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One of the greatest moments in sports history
Man, this game is boring. I’m fucking hammered and I still can’t enjoy this. There is nothing worse than a 6-1 game in the sixth inning. Nothing. We did the wave already and that sucked. They already showed the bloopers between innings. There’s nothing left to do. Shit, I should just run onto the field.
Wait, that’s it! I should do that. Why not? I have always gotten a kick out of seeing it happen in the past. It’s the best. The ultimate game of cat and mouse. An undermatched, inebriated fan against fired-up security guards who have just been waiting for someone to test them. Today I will be that someone!
So that’s it - I’m going to do it. I have no idea what I’ll do when I get out there, but I’ll improvise. Maybe I’ll slide into second, or third even. Yeah, head first into third just like Pete Rose! I’m going to be a hero. People will be talking about this for years to come. I’ll show my dad that I am somebody and I can achieve!
Sure, the security guards will come after me, but I can duck ‘em for a while. If I make it long enough I may even land a spot on the blooper reel. Hell yeah! Some of those guys are pretty big though. Good thing I’ve had sixteen beers to numb the inevitable pain of being tackled by five gigantic men.
The fans need this, because this game sucks so bad. I am fully aware that the announcers will refer to me as “some idiot” for running on the field, but I’m not trying to impress them. This is for the fans- for the city! I will have 50,000 strong rooting me on. Fathers and sons will be united in my cause. I am going to be an inspiration!
You think you can keep me off this field?
Okay, let me think. Do I need my shirt when I do this? Not really. Pants? Possibly, but wouldn’t I have a better chance of being remembered if I’m only wearing my chones? I think so! Then it is settled. Just me and my skivvies. I wish I had thought of this sooner. I could have tattooed “goldenpalace.com” on my chest and made some cash to help post bail. Oh well, can’t live in the past – gotta be in the moment. It’s zero-hour, go time!
Here we go, I’m over the railing. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. What am I doing? Fuck, here they come. Already? God dammit, I’ll never make it to third. I’m in no man’s land. Hey, is that an umpire? It is! He sucks! Fans hate umpires. I hate umpires. I am going to tackle that umpire.
Whoa, that’s one big-ass security guard. Gotta change plans, cutback right. Yes! My first ditch. I can hear the fans. I can hear them cheer! Okay, where to now? Whoop, I better duck! Missed me! Ha! I’m like Barry fucking Sanders. Can’t catch me, no way. No one can catch me, no one can…
Hey, these things happen
Aw fuck, I’m down. Hey, don’t hog tie me, you assholes. I was only giving the people what they want. Ouch, my arm! Fucking pricks. Not so tight! Damn. Did I make it fifteen seconds? Ahh, get that nightstick off my neck. What are you…
Where the hell am I? Did I pass out? I must have. Wait a second. Oh man, this is it! The stadium holding cell. Nice. I always knew I could make it here.
I wonder if the news is waiting outside to interview me. They probably are. I can’t wait. I’m going to be famous. This is the smartest thing I have ever done. Everything went perfect. I just wish I had managed to tackle that umpire. But that’s okay, I’ll get his ass next time!
I would love to see something like this live...It's just not as good on the TV, and they usually pan away anyways and cut to facial expressions of effing Joe Buck or something...
Good work..."Barry Fucking Sanders."
kid
kid
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Posted: 6/17/2005 11:00:03 AM
Wow! That was a really well written article... for a 3rd grader. What a chump.
NLH
F U KID
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Posted: 6/17/2005 11:37:58 AM
Fuck you KID, this was some funny shit. It's a humor site not fucking reader's digest you douche-bag. Good article Scott, I laughed my ass off.
Terry Puhl's Ghost
Super Bowl 38 in Houston
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Posted: 6/17/2005 12:21:20 PM
I was there and the goldenpalace.com streaker was a MUCH bigger deal to those in attendance than the Janet Jackson thing. He danced a little jig, was clocked by one of the Panthers special teams and was physically carried off the field by six HPD. Standing O and cheers from the crowd.
Of course, they wouldn't show it on TV, so all his efforts were for naught, and all anyone could talk about was a breast exposed for 0.3 seconds.
Great article.
Lame
Boring
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Posted: 6/17/2005 2:09:37 PM
Just another useless rant. It had potential, but ended up in the crapper.
Jus
Stadium
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Posted: 6/17/2005 4:17:22 PM
This is the kind of stuff that keeps me attending live events of all kinds. I love that these guys truly believe they are going to actually get away at some point. Like they're just gonna climb the green monster and run out of the park or something.
i heart pizza
White Sox-4-Life
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Posted: 6/17/2005 4:29:42 PM
All you Larry's from Ohio love tooting your own horn about the grit of your fans/teams, but none will compare in shear trash/drunkiness/criminality as do White Sox fans. In one season, the "Pride of the South Side" Comisky Park was the site for two on-field assualts...one upon an umpire and the other upon the visiting team's 1st base coach. Get bent!
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