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Over the last few weeks, the sporting enthusiasts of America have been made to suffer ESPN’s relentless coverage of watching a broken-down, lying, cheating, asshole try to break Babe Ruth’s non-record mark of 714 home runs. While Barry Bonds has continued to make an absolute fool of himself by not hitting any home runs and being the worst fielding left fielder in baseball, ESPN has been so wrapped up in Bonds’ recent exploits that they have somehow managed to miss out on all of the records that Bonds has actually been able to break. Luckily for you, America, The Phat Phree is here to let you all in on the hollowed marks that Bonds has managed to top as of late.
Biggest Jerk in Major League Baseball History – Last year, amazingly, Bonds passed the immortal Ty Cobb in the official MLB jerk rankings. This is no small feat, as Cobb, during his playing days, not only would sharpen his spikes until they were tools of murder, and not only did he once beat up a crippled fan during a game, but he would probably have lynched you for having a tan.
Tiniest Penis in the World – Five plus years of rampant steroid abuse have left Barry with a tiny, microscopic penis measuring in at 1 & ¼ inches, besting Alex Fritz’s previous small bird entry of 1 & 1/3 inches. After hearing that Bonds had broken the record for world’s tiniest crank, Moises Alou pissed on his hands, gave Bonds a hi-five and started a clubhouse chant of “Baby Dick… Baby Dick… Baby Dick!”
World’s Best Moustache – 1987 Donruss. Enough said.
A Stache for the Ages
Most Times to “Unknowingly” Commit Adultery – After Game of Shadows shed light to Bonds’ infidelities with his mistress Kimberly Bell, Bonds responded by saying “I was just slamming whatever pussy my trainer (Mike Anderson) put in front of me… I trust Mike, we’re friends… Why would he have me lay tiny pipe on a bitch that wasn’t my wife? What the fuck would I get out of that?”
Most Convenient Use of the Race Card – Bonds was raised in the rough streets of Riverside, CA (R-SIDE IN THE HIZOUSE!) by his poor father Bobby, who, when Barry was 12, was making a paltry annual salary of $225K. Out of this rough environment, Barry went on to attend Junipero High School in San Mateo, CA. Junipero, long regarded for it’s history of student angst and rage, also graduated the likes of Tom Brady, Gregg Jefferies, Jim Fergosi, and Lynn Swann; all of whom somehow have made good livings in athletics without ever resorting to playing the race card. Barry, however, realizes that coming from a poorer home than Navin R. Johnson has fostered an environment where it is truly him against the world… because he’s black.
Most Times Fellatioed by an ESPN Personality – Barry’s baby dick was recently double teamed by Pedro Gomez and Joe Morgan in a parking lot behind a Denny’s in San Jose (Pedro worked the shaft and Morgan, a Hall of Fame second baseman, fielded the balls, naturally.) It was the 1,278th time Bonds had been blown by someone receiving a paycheck from the Worldwide Leader, besting the previous record established when Dick Vitale deep throated Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski last March for the 1,277th time. Needless to say, all parties involved will be in hot, hot pursuit of this record as the year rolls on.
These are only the records which I came across during a trek to Cooperstown, an evening with a case of Mickey’s and a lady of the night in Memphis, and a quick Google search… What else am I missing?
world's 1st douchebag to stil have your cell phone strapped to your belt during batting practice. (1st pic)
(great article fritz)
Patrick M
Head Circumference
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Posted: 5/18/2006 9:57:36 AM
Of course.
ball of rage
Not another record
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Posted: 5/18/2006 10:48:50 AM
it's probably not a cell phone. He's got a wireless microphone on his shirt, i'm sure that's just the transmitter.
Still a raging douche though.
The blow job race between the world leader crew is quality humor.
Tom A
World's Most Ridiculous Victim Complex
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Posted: 5/18/2006 11:08:14 AM
He passed up Imelda Marcos during last year's spring training, and by the end of the year he had soared past OJ Simpson (post civil trial judgment and levy attempts - you know, the OJ that had to play golf at a MUNICIPAL course) by the end of the year.
Tom A
World's Most Laughable and Pathetic "Family" Shield/Excuse.Reference
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Posted: 5/18/2006 11:12:08 AM
After grand jury testimony got out, he brought his son with him to face the media, and told the media, "you guys got us. You finally got us. You see what you've done to my family? blah blah blah.
Despicable.
Passed up Latrell Sprewell, a mark previously thought to be untouchable.
TIMMAH
Alex
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Posted: 5/18/2006 11:21:39 AM
This was great stuff. You should be proud. Also, I still think "How to Really Spend $241,000" is the best article ever printed on this site.
Pat Bateman
*Barry*
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Posted: 5/18/2006 2:17:55 PM
He also set the record for "Lamest Self-Promoting Television Show Ever." (Which is a pretty unbelieveable accomplishment if you ever seen a more than 10 seconds of "Jonathan" on Bravo.) Somehow Barry has the ability to come off as an asshole, bitch, douchebag, cry-baby and oxygen theif all at once - kudos. And what network can we thank for airing this garbage? Hmmm, let me think.
Nice Ty Cobb and tan reference.
Pat Bateman
*Barry*
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Posted: 5/18/2006 2:18:19 PM
He also set the record for "Lamest Self-Promoting Television Show Ever." (Which is a pretty unbelieveable accomplishment if you ever seen a more than 10 seconds of "Jonathan" on Bravo.) Somehow Barry has the ability to come off as an asshole, bitch, douchebag, cry-baby and oxygen theif all at once - kudos. And what network can we thank for airing this garbage? Hmmm, let me think.
Nice Ty Cobb and tan reference.
Pat Bateman
*Barry*
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Posted: 5/18/2006 2:18:45 PM
He also set the record for "Lamest Self-Promoting Television Show Ever." (Which is a pretty unbelieveable accomplishment if you ever seen a more than 10 seconds of "Jonathan" on Bravo.) Somehow Barry has the ability to come off as an asshole, bitch, douchebag, cry-baby and oxygen theif all at once - kudos. And what network can we thank for airing this garbage? Hmmm, let me think.
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