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I never read comic books as a kid. I used to read the occasional Archie or Ritchie Rich, the so-called humor comics through which the preadolescent jokester passes on his way to the more sophisticated Mad Magazine. I never got into the superheroes genre. I was never very impressed with the powers they held or the way in which they obtained said super powers.
As an adult I am even less impressed with superhero capabilities. Who cares about shit like flying or being really strong? That stuff won’t get you far in today’s world. Maybe I would read comics if the central characters had powers that I truly envy. Below is a list of superhero super powers for the new century.
-Impervious to all known venereal diseases and you're sterile.
-Able to drink incredible amounts of booze and get wasted without ever getting a hangover.
-The ability to sense when a parking space is opening up (superheroes never park in pay lots).
No more hangovers? Super!
-Hypnotic powers that enable you to talk some flunky operator at VISA into deleting your entire balance EVERY MONTH!
-The ability to eat an entire bucket of fried chicken at a single sitting WITH ROLLS AND MASHED POTATOS! (From now on I promise not to use exclamatory capital letters unless it is something really, really cool.)
-Knowledge of every single baseball statistic no matter how “meaningless” it may appear to non fans. Examples: Number of times Pete Rose grounded into a double play with the bases loaded, or number of times Jackie Robinson was left on base. I should have put this entire entry in exclamatory capital letters because that would be the most fun thing ever. Can you imagine how much money you would win on bets? I mean, screw X-ray vision; this would be huge. Most foul tips in a single at bat. Most bunts in a single game. OK, I have to stop thinking about this or it will drive me crazy. Note to self: dedicate an entire book to super-weird baseball stats. What’s really weird is that there is going to be someone, somewhere who actually keeps track of that sort of arcane baseball silliness.
-Vast knowledge of computers but not a geek in any way. Yeah, right. Like that’s at all possible.
-The ability to find a clean public restroom in Mexico. This would be more important for female superheroes but would also come in handy for boys if you have to take a dump. I have been in bathrooms so incredibly squalid in Mexico that I actually interrupt the stream of my urine to ward off any salmon-like organisms that may try to swim upstream, so to speak. Better yet, how about this for a super power: Never having to go to the bathroom. You would lose all of your body's waste through expiration but your breath wouldn't smell bad. And, while we're at it, you never get B.O. Show me that comic book hero and I'll start reading.
to sense beforehand if you're going to get laid after paying for her supper and drinks. If you know you're not going to score you can go dutch and save yourself a packet.
goatlover
The Ability
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Posted: 8/14/2006 9:26:42 AM
to persuade anyone to do anything what you want just by saying ‘pretty please’
brikz58
THE ABILITY
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Posted: 8/14/2006 10:13:38 AM
to sense a subpar article before you read it and save yourself 5-10 minutes...
Jason
I have that ability
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Posted: 8/14/2006 11:04:48 AM
"THE ABILITY
to sense a subpar article before you read it and save yourself 5-10 minutes..."
I did that when I saw it was titled Comic Book Guy.
deuce
the ability
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Posted: 8/14/2006 11:16:50 AM
to take a napalm "question of the week" and turn it into an article...
oh...
wait...
Ron
the ability
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Posted: 8/14/2006 12:25:18 PM
to piss cocaine. I mean, even if youre not into that sort of thing, your set for life money wise. although it might be hard to walk around with lindsay lohan hanging off your junk all the time. probably not the worst side effect possible.
Alan
How about
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Posted: 8/14/2006 1:18:18 PM
How about being able to talk your friends out of seeing an Adam Sandler movie?
m
the most usefull superpower
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Posted: 8/15/2006 12:15:46 AM
would have to be the ability to consume huge amounts of alcohol without getting a hangover...but it makes you shit Krugerrands and piss SuperUnleaded.
Unfortunately this Hero would be completely powerless against electric or fuel-cell powered villains.
Los Angeles
buenos tardes
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Posted: 8/16/2006 11:00:07 PM
inviting the comment section to add to my bloated gas, instead of using razor sharp wit to gas-x this bullshit.
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