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Janet Napolitano - Arizona's Governor
Los Angeles isn’t that different from my hometown – I swear
Since moving from Phoenix to Los Angeles I’ve realized that people are pretty much the same out here as anywhere, except they’re little more dramatic and intense. It’s no wonder with overpopulation, a high cost of living, and everyone trying desperately to break into the entertainment industry, life can be very cutthroat. Not to mention the constant parade of beautiful celebrities rubbing your own failure in your face with every step they take.
Still the rest of the country think people living in California are insane – with their hybrid cars and oxygen bars. So to bridge the gap between us and the rest of the US, I have compiled actual quotes that I heard in Phoenix and contrasted them with similar quotes I’ve heard in LA.
On Arizona governor, Janet Napolitano, and California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arizonians: Our governor looks like a man.
Californians: Our governor really looks like a man . . . even though he’s actually a robot sent back from the future to save us from the Democrats.
On celebrity sightings
Arizonians: Oh, I’m so excited, I just saw they Phoenix Suns’ towel guy buying boxers at Target!
Californians: I just saw Slash drink a handle of Jack Daniels and fuck nine supermodels while a monkey with a camcorder duct-tapped to its head filmed the entire thing. Then Slash vomited on the monkey and it beat the shit out of him as the supermodels blew cocaine off Gary Coleman’s naked back. . . at Target. Whatever, pretty much the same thing I saw last week.
On the weather
Arizonians: It’s so hot outside that I got second-degree burns when I touched the steering wheel in my car.
Californians: It’s very comfortable inside my car . . . mostly because of the cool ocean breeze flowing through my windows which someone was nice enough to bust out last night.
On traffic
Arnold
Arizonians: Traffic’s horrible where the I-10 meets the 202; I must have been stuck there today for 15 minutes.
Californians: After work I got stuck on the I-10 for so long that I went to sleep in my car. The next morning, I just made a u-turn and went back to work.
On air pollution
Arizonians: Air pollution is a growing problem here.
Californians: I can’t see my baby through the smog! Where’s my baby! Somebody find my baby!
On religion
Arizonians: Mormons use missionaries on bicycles to convert the heathens.
Californians: Scientologists use Tom Cruise’s penis to convert ignorant, young starlets.
On water recreation
Arizonians: I would go inner-tubing down the Salt River, but the water’s just so dirty.
Californians: I would go surfing down at Venice Beach, but last time I wiped out on top of a bum who stabbed me in the face with a dirty syringe.
The smog's only bad if you breath
On drunken one-night stands
Arizonians: Ah shit. I think I slept with Phrat Phree contributor Ryan McKee, last night. Oh well, at least I don’t remember it.
Californians: Oh, good lord, no! I think I slept with Phat Phree contributor Ron Babcock! Oh, please God, kill me now before anyone find out! Somebody please stab me in the throat!
OMFG L.A. HAS SMOG AND TRAFFIC LOLZ GROUNDBREAKING COMEDIC WRITING
HI LA RI OUS
NoJacketRequired
Funny
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Posted: 8/15/2005 5:11:13 AM
Good laughs. The baby line cracked me up. Nice work.
JK
Hah Hah Fart
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Posted: 8/15/2005 6:14:54 AM
Short sweet and to the funny. A solid 4 in my book.
Triumph
Pretty good article
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Posted: 8/15/2005 11:36:54 AM
FOR ME TO POOP ON!!
Molly
It was SO awful...
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Posted: 8/15/2005 11:47:11 AM
I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt Ryan, I really did. It wasn't all that bad, but "On Drunken One Night Stands"? Thats the kind of dual self loathing/self worshipping unfunny gobbeldy gook that a 3rd grader would spout out at the school talent show and get suspended for three days because of. L-A-M-E.
Laziejim
Obviously not from LA
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Posted: 8/15/2005 12:13:42 PM
Obviously you have not been in LA for very long...I guess its ok in AZ to call it I-10...NO ONE from LA calls the 10 (or any freeway for that matter) I-fill in the blank...they are all known by "The (fill in the number"
STEVE
SUCKED
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Posted: 8/15/2005 1:20:52 PM
Ryan,
1) Don't write anymore articles, please.
2) Get a fuckin haircut you ugly prick. You look like one of the guys from Oasis, only 50% mongoloid.
So...
That's more like AZ vs. LA
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Posted: 8/15/2005 2:08:46 PM
...not AZ vs CA.
Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype that everyone in CA is covered in smog and sees celebrities right and left.
Beavis
Don't Forget the Rest of the Sunbelt!
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Posted: 8/15/2005 2:59:04 PM
Let's not forget Atlanta and Houston, two cities that manage to have just as little culture and just as much Smog and Traffic as LA and Phoenix...
On sunny days in Houston, you can look downtown and see a giant brown ring of smog, refinery smoke, vehicle exhaust, and Hakeem Olajuwon's sneeze particles...
Rachael
?HUH?
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Posted: 8/15/2005 4:51:10 PM
I thought this was pretty damn funny, but I live in Atlanta, so what do I know.
Ryan don't listen to these guys. Those who can't write criticize.
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