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I'm sitting here, realizing the disparity of my life. I'm 27, no girlfriend, no job, really no plan. However, the greatest things in my life seem to happen when I don't have a plan. Kind of like this thing I'm writing, no real plan where it's going... but I guarantee there will be parts of genius.
A few nights ago I was over at this girl's place, we had just finished eating dinner and were watching TV, when suddenly I had to shit. Problem is, she's got one bathroom, and her apartment isn't too big. So here's the dice roll - if I take a shit, any chance I have of getting laid (especially a blow job, because no matter what, she's just going to be imagining what I had just done down there) is most likely out the window. If I don't shit, I still might not get laid, but if I do I'm going to be holding in a shit the whole time (I had a little bit to drink that night, so we're talking at least three minutes).
I have no idea what to do, and my mind and stomach are churning. It's at about this point that she moves a little closer to me on the couch and starts that whole snuggling thing. So, the sex thing is a go. Here is why not only am I a genius, but I am so damn golden: I forgot to get dessert and we're almost out of wine (yeah, I'm drinking wine because this girl is classy, and beer makes me bloat). Of course, these are the things I tell her. I didn't forget dessert, I don't even really like dessert: but there was my excuse to get out of the house, hit the Longs that was down the street and do the thing I had to do ('that thing' would be me dropping a deuce).
I like beer. I think I like it too much sometimes. I try not to go out during the week, because every morning I'm running, and running with a hangover sucks! So, when someone calls and wants to hang out during the week, I usually say no. Of course, that's not good enough for them, screw the fact I have to get up at six in the morning and run five miles - why can't I go out and have just a couple of beers, they ask? You know what, asshole, everyone knows I can't just have one damn beer.
Pretty sure I have a drinking problem. Can't prove it, haven't been diagnosed with one... but look at the shit I do when I'm drunk; I constitute that as having a fucking drinking problem!
I also love the whole, don't worry about having to drive home - we'll just take a cab. Bullshit! You always start off with the best intentions of getting a cab, but be a fucking realist: We're going to get drunk, be so damn drunk that we don't realize how drunk we truly are, thus, thinking that we're okay to drive home.
The one thing I've always been good at, thank God, is not going home with an ugly/fat chick. Sure, I've gone home with some crazy bitches (Girls, I use the term "bitch" because these women were crazy bitches!), girls who have boyfriends/married/children, pretty sure I even went out with a post-op once (Goddamn, that he/she could suck a dick, though) but I usually stir clear of the fat/ugly chicks.
Girls, when you're hooking your guy friends up with one of your girlfriends, be honest for a change. We all know that, "Um...she has a nice personality," means that she's ugly. Given, I've met girls who I wasn't attracted to at first, but got to know them and fell in love. However, your girlfriends’ are not those girls. Just once, switch it up...be honest! Look, there's a reason that she's 26 and has never had a boyfriend... it's called that she was chosen by God to be a nun, and it's time she accepted her fate. How about we meet in the middle ground; girls?
Take an example from us guys: When we hook one of our buddies up with one of our girl friends, we're honest: "Dude, she's ugly, but she puts out." Right there, bam... learn to speak the language of men! Describe her anyway you want, just make sure you finish the sentence with, "...but she puts out."
Women, stop with the fucking games! It's real simple - you want to take me home with you and fuck my brains out; tell me! Don't fucking touch your right ear lobe, then scratch your nose, then lightly stroke your left breast...that's not a sign, unless your signaling for a bunt. If we're talking and you have no interest in me; tell me! I don't want a fake number; chances are I'm not planning on calling you anyway.
I'm also not buying the whole, "It's girls night and we all promised each other that we wouldn't leave anyone behind" bullshit! If a chick meets a guy that she wants, there is no force on Earth that will stop her from getting him. It might not be right then and there, but she sure as hell ain't going to let "ladies night" stop her. Look, if the only reason that you're talking to me is because I'm buying you drinks; tell me! I'll gladly add you to my tab and move on to a girl who's interested. Ladies, guys aren't always looking to fuck you that night.
Every once in a while I'm actually looking for a girl to take out that next weekend...because, where else is there to meet girls but at the bar/club? I swear to God, don't answer that last question with: The grocery store. Bullshit!, you have a cart full of tampons, Jenny Craig Microwavable Meals, diet Coke, nail polish remover, cheetos, cat food, and Vagisil; the last goddamn thing that you want to do is get hit on.
Is Kind of like your life, it started out with a direction then turned to shit and went nowhere.
Christine
Well
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Posted: 6/28/2006 10:28:00 AM
I agree it was all over the place, but in a good way. There were some issues on your mind and you got them out there. I do that all the time. Not on a web site read by 10s of people, but I still do it.
Also, I'm 27 and never had a serious boyfriend so I am killing myself when i go home. But I really don't want one.
And sometimes, your friends seriously won't let you leave with guys. its not bullshit. Especially if you are pretty fucked up. I try to leave with strangers all the time (not for sex, but because they always know where a lot of after hours places are) and my friends grab me and force me to leave. It really happens, so not every girl is lying.
And you are right, other than a bar, there is no acceptable place to meet someone. So there is quite a double edged sword. But really good article.
Ted Striker
Hmmm
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:00:06 AM
You don't know for sure whether or not you have a drinking problem?
That's odd. I knew precisely when mine started. It was quite easy to tell.
P.S. You can meet chicks at the airport. Just not in the Red Zone.
Charlie Sheen
Rehab
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:08:41 AM
= good place to meet chics.
Christine - we're not/never have been "serious"? That calls for a spanking with a cheese log...damn! Carnie got it!
Provo
Acceptable alternatvie....
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:20:29 AM
eHARMONY!! HA!! Eff that...you're right bro, on the bar/club scene...
Good article...I too share many of your plights, and oddly enough, I have been in a very similar situation you're article started with...you handled that very well...for me, it was like only a second date type thing and I decided to play the gentlemen card to excuse myself from anything sexual that night, but, at the same time, gaurantee ass the next time...the whole "Wow, this is great, but lets slow down....I like you and I just don't want to rush into things..." <---thats usu. pretty money.
Im also a bonafide alcoholic....self proclaimed, of course as I have not been formally diagnosed either.....but, luckily, my standards w/ the ladies remain true no matter what my state....
ps. NEVER buy a lady a drink unless: She's a friend, you're on a date, or she buys you one first.......too many women use too many men to get free drinks...I refuse to be one of "those guys" and perpetuate this.....there are enough guys out there who will....why should I be one of the herd....
christine
this christine chick needs a life
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:05:26 PM
every morning I read the phat phree. every morning there are lame comments from this christine chick on EVERY article. get a f'ing life
Christine
New Christine
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:12:54 PM
You should have used a different name, don't you think? And welcome. Just so you know my comments are not just from the morning. I usually begin posting at 10, but then I continue to post comments well after 5 pm. Sometimes I'll stay late if there is a particularly interesting conversation going on.
I'm pretty quiet so I have a hard time making friends. My only living relative is my brother Roger and he lives way out in Carson City. So, I stumbled onto this little gem of a site 5 years ago and I have been here ever since. I'm sorry if that upsets you. But i think that after a spell you'll come to realize that I'm not half bad.
Carnie!!!! Give Charlie back out cheese log!!!! You can eat it when we're done.
deuce
new christine
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:27:02 PM
bitch betta recognize..
vertigo
new christine
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:32:26 PM
do not talk about my fiancee' like that.
SomeDude
Lame
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 6/28/2006 2:15:11 PM
This article is a fucking abortion. I have read and expect better of you. You should've stopped at 'I have no plan'.
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