year they sent out Christmas cards with a picture of the two of them barefoot next to the fireplace. It’s just time to deal with the fact that Uncle Matt likes the hog. And if that’s his thing, more power to him.”
I say, leave people in their comfort zone. She know's and she's not able to talk about it without blushing like a school girl.
The time's, they are a changing...
Ben
This shit cracked me up
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Posted: 5/20/2005 8:14:44 AM
"...as queer as a dog sweater." This is probably one of the funniest lines I have ever heard.
mallrat
high school cheerleader
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Posted: 5/20/2005 8:33:44 AM
Like when the hell was this written? The Great Northern Structure has been, like totally closed, for like 5 yrs.
Rickman
perfect
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Posted: 5/20/2005 8:58:52 AM
This was right on man
Terry Puhl's Ghost
Onion article
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Posted: 5/20/2005 11:30:20 AM
This falls along the same lines as my favorite Onion article of all time "Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated"
Jack
Fruity presents
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Posted: 5/20/2005 1:06:18 PM
a globe...hilarious
Ted
Ha
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Posted: 5/20/2005 1:15:55 PM
Good work. Love the analogies and the use of the "Structure" store...
Brenda Della Casa
I want a globe!
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Posted: 5/20/2005 1:19:18 PM
Gee, all my gay Uncle ever got me was a Jeannie Bottle :(
Chuck G.
Nice.
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Posted: 5/20/2005 4:15:52 PM
I'm lovin' it Polk. This is my favorite thing on here in a long time. I sent this to my gay uncle and he loved it.
Beetle
Structure??
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Posted: 5/20/2005 4:18:22 PM
Structure doesn't exist anymore. They were bought out by Express which soon after brought Express for Men to the world. How I know this, I have no idea. *Ding* Whoop...my casserol is ready (skips away merrily).
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