Living in Oklahoma, you eventually heard the stories. But these were just tales used to scare children. Weren’t they? This grotesque misuse of the culinary arts was something that you heard about in the dark alleys that the good folk just didn’t venture down. But who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men? Hardee’s knows.
Sometime between the Dust Bowl and the present, Hardee’s disappeared in Oklahoma. No one really knows how or why. Some say they were destroyed by a giant meteor. Others say they up and vanished like the Aztecs, leaving only remnants of their advanced civilization for future generations to find and wonder upon. Still, some old-timers will tell you it was neither of those, that they simply became Carl’s Jrs. Whatever the reason, the fact remains they no longer dot the landscape in Oklahoma.
Eventually, though, something began to spark the memory of days gone by. At first it was cryptic black and white messages on the television. “The last place shall become the first”. (paraphrasing of course) Images of scantily-clad women riding livestock were beamed into our homes. Long-buried thoughts began to surface. Did Hardee’s still exist? Long had it been associated with Atlantis or Dry Land in the Sooner state. Perhaps it was not a myth. But if Hardee’s were real, then that meant something even more horrifying.
Two one-third pound hamburger patties. Six strips of bacon. Three slices of cheese. With mayonnaise. On a bun. The Hardee’s Monster Thickburger. It’s rumored that just holding one raises your cholesterol by 50 points. The Surgeon General requires a warning on it for people with heart trouble, the elderly, or those that may be pregnant or nursing. It’s the third-leading cause of death in males between 18 and 34. Any registered dietician worth his salt will tell you it’s suicide trying to consume one of these. Congress tried to outlaw it only to be paid off by beef industry lobbyists, as every time a Monster Thickburger is ordered it increases the price of beef by five cents. With the possibility of a trophy this large, a hunt had to be undertaken.
To the north, in Kansas, folks said Hardee’s still existed- not surprising in a state filled with giant feed lots where they threw parades for the cattlemen. Along the turnpike running through the middle of the Sunflower state there used to be Hardee’s, but on those hallowed grounds now only a McDonald’s or the torn down husk of a former Hardee’s can be found. Travel to the farthest point northeast, however, right before you run into Missouri, and you will find it. There, inside the 435 loop in Johnson County, off of Metcalf and 103rd, that’s where you will find the beast.
Some people talk about being “in the zone”. The feeling that comes over you as you walk into Hardee’s is more than that. It’s an eerie calm that washes over you. After filling out your living will and stepping through the door you realize this is the point of no return, and you are at ease with that fact. Everyone there is going about their lives as if this is an ordinary day. Some folks are there to enjoy a quick meal; the staff is there just trying to make a quick buck. Then the words that will change their lives forever: “A MONSTER THICKBURGER, please.” A hush falls over the restaurant. In the back you hear a baby cry. “And a medium Coke.” The poor small-town gal living out her big town dreams counters, with tears in her eyes and a trembling voice, “If you get the combo you get fries also for the same price.” A worthy attempt at distracting you from the task at hand with the hopes that if you eat the fries you will not have the physical ability to attempt an entire Monster Thickburger. But you’ll have none of that. This is a day history is made.
As you sit down to the Monster Thickburger, you get that thought in the back of your head, “Am I insane?” That’s doubt, fucking with you. Fuck doubt. Doubt never helps; it only hurts. You push that thought aside. Now it’s just you against the burger. But let’s not forget, two one third pound patties, six strips of bacon, and three slices of cheese. With mayo. On a bun. This is no ordinary burger. They say the road to heaven takes going through hell. You realize that the opposite must be true also, as with every intensely pleasurable bite you come closer to the edge of hell and the next one may put you over it. You amaze yourself at how much your body is able to adapt to this gluttonous disregard for your own safety. You think of all the other attempts man makes at such summits. Everest. For pussies. The 50-year storm. People died, Bodie. The crispy bacon, the melted cheese, those mean patties; they all come together in a glorious, almost orgasmic, meeting that is almost indescribable.
Then you finish, and as you get up with your left arm tingling, you realize you are now a part of a brotherhood that is like no other. You have finished an entire Monster Thickburger. You have tamed it and made it your own.
bill brasky ice cream sundae Posted: 7/27/2005by: matt clinton bill is the weirdest person on earth he once greeted people at walmart with a hand full of spoiled apple sauce mixed with ropey sperm. bill you are a inspiration to all teenage boys with dreams of self gratification with spoiled food products. cheers and good luck, skidmark! p.s. try 2 year old turkey gravy it is the slipperest?? the clintonian thunder Who's Brasky? Posted: 7/15/2005by: Bozo The Death MaAchine He once kicked a 100 yard field goal at half-time of the Super Bowl while drunk. There wasn't any reason for him to do it, and instead of a football he kicked a midget.
He cut his nose off to spite his face . . . long story short, his nose is now Michael Jackson's agent, and has more sex than Tom Jones.
You can grate cheese on his scrotum . . . in three different thicknesses.
He once lit a gorilla on fire just by staring at it.
He keeps George Burns' head on a stick in his basement and swats cockroaches with it.
He can whittle with his penis!
His favorite movie is "My Dog Skip" starring Kevin Bacon!
He keeps a quart of Jack Pallance's urine in his bedroom!
He showed me a picture of his colon and there was a family of elves living in it!
Dogs howl in distant cities when Brasky flies over in a plane!!
His blood can eat through metal, like those creatures on the movie Alien!
He once raped a Sasquatch and got it pregnant! He sent the babies to Notre Dame, where they played on the football team and sang in the choir. After graduating with honors from the Medical program, Brasky shot and ate them all. "Never trust an animal to cut hair or do dental work!" he explained.
He starred in TV drama about the life of Emmanuel Lewis, aka Webster, playing the lead role with a hand puppet and a pound of his own pubic hair!!
He knocked Julia Roberts into a mud puddle for starring in Erin Brockavich and picked her back up for being in Pretty Woman.
Brasky enjoys long evenings alone, licking his genitals like a dog.
At his autopsy, they found a partially digested anaconda in Brasky's belly. The partially digested remains of Gary Coleman were found in the anaconda's belly. And in Gary Coleman's belly they found, you guessed it, a quart of George Michael's semen. Also pulled from his abdominal cavity were a family of marmots and the complete third season series of the Andy Griffith Show on DVD.
Bill Brasky drew a picture of me once.
Khrushchev moved missiles out of Cuba after Brasky sent him a valentine.
Brasky Posted: 7/15/2005by: Mike Who's Brasky you ask?
Why he's a 8 foot tall beast man who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi!!!
Brasky and God were roommates in college.....guess who got top bunk?
To teach his son to drive he entered him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said, "it woulda happened"
Brasky once took me out for a drink. Well we drive around for hours looking for a bar when Brasky parks in a vacant lot and says "here we are." Well we sit there for a year and a half until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. PJ McGinty's. So we order a beer and a shot and then burn the place to the ground. Over the roar of the flames Brasky yelled "ALWAYS LEAVE THIGNS THE WAY YOU FOUND THEM!!!"
now you know who Brasky is!!! Bill Brasky Posted: 7/14/2005by: Mike S He's a 7 foot tall, thickburger eatin' sunavabitch!! What about the original Posted: 7/14/2005by: Ryan Wasn't the Colossus, or as it is now known, the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, by Jack in the Box the original? Let me see, two patties, three kinds of cheese, six pieces of bacon, and mayo? Yeah it has that. Give credit where credit is due, Hardees just stole an already great idea. I love Monster Burgers Posted: 7/14/2005by: NLH I used to eat the former Monster burger all the time until they discontinued it. I was deeply depressed during the two year stint until the new, glorious, 107 fat gram Monster was unleashed on my fair town. I was so happy I had two for lunch the day I saw it, and I'm only 190 pounds. I don't know if it was euphoria or food poisoning, but there was a feeling in my stomach I couldn't describe. BRASKY Posted: 7/14/2005by: Chrissy WHO IS BILL BRASKY?!?!?! Dear MEH Posted: 7/14/2005by: bryan It's true Jack said "let there be breakfast all motherf*&%in day!" and the rest is history. A case of the munchies never tasted so good.
And to the Brasky fans, damn, your comments are hilarious...... Sausage and Curly Fries? Posted: 7/14/2005by: MEH Molly, tell me you lie, tell me that if I were so fortunate to live in a Jack-in-the-Box locale, I could not get fast food breakfast all day! For if you tell the truth, then sadness descends on me like the night, for that has always been my dream, to have a Croissanwich whenever I damn well please. But I must live here, in the state of deprivation...woe is me. Brasky Posted: 7/14/2005by: Mike There's a saloon in the Old West where only the toughest men can be found. One day someone runs through the doors screaming "BRASKY'S COMING TO TOWN". Well sure enough every guy, girl, kid, and whore in the place get up and run out the door screaming for their lives. The bartender stands behind the bar confused. He goes outside and he see's a man who goes about 6'8" 325lbs riding TWO BEARS coming down the street towards the saloon. The man gets off the bears and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "can get you anything else sir?" and the man replies "HELL NO, BRASKY'S COMING TO TOWN!!!!"
