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Okay, let’s just be logical about this. You’re a Highlander, I’m a Highlander. That much I’m clear on. And now you say you want to- and I want to make sure I have this straight here- you want to cut my head off so that you can “absorb my power”?
Not to be contrary, but isn’t that a bit rash? Can’t we at least try to talk this out a little bit before we go lopping each others’ heads off?
You know, when I heard about this “Gathering” everyone was talking about, I figured I’d pop in and check it out. Meet some other immortals. Mingle. I had no idea it was going to end up like this. I thought we’d all just split a 30 pack, swap e-mail addresses and call it a night. I certainly envisioned less carnage.
And I’m sorry, what did you say your name was? “The Kurgan”? That’s quite a handle. No it’s cool. It’s just different is all. Well my name is Alex. Good to know you.
Now first off, you have repeatedly proclaimed, quite emphatically, that there can only be one Highlander. But I think you’ll have to admit that that is a fundamentally false statement. Because as we’ve established, we are both Highlanders. And look around. Check it out. Everything’s fine. The world’s still turning. So why can’t we both just keep being Highlanders?
It’s a big planet, man. Plenty of room for a couple of crazy old immortals like us. We don’t even really have to see each other. I mean, unless you want to. You can have Europe and Asia and I’ll just hang out here in New York. Hell, you can even have South America. That’s all you. In fact, if you want I could just stay in my apartment. I’m cool with that. I’ll order in. Anything to avoid needless violence.
Okay, you don’t like that plan. You want to be the only Highlander. That’s important to you. I can see that. And I feel you, man. But there has to be some other way around this. One that doesn’t involve you hacking off my dome.
Highlander Kurgan
Hey, I know. What if I just promise not to tell anyone that I’m a Highlander? How’s that sound? That way everyone will think that you’re the last Highlander, and I don’t have to die. Everybody wins!
I’m great at keeping secrets. Ask anyone. Whenever my friends have a secret, I’m the one they come to. And if anyone were to ask me, “Hey Alex, are you an immortal Highlander?” I’d be all, “No way, you must have me mixed up with The Kurgan. He’s the only Highlander that I’m aware of. He’s the man!” How’s that sound, boss? No? Still not biting?
All right Kurg, I’m gonna level with you here. And this is kind of embarrassing for me to admit. I’m not what you would call a “proficient swordsman”. It’s not really my thing.
I know what you’re gonna say. I’ve been alive for six centuries, you’d think I’d have picked up some fighting skills by now. But it has honestly just never really interested me. I keep meaning to at least learn some fundamentals but it just seems like something always comes up. Like I got really into swing dancing for a while. Now that was music! This stuff today is just people talking nonsense over beats.
Hey, there’s an idea! How about a dance-off to determine the last Highlander? Now that’s something I could probably hang with you at. We’ll grab three impartial judges, have them each rate us on a scale of one to ten and then add up the scores. Highest number is declared “World’s Best Highlander”.
Highlander Alex
Okay you’re raising your sword. That’s no good. I feel like we’re just going in circles here.
One last point if I may? So you say you’re all about “absorbing my power”, right? But realistically, how much power do you really think you’re going to get here? My girlfriend opens pickle jars for me. I’m asthmatic. If anything, you might lose strength on this move.
Boy you’re determined. All right. Well, do what you gotta do, I guess. But I’d just like to go on the record as saying that even if you are soon to become the most powerful man in the universe, you’re also a world class jerk. Okay. Let’s get this over with. And make it Quickening.
They're all immortals, not all highlanders. The reason the movie was called that, and the character Conner McCloud refered as that, was because he was from the Highlands of Scotland! Not all the immortals are from the scottish Highlands of course. And thus the article loses all its humor.
yes, i'm a dork for knowing this.
Lorenzo
high
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Posted: 10/10/2005 9:34:42 AM
You must have high when you wrote this; it's funny. I never watched the real, original Highlander, but I am familiar with the concepts you mock as I spent a summer intensely fascinated with "Highlander: The Raven". I thought that crew-cutted, bleached-blonde ravenous Raven chick was fire.
TR
What?
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Posted: 10/10/2005 11:53:17 AM
I have no knowledge of anything Highlander, but I found your slacker, pussy-ish writing style humorous.
OldManWinters
Thanks, Chris
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Posted: 10/10/2005 11:59:31 AM
I was hoping I wouldn't be the first dork to know that. But I am about to one up your dorkiness. The Raven Chick was named Amanda. She was a former Miss Arkansas and also nailed our Hilbilly ex-president when he was just governor there. Also, the Kurgan was from Russia.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!
Joe Kickass
Ha!
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Posted: 10/10/2005 12:14:21 PM
Good shit Polk! ...But this one is sure to attract disparities from masses of fan-boys.
MKF
go play with yourself, chris
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Posted: 10/10/2005 12:16:25 PM
This article was hilarious -- especially for those of us with only the faintest knowledge of Highlanders -- so instead of trying to counteract the humor how about you go do us all a favor and not procreate. Jerk.
J
++++++++
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Posted: 10/10/2005 12:30:09 PM
Laughed my ass off. Thanks Polk.
Tony
Funny Stuff
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Posted: 10/10/2005 12:44:16 PM
Nice.
But to add to the dorkiness.... the "Kurgan" is named after the area of Russia in which he came from. So, as was pointed out, he's no highlander.
But you're all geeky
Hey Chris
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Posted: 10/10/2005 12:55:00 PM
It's spelled D-I-C-K, not D-O-R-K.
Kiki
Highlarious
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Posted: 10/10/2005 1:03:35 PM
God I loved that movie as a kid. Bless you, MIchael.
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