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If it's got to be whacked, it's got to be vaseline.
So explain to me why I just spent over a hundred bucks on dinner and drinks, and four hours of my life listening to you talk and pretending that I cared about what you were talking about? Oh, so we could come back to your place, do some more talking, start making out, get half-naked, and then you could watch me masturbate.
You honestly want me to do what I would have done anyway if I would have been home alone and never went out with you? I could be home right now, eating a pizza, drinking a beer, watching a porno and rubbing one out…that would have saved me a hundred bucks and given me back the four hours of my life I just spent with you; four hours I’m never going to get back.
Oh, you’ll masturbate too? Yes, that’s exactly what I was hoping would be the culmination of our night – me jacking off and you rubbing your clit.
Listen, I’m going to be honest with you…you’re very attractive, I would even introduce you to my friends; you have a great body – I can tell that you do yoga, and it’s paying off. However, the girls that are in the porn that I normally rub one out to are tens; you’re a seven and a half (You started the night as a seven, but I’m pleasantly drunk right now). Seriously, if I really wanted to watch a chick touch herself, I would look at some internet porn.
The fact is, I want to stick my raging hard-on (the one that you gave to me with your kissing and moaning and touching), into your wet pussy (I really don’t care if it’s wet or not, a little spit from your mouth will be perfect lubricant), and have unprotected sex with you. Plus, we barely know one another, how am I supposed to do this? Do I just start stroking it? Do I have to maintain eye contact with you? Are you going to talk dirty to me? Are you going to at least play with my balls? Do I have to wear a condom for this? What exactly are the clean-up arrangements going to be; do you provide, or do I have to get up and do it myself? I’m pretty sure I don’t look exactly sexy when I’m stroking my dick. I mean, I’ve never watched myself do it…I can only imagine. Is there a handbook to this?
I do appreciate the quid pro quo that you’re offering by masturbating as well. Yet, again, and I hate to beat a dead horse here, but you could have done that without me as well. I mean, if it was just a free dinner you wanted…well, you got it. Why bring me back to your place and give me the hope that I would actually be having sex tonight, or at the very least a blow job?
Shit, you know what? I would accept a handjob from you right now…the focal point to that sentence is “from you”! You’re right- your bed is very comfortable, much more comfortable than that mattress on the floor I sleep on. The thing is, what happens in the morning? I mean, the morning after one-night stand sex is pretty fucking awkward; how awkward is the morning after a one-night stand masturbation going to be? Plus, I’m going to wake up with a hard-on. Are you going to make me jack off again for you to watch? Also, who makes breakfast for whom? Are you doing me the service tonight, or am I doing you the service? I mean, I’m the one doing the servicing and apparently you get off on watching it. So does that mean that you’ll make me a ham and cheese omelet out of appreciation in the morning?
Wait, I get it…I’m getting Punk’d right now! Ashton, you crazy bastard, come in here!
Oh, this isn’t some joke, you’re totally serious. Fuck it! Hand me the lotion and from this point on, you are to refer to me as Mr. Spock.
You see mate, the same shit happened to me 2 weeks ago, more than 20 bucks in drinks and 40 in sushi, I know I am a college student. And then we went to some bar, and bitch denies she wants to kiss me, but two seconds after she says that, I tempt her, and guess, she's eating my tongue out. Later that night, a second bar, we're still making , I show her my boner through the pants, she laughs and robs my legs, and is still making out with me. Soooo is she coming back to my place you're asking yourself? Fuck no, bitch wants to go home back to daddy and mommy. Fuck you bithc. no really fuck you. You don't do that. You flirt, You eat, you pay.
antony
funny
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Posted: 7/20/2006 10:58:26 AM
what could be better than mutual masturbation? if she fails to cum its her own damn fault
goatlover
good word job
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Posted: 7/20/2006 11:12:21 AM
This was great! Spearheaded by Polk, this is a great day for TPP.
“Fuck it! Hand me the lotion and from this point on, you are to refer to me as Mr. Spock.”
That last line was killer.
That Guy
congrats, jake!
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Posted: 7/20/2006 12:03:22 PM
You just won a bet for that woman.
Tell me, did Katie at least have you spout on her face?
Burt Thaxton
Coke
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Posted: 7/21/2006 12:08:19 AM
Jake, you should have got her drunk, coked up, and horny.
Burt Thaxton
c
this is pathetic
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Posted: 7/21/2006 2:42:23 AM
Guys now EXPECT to get laid on the first date or she's a bitch? Wow. You must be some poor ass motherfuckers.
Now me, I'm really pathetic: Went to a massage parlor and the woman tricked me into jerking myself off after I didn't come fast enough...
Also, can anybody imagine somebody who'd rather watch a woman masturbate on TV instead of in person?
retard
retard
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Posted: 7/23/2006 3:06:54 AM
this isnt funny
J
Couldnt have said it better myself
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Posted: 10/4/2006 4:35:03 PM
I love watching a guy jerk off. It is sooooo sexy. Course...I watch him jerk it then he slaps my face a little and I suck it and then we go at it like crazy and then we stop and repeat until I just let him cum inside. Does this make me dirty or normal?
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