After another Saturday night freezing my tits off in line outside some velvet-roped house of douchery, after waiting forty minutes just to be allowed to pay a twenty dollar cover that entitled me to pay $9 for an Amstel Light, and after three hours of listening to the same two electronic drumbeats repeated 78,000 times, Im taking a stand against one of the most wretched social activities on earth: dancing.
Now, of course I dont mean ALL types of dancing. Some forms of dance actually serve legitimate social functions and should therefore be allowed to continue. For example, tribal rain dances. If the all-mighty Cho-koo-tik-e-tan will only open up the heavens and nourish the maize if everyone in the village sings his praises while joining hands and moving around in three concentric circles on the first night of the full moon, far be it from me to start some shit. Muhfuckas gotta eat.
And of course I dont mean exotic dancing, because lappies at the strippy also serve a legitimate purpose, namely, providing Amber with the necessary funds to complete her chemical engineering degree at Cal Tech.
But what I do mean is meatheads and skanks swinging their hips and biting their lips while Chers computer-aided voice drones on at an unnecessarily high volume. I mean thumpin bass, bumpin beats, and simulated sex acts (emphasis on simulated). I mean throwing your arms way up in the air and waving them around like youre a finalist in the Queef of the Year contest.
Look, I understand that at one time dancing served a purpose. Back in the 40s and 50s, when pre-marital sex wasnt socially acceptable, cheek-to-cheek dry humping to the sounds of Glen Miller at a USO dance was about as good as it got. You had to be satisfied gyrating to In the Mood and Blue Moon and necking in the back seat of your dads DeSoto because odds were that you werent going to be able to close the deal. Back then, those precious moments on the dance floor served an important purpose: supplying guys with enough mental images to get the job done during alone time (Dont forget, this was before the Holy Trinity of American letters Hefner, Guccione, and Flynt appeared on the scene).
But since the sexual revolution, dancing has ceased to perform any worthwhile function. Society has evolved to the point where we freely acknowledge that dudes want to bang chicks, chicks want to bang dudes, some dudes want to bang other dudes, some chicks want to bang other chicks (although Im not sure if they actually call that banging), and everybody wants to skull-fuck Raymond for making a bone-crushingly terrible sitcom that seems to get shown on every cross-country flight I'm on.
Weve discarded the antiquated notion that sex is only for married people (indeed, weve recognized that sex and marriage have little, if anything, to do with each other), and we all agree that the only reason for going out is to try and get laid. So why the fuck are we wasting time on an activity whose sole purpose was to serve as the next best thing to the real thing? Weve got cars now, people so can we please ditch the horse and buggy once and for all?
See what I mean.
Just think how much better life would be without dancing. The obscene amounts of money that people spend on wedding bands could be diverted to better food and more booze. Proms could be cancelled altogether and high school kids could proceed directly to the weeklong sex-and-drug romps at the Jersey Shore. And those cavernous dance clubs could be used for activities that serve some kind of societal purpose like world championship wiffle ball tournaments or pornography swap meets.
The only people who would be negatively affected by the elimination of dancing are techno musicians and DJs. And while Im sure some of them would grow despondent and take their rage out on society, if all we have to fear is the violent vengeance of Moby and that DJ Jazzy Jew who was banging Nicole Richie (very gently, I assume), Im confident that humanity will survive.
Whats holding us back from achieving this dance-free utopia? In a word, women.
For some reason, women actually seem to enjoy dancing. I have no idea why, but my best guess is that they think that dancing disguises the fact that most of them have nothing to say. I suppose theyre afraid that they cant charm us with their witty repartee and therefore think that they have to entice us with their ability to shake their heads and shoulders back and forth while singing along to that fucking Beyonce song.
Well, ladies, let me clear a couple things up for you right now. First, we KNOW you have nothing to say. Second, we still want to bang you anyway. If we make eye contact with you and dont immediately put our hands over our mouths to hold in the vomit, were into you, okay? No further enticement is necessary.
Please. Lou-weez.
And unfortunately, the female affinity for dancing is enabled by horny guys who, despite knowing deep in their hearts that dancing is both idiotic and thoroughly gay, still lack the will power to just say No. You know who you are. To you, my brothers, I say this: the next time Madonnas latest piece of auditory feces comes on the sound system and some girl starts tugging at your wrist and begging you to join her as she hits the floor and starts flopping around like a retard who just heard the chimes of an ice cream truck, tell her that if thats what it takes to get some, then goddamn it, youre going home alone and making it a Skin-e-max night!
Now, Im not saying dancing should be outlawed. Thatll just make people want to do it more. (Weve all seen Footloose). Im just saying that the efficiency of male-female interactions, and, by extension, the overall happiness of mankind (or at least me), will be increased exponentially if we stop wasting time with this hopelessly outmoded vestige of a less-enlightened era and go straight to the fuckin.
Spot On Posted: 1/9/2006by: Samuel By god man, I'm with you all the way. No Dice Posted: 12/22/2005by: FLB3 This makes so much god damn sense it'll never adopted. MEN: Stick to your guns. DO NOT DANCE. Yes Posted: 12/18/2005by: Engine Loved it, dancing sucks. If only we could get swinger sex parties to replace shitty dance clubs. Make DJs work for a living...douche bags public Bukake surprise attack Posted: 12/18/2005by: bukake-bandit I can think of one really really good reason for dance clubs to exist. Have you ever seen a girl just trying waaaaaay too hard out on the dance floor to be "cute" and "sexy" by gyrating like some sort of Parkensen's patient with a cheshire smile plastered on to her over-tanned, -over-made-up face; and then some asshole springs out from the shadows (that's me) to de-pants her or publicly and yet discretely squirt his man-goo across her unsuspecting face? Priceless. That right there is just good clean family fun, it is! They should give me a medal for sure! I feel like like a cross between Batman and Larry Flynt. She goes home crying, but that's okay, for she acquires through the experience something that they don't teach in school--PERSPECTIVE. Suddenly, she goes to a shrink and then a support group and feels something that she doesn't at her frat parties--EMPOWERMENT. And, yes sirrey Bob, so is born a better person. Not like all of these little sluts whose biggest role model is Bratney Smears! Naaa--when I do my art, an INDIVIDUAL is born. Yeah, she may be scarred for life, and there are a few that kind of go all Sinead O'Connor, but that is all in calculated losses in what I do for society! That's all I got to say. Just trying to make life a little better for us all. One load at a time! Happy Kwanzaa to all! I think... Posted: 12/18/2005by: . Guys who dance are gay, whether they know it or not. DJ AM? Posted: 12/14/2005by: TRAVOLTA REVOLTA Since were on the topic of dancing, who the F@@K is DJ AM? and how did he acquire "fame" as a DJ? oh, by banging a scarecrow of a Nicole (i'm not related really, but i want a job singing) Richie? Try this song on for size..."HELLO, IS IT ME YOU'RE HOSING FOR?" DJ A.M....nice... We live in a world where some really ugly ass douche bag is a DJ, and he gets engaged to an ugly ass adopted girl, who used to hang out with a person famous for being famous (alright, getting pounded on tape was cool, but her lack of game took her right off the "visual" list for the evening jag) and this dude will now probably show up either banging Mariah Carey, or marrying JLo...as Dave M says "one sweet world" DJ AM? Posted: 12/14/2005by: TRAVOLTA REVOLTA ok, since we're on the topic of dancing..WHO the F@@%K Albanian Guy Posted: 12/14/2005by: Bosco No, not yet, I get stage fright, but I do write jokes for Carrot Top. But like you, I feel free to express myself on annonymous comment board. See in this world I am a funny great dancer who has ladies that love him. As in your world you are some tuffy bastard who thinks a few random shots at random people makes you likeable. So I guess after we log off you will return to your studio apartment and beatoff to the site of a girl doing your laundry form your bedroom/kitchen/bathroom window. Me, I'll just go home and beat off. Hey.... Posted: 12/14/2005by: albanian guy You are not funny. Do you do stand up? God you are not funny. Ladies and I losse the term lossely Posted: 12/14/2005by: Bosco You can't handle me!! The only lip biting going on is by you cock hungry cows wanting a puppet show with my wang.
