Many readers of The Phat Phree have written in to see who we think the top candidates are to replace Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court. OK, actually, many readers have written in wondering when we’re going to run another piece on vaginas. But we think you all need some learnin’, so as a public service, we have compiled a list of some of the top potential replacements to serve on the nation’s top court.
Judge Judy Profile: Judge Judith Sheindlin retired as an active “real” judge in 1996 to host the syndicated TV show that bears her name. Her career began in family court in 1972, prosecuting juvenile delinquency cases for the state of New York, after which she rose to the level of Judge.
Pros: “Tough on Everyone” stance will make her popular with conservatives. Has extensive experience in education (see: “School teachers battle over the cost of musical tracks for a children’s CD”) and prisoner’s rights (see: “A woman stands by her man while he’s in jail, but ends up fighting with him over money once he’s free”) cases.
Cons: Caustic personality may make it tough to get her through confirmation. Recent ratings have been slipping, possibly indicating general displeasure with her judicial ideology. Occasionally sprays like a cat when angered.
Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis Profile: Served as judge in an Illinois federal district court from 1905-1922. Made several important business judgments, but is most well known for being baseball’s first commissioner, shepherding baseball through the 1919 “Black Sox” scandal.
Pros: Definitive steps taken in “Black Sox” scandal, immediately barring 8 members of the team judged to have taken bribes to throw the World Series, are appealing. Very cool name. Personality, defined as “harsh and narrow-minded,” holds special appeal to Vice-President Cheney.
Cons: Since most major cases he decided were overturned by the Supreme Court, he may have a chip on his shoulder. Civil rights record is spotty, as he is largely blamed for perpetuating the color line in baseball. Dead since 1944.
Simon Cowell Profile: Worked his way up from mailroom clerk for EMI Music to become a BMG Records A&R Executive. Has served as a judge for the TV shows “Pop Idol” and “American Idol,” where he became famous for his caustic remarks.
Pros: No-holds barred opinions may be popular in current divisive political environment. May be first judge to tell Ruth Bader Ginsburg that she’s a talentless loser who might as well go back to clerking.
Cons: Unleashed Kelly Clarkson and Ruben Studdard on the world. Sexual preference may lead to shaded judgments on gay marriage question. Is not an American citizen.
Marie-Reine Le Gougne Profile: French figure skating judge who was convicted of trading her vote in the 2002 Olympics.
Pros: Willingness to sell her vote ensures she will be accepted in Washington. Sexy accent.
Cons: French.
Judge Reinhold Profile: Actor has starred in such films as Stripes and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Pros: Training means he can act interested through long discussions of boring legal topics. Has learned how to say “Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!” correctly.
DEAR PA, Posted: 7/11/2005by: STEVE You can either: A) Blow me B) Suck a fart out of my asshole C) Stop reading my comments
Sorry about "how shitty you already look" too by the way. You low self esteem loser. Go get some acne medicine, a nosejob, and put away that fuckin dungeons and dragons game for 2 goddamn minutes. Please Leave me, Steve Posted: 7/11/2005by: Pennsylvania Steve, This is Pennsylvania. Rumor has it you are making me look even shittier then I already do. Can you either A) Move B) Cut your hands off so you can't type.
Thanks, PA
HAHA Posted: 7/11/2005by: STEVE Yo Bri, That was fuckin hysterical brotha. Keep em' rollin! A Quote Posted: 7/11/2005by: bryan "Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch." -STEVE's Boss Good stuff Posted: 7/11/2005by: To: Mike Mck Love, LOVE the double entendre of Mike Mck's:
"I would definitely let her take me into her chamber and drop her gavel on me anyday. All rise..."
Judge Judy
Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis
Simon Cowell
Marie-Reine Le Gougne 
Judge Reinhold
