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CLEVELAND, OH- 44-year old student loan officer Dan Riley expressed bewilderment and frustration at what has thus far been a fruitless effort to make contact with 28-year old borrower Mike Polk Jr. regarding his outstanding and increasingly delinquent student loans.
“What we have going on here is a world class game of ‘phone tag’, revealed Riley, “and it seems as though so far, I’m the only one who’s ‘it’.”
Riley, who has been trying in vain to get in touch with Polk for the past three years, has been met with one disappointment after another as the elusive loanee continues to evade his persistent but clueless pursuit.
“For one reason or another, we have just never managed to hook up,” lamented a perplexed Riley, “It seems like if it’s not one thing it’s another. A lot of times he’s just not home. On other occasions I’ve called only to be told that he has moved to a new house or apartment. The people that answer the phone, whom I can only assume are the new tenants of Mike’s old place, usually have heavy foreign accents and are not very helpful as to his new whereabouts.”
Riley is always eventually able to track Polk down despite his many telephone number changes.
“It usually takes me a little while, but I always manage to find him. That’s what I do,” said Riley, “But it sure would make it easier on me if Mike would just supply me with his new contact information whenever it changes. I’ve left messages on his voicemail suggesting this, but I guess he always forgets.”
According to Riley, Polk owes roughly $38,000 in various government student loans that funded his six-and-a-half year education at Kent State University. Polk’s effort merited him a bachelors degree in the ambiguous field of “Communications”.
The still-unemployed Polk has deferred and forbeared on his student loans a remarkable 34 times, a record high for the state of Ohio.
“I really hope to catch up with Mike soon so that we can get him set up with a payment plan that will help him start to make a dent in that debt. I’m sure he’s anxious to get started paying back what he owes, I just need to get a hold of him so we can straighten this all out.”
In addition to the address and phone number changes, Riley has had to wade through frequent misinformation regarding Polk’s whereabouts. These include Polk’s purported move to Portugal, his supposed enlistment in the U.S. Merchant Marines, and even the claim of his untimely death.
Polk's Stolen Degree
“A British gentleman who identified himself as Mike’s uncle answered the phone and told me that Mike was hit by a train and killed and therefor would not be able to pay back his student loans” said Riley. “As you can imagine, I was quite taken aback. Luckily, upon viewing Mike’s credit card usage for that month I realized that his uncle was mistaken and that Mike was still very much alive. I don’t know how his uncle came under that impression but I’m sure that he was as relieved as I was when he found out the truth.”
“I really hope that I can get in touch with Mike soon,” continued Riley, “We’ve got this great new program that allows us to automatically withdraw money from your bank account on the first of every month. It’s a super convenient, low-hassle way to stay on top of your payments, now if I could just get Mike to sign off on it. I really think it would be the perfect plan for an obviously busy guy like him. I guess I’ll try giving him a call again tomorrow.”
Mike Polk could not be reached for comment on this story.
If I had it, I'd give it to you. And so we're clear, I'm talking about disposable income. Funny article.
Lorenzo
great new program
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Posted: 12/5/2005 9:19:54 AM
a great new program that one of my credit card companies uses...it ruined my fucking life.
Soylent Green
Funny...
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Posted: 12/5/2005 12:32:51 PM
Really!
Johnny Lydon
Atta boy Polk.
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Posted: 12/5/2005 1:43:02 PM
Way to stick it to the man! For some reason I couldn't help but hear Ron Howard narrating this. If you really are unemployed you should seriously consider moving west and trying your hand at writing. Again, you are the highlight of this site.
Christine
Awesome Article
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Posted: 12/5/2005 1:54:48 PM
I have my brothers trained to tell the loan offices that I am still fighting over in Iraq.
I have deferred 5 times already. Seriously, is there a limit on how many times that can be done? I refuse to pay for my education. I think you should only have to pay if you are employed in the field of your major. I am not a famous actress and therefore, will not pay.
Sinnick
Atta Boy
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Posted: 12/5/2005 1:58:05 PM
I agree completely, Johnny. In addition, Mr. Polk should consider retaining the counsel of one Barry Zuckercorn, Esq. Mikey, you're the bomb. I'd love to sit down with you for a beer or two.
Dave
Keepin it Real
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Posted: 12/5/2005 2:06:39 PM
Polk has done some very funny articles but this is not one of them.
dave
Sinnick
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Posted: 12/5/2005 3:09:18 PM
what the fuck is the point of having a beer or two? be a real man.
matt
Nice!!
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Posted: 12/5/2005 3:31:53 PM
Fuck the haters. I throughly enjoyed this article. Johnny Lyndon-funny comment.
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