"Don't be that guy." Jeremy Pivens' "Droz" offered this advice to a befuddled Gutter (Jon Favreau) in the comedy classic "PCU", when Gutter was going to a show wearing the playing band's t-shirt. Whether or not you agree that the t-shirt is a massive error in judgment, the fact is, it's the least of your worries at a concert. Seeing That Guy attired in the band's t-shirt may cause a snicker, but other behaviors can damn near ruin your concert-going experience. In order to help you not be THAT Guy (or Girl), I offer the following Rules of Concert Attendance:
Don't Be a Floor Weasel If the floor space is general admission, people will gladly wait in line to guarantee themselves a good spot. People skip work and abandon families to make sure they're close enough to the stage for their Rock God to sweat on them. Other folks, they don't. Most of these people know they have sacrificed the best location in order to live a normal life and get to the show closer to starting time. Then there's the floor weasels. These little punks, often skinny little girls, try to duck under elbows, around hips, and between legs to slide ever closer to the stage. Suck it up, buttercup. You got here late, youve gotta jump to see over the people in front. If you dont accept this, and try to sneak up, youre sentencing yourself to an evening of bruised ribs and bloody noses. Consider yourself warned.
Pick a Spot and Stay There You've arrived early. You've waited in line. You've gotten yourself a primo space right next to the speakers. You'd better fucking stay there. Everybodys allowed a couple bathroom breaks before the show starts, and one (repeat, ONE) during the show, but that's it. No leaving every three minutes to say hi to someone else. No "stretching your legs." An achy back and sore calves are part and parcel of having a sweet section of floor, and if you can't handle it, go sit in the lobby with the wusses.
Respect the Space The flip side of the above rule is that if someone does leave their space temporarily (following the rules above, of course), said space is reserved for a reasonable amount of time. Take the time to learn the faces of those leaving, so you know who is coming back, and who's a floor weasel. Protect that person's space, and don't be the dick who takes the opportunity to slide forward. When they're coming back, let them in unharmed. This responsibility is, of course, shared: if you leave, hurry your sweet little ass back, or you'll be relegated to rodent status and treated appropriately.
Bitch, out my spot!
Mosh Within the Limits The mosh pit has grown unorganically over the last decade to the point where I've heard of people moshing at Yanni concerts. (I wasn't there, my mom told me, I swear.) Regardless, there's still definitely a place for moshing at many shows. The key to a good pit is understanding what moshing is, and what it isn't. Moshing was borne of your natural tendency to jump up and down at high energy music. Hundreds of people, pushed together, jumping and bumping, BAM! The pit was born, a swirling, jostling organism of fun. Unfortunately, the two extremes of the pit were soon abused.
On one side you have the Red Bull-fueled Muscleheads, who are determined to show how cool they are by running into people as hard as they can, clotheslining innocent victims, and generally bringing a British soccer riot into a concert. Moshpits can be rough, but they're not about being rough. If you wanna wrestle, throw your mattress out in the backyard like the rest of your Springer buddies.
The flip side of these douches are the wimps who can't handle a pit at all. They go in with unfastened glasses and no balance. Every four seconds their specs are flying off, or they're being trampled underfoot, and someone has to try and save their little asses. Of course, as soon as they're up, they're back out there, annoying the hell out of everybody and generally destroying the rhythm. If you can't hack it, stay out, or the third time you fall you lose all rights to protection from getting trampled.
Let go, Tom A!
(In a similar vein, but not deserving their own rule, are girls who crowd surf and are shocked, SHOCKED, when they get groped. It happens. If you don't want parts grabbed, don't put on Daisy Dukes and a tube top and invite hundreds of testosterone pumped guys to put their hands on you. Is it fair? No. Is it life? Yes. Anyway, half the time its just someone passing you along and your tits or ass are inevitably grabbed. Don't flatter yourself.)
No Screaming Song Names Before a show, a band puts together a set-list, determining what songs they want to play. This can take hours as they try to craft a show, setting up the ebb and flow, the energy of the evening. Alternately, they get fucked up all day, then throw some songs onto the piece of paper at their feet so they remember where they are and what they're doing there. Either way, there's a reason for the set list. No matter how many times you yell out your favorite song, they aren't suddenly going to look at each other and say "Hey, remember Crab Cakes? We should play that here!" Besides, we all know you're just yelling out the hidden track from their second EP to show that you've heard it. Nobody cares, nobody's impressed, you're an ass.
No Cell Phones As soon as the lights go down for the show, your cell phone should stay in your pocket or purse. Nobody can hear you blabbing about how great your seats are, except the people next to you who are actually trying to *gasp* listen to the music. Even worse, certainly nobody back on the home front can actually hear the band when you hold your phone up. If Billy couldn't afford the ticket, Billy doesn't get to hear the band, and that's all there is to that. Put your damn arm down before somebody breaks it.
copy Posted: 9/9/2006by: tbag Didn't i see this article once before? You shouldn't get inspiration for your article from an article that is already on this site. praise hail satan! Posted: 8/31/2006by: R I'll keep this in mind when I go to LOUDPARK 06 FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! www.loudpark.com I'm going and you're not. Yes, Indeed You Will Posted: 8/30/2006by: Charlie Sheen Pick up some orange sherbet push-ups on the way home, too. And a large funnel. Sorry Lover Posted: 8/30/2006by: Christine I will never shame you again in public. I should have been more specific with my correction. Looks like I'm going to pay for it tonight.
oh darn. Substitute Which for What? Posted: 8/30/2006by: Charlie Sheen "shoes" for "shows" or "shows" for "shoes"?
Whatever.
Anyway, you better get on home and substitue your empty cooch for one full of my love muscle. And spam. Also Posted: 8/30/2006by: Christine Please substitute shoes (in my previous post) for shows.
I just got a new credit card!! and well, you know.... Rookie? Posted: 8/30/2006by: Christine Please elaborate. Mr. Hagges has written several articles. I think he's even an editor. And if you mean rookie in the sense that he hasn't seen many shoes....well then you're dead wrong. He's obviously been to a great deal of concerts if he was able to make this completely perfect list.
I don't see your list anywhere. Does anybody see schnitengiggle's list??? show of hands?
so there! Or, as Most anyone else would conclude... Posted: 8/30/2006by: That Guy You're an asshole who does a bunch of ass-holy things. Weak Article Rookie Posted: 8/30/2006by: Schnitzengiggle Bad. You're telling me you don't cut through crowds to get a better view? C'mon! There is nothing wrong with this, it's what you're supposed to do. Pick a spot and stay there???....Double lame! So people around me will save my spot when I go to the bathroom?? Yeah right, I believe that. Finally, moshing is moshing. Like anyone in the pit can control the movement. In conclusion, there is not much truth to any of this article.
haggis - if it's not Scottish, it's crap. . Posted: 8/30/2006by: Chuck Meh, yours is still funnier Hagges.
