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Gordan Dunph: Sex-starved virgin
As hard as I try to understand it, it only confuses me in more ways. What is up with girls, man? Nice guys really do finish last. Women seem to look for the dangerous guys in life. I always end up as "the friend.” My mom tells people that I am a great catch. Why do girls respond with biting, scratching, kicking, and pepper spraying whenever I try to push our relationship past complimenting them endlessly and letting them borrow my money? Girls are so stupid, man. How can they pass on a great guy like me?
I collect spaceships. I would be so rich if my Apollo 13 models were the real thing. I bet the chicks would pour in then. Girls are so materialistic. The average guy, like me, ends up dateless every weekend, while Richie Rich is plowing three Swedish models on a house-sized yacht somewhere on the Gulf of Mexico. The fact that I am unemployed does not make me a bad French-kisser. My mom never needs the car on Friday or Saturday night either, it’s not like we’d be using public transit to go out on dates (unless it was Sunday through Thursday). I used to have a van but it kept breaking down and the neighborhood teens continuously kept spray painting “molestor-mobile” across the hood. The fact that I am without a vehicle does not make me a bad person. Women are so shallow. Why must they dwell on the negative aspects of my personality? There are so many positives.
I think robots are really neat. I had a boner for 67 straight hours the first time I saw Weird Science. Those guys made a hot robot girlfriend that did whatever they wanted. I would get laid so much if I had one of those. It would be great to have a robot girlfriend because regular girls treat me like I have poop for hair. I am going to get to work on building my personal sex-machine robot right after I scrape together some dough and move out of my mom’s basement. What? Fuck off, it’s totally like an apartment, dude.
Another thing I hate about women is how unforgiving they can be. The last time I was on a date, I slightly urinated in my pants while eating an ice cream cone. She helped to point it out by gesturing and laughing hysterically. I bet you can never guess who left the date and used her camera phone to send pictures of the debacle to my mom, boss, and all of my MySpace friends. My magic eight ball responded that the answer was cloudy, so I’ll have to wait and see if we’ll go out again anytime soon. Girls are so scornful and mean. Why can’t they be caring and outgoing like me? I go the extra mile for chicks.
Flowers for prom are SO overdone.
One time, I built a Lego castle for my prom date and asked her to be my princess. Pretty romantic, huh? It didn’t go exactly as planned. The entire senior class and teaching staff tore the structure apart and beat the living piss out of me. As they pelted me with Lego blocks, I faintly remembered the captain of the football team yelling, “I’m going to throw these fucking blocks at you until you have a house sticking out of your face.” While I missed the humor in it, others found it resoundingly amusing. My date ended up hooking up and getting impregnated by the janitor later in the evening. I heard they joined a cult not long after. I told her to give me a call if they ever try to sacrifice her or anything like that, so I guess that we’re kind of on a break.
Girls do not weather storms very well. It seems like they take off whenever times get rough. They lack focus and fortitude. I can watch all of the Star Wars movies and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in a row without taking a nap. F is for fortitude, mother-fucker.
It all boils down to the fact that females are not big on giving me attention. It seems that they enjoy activities like shopping or doing other guys far more than making out with me. My mom’s answer is always the same. She told me to be myself and everything will work out. Sometimes I get so mad, I contemplate buying some cool things and changing my image. I could get dressed all up in cool clothes, spike my hair, and lean on things that are dangerous (like motorcycles, tricked-out street racers, or alligators). I might even pick up a pink Polo shirt and pop the collar. Girls would do me so hard then. That would be the life.
I wonder if women and I will ever see eye to eye. I’m not sure if I want to sell out who I am just to have a hot broad to bump uglies with. I might have to just settle in and be myself. I can always buy a chick from Russia or build a robot girlfriend if it doesn’t work out.
I was really hoping for a punchline like "Sincerely, Gordon Dumph AKA Chris Farley" or some such.
Is he smoking a cig in th first pic?
Max
i meant to include
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Posted: 7/19/2006 6:17:46 AM
"pre snl"
btw, love farley... rip
s
...
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Posted: 7/19/2006 9:10:04 AM
alligators.
choice.
Tom A
"So I guess that we're kind of on a break"
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Posted: 7/19/2006 9:46:21 AM
Good work, Juan. This is solid.
Did the chemistry and band teachers join in the Lego rampage, too? Because that would be really cold.
Christine
1st pic caption
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Posted: 7/19/2006 9:58:08 AM
"I'll show those breast-feeding-babies!!!"
That Guy
Christine
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Posted: 7/19/2006 10:05:48 AM
You beat me to the punch.
I was going to go with:
JPM at his moniker.
Dave B
Christine
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Posted: 7/19/2006 10:06:40 AM
Thank you. It isn't often that I actually "laugh out loud" reading something.
Tom Mc
Nice
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Posted: 7/19/2006 10:19:10 AM
Another solid article by Juan.
antony
1st pic caption
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Posted: 7/19/2006 10:27:43 AM
"the speakers don't work because you've got earbuds plugged into the headphones port... (then as he walks away) ....you stupid fuck." good read Juan, but so many other angles you could have taken... :(
Christine
That Guy
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Posted: 7/19/2006 10:33:10 AM
Yours would have definitely been better. ha! Moniker!!! Sadly, that was one of my greatest days at work.
P.S. Juan, dinner is at 7. I am making a roast. Your favorite!!
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