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Posted: 7/17/2005
It�s Top 50 time again! That�s right, it�s the second week of the month already, and goddamn, do we have treat for you.
Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren�t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an �I�m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin� niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch� kind of beating. We are talking about the kind o...
And for the love of all that’s holy, please stop playing “Hey Jude.” Someone needs to beat this guy with his new wife’s wooden leg.
I probably should feel bad about laughing my ass off at that. But I don't.
Great read, folks.
Liz
borderline obnoxious but amusing
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Post #: 52
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Posted: 7/18/2005 8:52:18 PM
Esther is Madonna's real name, so she hasnt really changed it :)
Hey Henry, Hey Henry
Needs a beatin'
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Post #: 53
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Posted: 7/18/2005 9:28:45 PM
Jerrod from the Subway commercials needs a beating so so bad...
gtiller
Some more
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Post #: 54
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Posted: 7/18/2005 9:35:39 PM
Ben Fucking Stiller- He is the most talentless, unfunny, multimillionaire in hollywood. Dodgeball was not funny at all. Meet the Parents/Fockers was so terrible, Robert Deniro should be ashamed he would even touch pieces of shit like that. We'll forgive him since he was in Casino, Godfather 2, and Raging Bull, along with other great flicks such as Goodfellas and the Untouchables. God Ben Stiller makes my fucking head hurt thinking about how terrible he is. He should have to be in a cage match with a hungry Mike Tyson.
Agree with George Bush. A man so stupid he has to go by his middle initial because he can't remember his own name.
Bible beaters in general. I live in the south and they drive me up the fucking wall. Some advise for people not living in the south... while traveling in the south, especially Tennessee, the Carolinas, Georgia, and Alabama, when someone asks you if you are saved, the answer, no matter what religion you are, is always yes. You don't want to have to listen to someone hound you about going to hell for the next hour or two.
What about Rush Linbaugh and that fucking bow tie wearing motherfucker?
Rocksteady
Actually...
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Post #: 55
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Posted: 7/18/2005 10:12:38 PM
Liz: Madonna's real name is Madonna, not Esther. So she does, in fact, deserve a beating.
dave
bitches
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Post #: 56
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Posted: 7/18/2005 11:11:26 PM
NBA groupies
kel
You forgot one....
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Post #: 57
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Posted: 7/18/2005 11:14:35 PM
I love this article. I agree with all of it EXCEPT for the fact that Gloria Allred was not mentioned. This woman is the equivelent of the devil to me and deserves to be beaten like the woman she professes to protect. As a woman I am offended by her mere presence on tv. She does nothing for female liberation, but give it a bad name. Her voice is like nails on a chalk board and if i see her in the street I worry that my vagina will hiss like a cat about to attack just from the anger she instills in me as a woman.
Bollo
JUDY MCGRATH
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Post #: 58
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Posted: 7/19/2005 1:42:55 AM
No, it's not the woman who spawned that Sugar Ray jackass, but the CEO of MTV. I blame her for killing the feed on the Pink Floyd reunion, but it goes farther than that. MTV has become one of the most worthless channels on television, and whoever was in charge when the percentage of "shows",( a term I use loosely on that pathetic network), became greater than the actual music played on there, well, they could lift my nuts in an outward position while I deficated last night's buffet of Jim Beam and beef jerky on their smug, unintelligible, sell-out mugs. But I'm not bitter. Where's JJ Jackson when you need him to kick Sway's ass?
Joe
How could you forget Jared?
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Post #: 59
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Posted: 7/19/2005 8:19:05 AM
This no talent shithead got famous for losing weight. That's it. He didn't cure cancer. He doesn't even have enough talent to be an actor.
His only talent was knowing how to stuff his face until he became grotesquely obese. Then he started paying $30 a day to eat overpriced Subway subs that didn't even have enough nourishment in them to keep him massive.
He was so proud of himself that he wrote a fucking letter to pat himself on the back and just like that, his ship came in!
Now the guy has been Subway's spokeman for 10 fucking years, and the only thing he did to deserve all of this was... EAT!
Great fucking role model, that Jared.
deuce
agree w/ bor
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Post #: 60
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Posted: 7/19/2005 8:42:08 AM
"d"- explode into a thousand pieces.
Tom
Where is Nancy Grace?
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Post #: 61
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Posted: 7/19/2005 10:14:44 AM
To watch her is to hate her. And unfortunately, like a train wreck from which you cannot turn your gaze, her's is the most addictive of all the cable "news" shows. Her guilty until proven dead attitude is reminiscent of days gone by, particularly the days of the French Revolution, the Spanish Inquisition, and Oliver Cromwell. This former prosecutor turned hack needs to be beaten every time she prevents a guest from finishing a thought; a task which will no doubt require a small army.
Andy
JOHN BASEDOW
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Post #: 62
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Posted: 7/19/2005 10:37:45 AM
The dude is a creapy freak!
mr hoorock
gloria allred
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Post #: 63
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Posted: 7/19/2005 11:27:35 AM
Gloria Allred needs so much more than a beating, she deserves her own list. Anyone remember that surveillance video of that lady walking in front of the train? Yeah, if I could somehow develop super human powers and switch her with Gloria Allred, I'd watch that video every night before I went to sleep. I would sleep like a baby. Absent from this list? O. J.
Poed
GERALDO
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Post #: 64
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Posted: 7/19/2005 11:41:56 AM
Don't forget about Geraldo Rivera. Jeez what a jerkoff! Or is he ineligible because he is already in the Hall of Fame.
Talk about a parody of oneself. Remember his special, when he found an empty milk carton that Al Capone may have used? Or in Iraq when he was telling the FoxNews viewers the US Army's next move with a sand diagram? Wow, what a significant journalist.
Oh and last week he was covering a hurricane in Florida and describing it as if the Berlin Wall was coming down.
I guess he doesnt make the list because he is in the Tom Cruise pantheon.
Nanci
more people that need a beating
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Post #: 65
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Posted: 7/19/2005 11:58:14 AM
Uh, you forgot Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Their self love alone entitles them to a severe beating, not to mention their imagined sense of entitlement to fame for having exactly no talent, no brains, and for being fucking butt ugly. Britney has the worst sense of style on the planet, not to mention that she is a fat fucking cow and the most immature/lame reality show personality in history - thinking that it's real cool to brag to the world that you just had sex three times with a guy you just met 5 days ago. Paris has a droopy nose, fake hair, and no boobs - not to mention the lamest most pretentious personality - that is so not hot - you fucking bitch. The only talent that exists in her is that she knows how to pose for a camera. Give her a fucking cookie. So, she grew up with girls who were daughters of famous rock stars, which made her extrememly jealous, cuz she wanted to be famous too. But since she's dumber than dirt, she decided all she could do was get drunk, make a complete ass of herself, and embarass her family by putting out a sex video. And don't tell me she didn't plant that - because that Carls Jr. ad is so modest. Fucking dumb slut.
Anna
Unngh.
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Post #: 66
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Posted: 7/19/2005 12:08:47 PM
Steve. Fucking. Irwin. I'm embarrassed that I even know the crocodile hunter's name. What a douchebag. It's fascinating.
ethan
bennifer
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Post #: 67
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Posted: 7/19/2005 12:23:47 PM
I can't believe you left off my numero uno, all-time, hands down, no-holds barred nemisis, ben affleck. i felt for sure that when i struggled through some of the questionables in the top 10 that it would be justified by seeing his lube free assraping of a name right there at number 1, but sadly i was let down as he didn't even make the top 50. His only decent role ever was the one that catapulted him to superstardom, where he his stupid ass failed his senior year twice in order to keep dishing out beatings to long haired, pot-smoking 8th graders. Even in this, his only well played role ever, you still wanted to beat his ass within an inch of his worthless life. i swear to god, if i have to hear one more time how annie duke taught him every thing he knows about poker, i might kill my long lost sister who i permanently removed from my list of hot famous people with my last name (list of one) for allowing him to develop a sequel to the worst media induced frenzy since brad and jen. you know what i'm talking about. bennifers 1 and 2. i feel much better now.
Chuck
AMEN.......
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Post #: 68
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Posted: 7/19/2005 12:32:05 PM
.... on #11. Couldn't have said it better myself!!
smackdown hotel
too bad the list
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Post #: 69
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Posted: 7/19/2005 1:00:39 PM
couldn't be accompanied by the "people who need to be purged from the planet list"-that would eliminate much of the confusion. example:
affleck (thanks for that rant ethan) brittney/paris fred durst, nevermind he just needs a severe beating oj simpson geraldo rush limbaugh
all these people deserve to be completely rubbed out, and therefore do not qualify for this list.
Lyndsay
if you say Britney, then...
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Post #: 70
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Posted: 7/19/2005 1:14:28 PM
that fucking hillbilly she's married to, Kevin Federline. He deserves a beating for so many reasons: for uglifying Britney and then knocking her up, for knocking up his ex and then leaving her with 2 kids, and have you seen him on the show? He can only speak in grunts and monosyllables. please somebody beat this douchebag and then strangle him with his do-rag!
Sully
JARED!!!
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Post #: 71
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Posted: 7/19/2005 1:32:03 PM
How the hell did Jared, that once morbidly obese no one, miss not only the list, but the top ten. His only claim to fame is he some how lost 300 or so pounds eating ONLY Subway. No diet pills, no exercise, no other foods. Just Subway's really shitty subs? "I was once a fat fuck, but thanks to the miracle diet of Subway I can now be on TV to share my wonderful story with a nation of fat fucks." And now he is milking this to the point of absurdity. His latest polution to the television's already littered airwaves is held as a congessional hearing, if you have yet to have to the utter privelege of viewing this debacle. Every time I hear that voice, that name, and see that face I just want to reach into the TV pull him out and give him a severe and malicious beating. I have placed a lifetime ban on Subway from my "fast" food dining future experience list. And in a similar fashion to Napoleon Dynamite's "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt, I have started to mass produce an "I Hate Jared" line of comfortable yet stylish T's.
....man I just want to punch Jared in the face and rob his old wardrobe providing enough fabric to cloth every third world nation twice over.
And yes I agree with placing John Blasedow on the list as well. Or at least his hair piece.
CDOC
Janeane Garofalo
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Post #: 72
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Posted: 7/19/2005 1:37:06 PM
Please can we all collectively pimp smack this broad back to the days when she was chubby, cynical, and funny? She used to rag of what she called "skinny girls" and now she has become one! And like Sean Penn, when the fuck did she graduate with a degree in Foreign Affairs and Journalism? She rants on and on about her mindless liberal agenda and has become Dennis Miller's half retarted, protein depraved, boney assed, closet lesbian, worthy of the most ruthless Tyson ear bite and baby devouring, asshole of a daughter! Fuck you Janeane and that shitty movie with Uma about animals my girlfriend made me watch!
Mark
Forgotten Beatings
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Post #: 73
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Posted: 7/19/2005 1:47:15 PM
1 - whoever fucked with that hot high school chick in aruba. 2 - jared fuckin fogle. dude, you were a fat loser, now you're a loser. chubway does NOT help people lose wait you ass. and your commercials are pretty bland and basic, so how do you make them suck so bad. 3 - MOST IMPORTANT AND OBVIOUS BEAT-DOWN FORGOTTEN, AND I THINK WE"LL ALL AGREE: ryan seacrest. i can't even begin or end talking shit about this douche bag. however, if i ever see him in real life, i will surely offer the beat-down he deserves.
also - cops in small towns. pussies, all of em. stop giving me and my parents speeding tickets.
p.s. good call on jimmy fallon.
Jim
Die Christians Die
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Post #: 74
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Posted: 7/19/2005 2:03:47 PM
Ok some one touched on this briefly but I can't believe YOU ALL miss Jerry fucking Falwell and his Christian Coalition.... these fuck tard who take the bible as fact and all that other rightwing christian bullshit need to get beaten by a homosexuals penis. i cant express how violent i get inside when these god fearing asswipes say that jesus told them that it is ok to kill the a-rabs.... that is all
Hugh Jass
OK now you're just HATIN!
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Post #: 75
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Posted: 7/19/2005 2:42:28 PM
If obnixiousness X media exposure is what makes a person worthy of a beating.....................this list is entirely pointless without Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan
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