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The patriotic-ist symbol ever.
WASHINTON, D.C.—The Department of Homeland Security released a disturbing report yesterday concerning the safety of Americans. Created in the wake of 9/11, the job of the Department of Homeland Security is to guarantee the absolute safety of every single American—except Americans driving automobiles. 50,000 traffic deaths a year and over 1.9 million injuries should not be a concern to Americans, we should only worry about terrorists.
“’Homeland’ is not a term we borrowed from the Third Reich, it’s just a nice word for nation or national,” reported Homeland Security Überswantzfürer Adam Bilslow at a press conference. “And this? Don’t worry about this. It’s just a little moustache. Do you like my new boots? Pretty shiny, ain’t they?”
In spite of the new department, and the billions of dollars that have been allocated for security, the nation seems to be at greater risk than ever. The report listed the following threats to American citizens:
-More Americans than ever before are running while carrying scissors.
Observe proper panic procedures.
-Little kids rarely wait at least 20 minutes after eating to go swimming.
-Diving in the shallow end is up 75%.
-Few people close the cover before striking a match.
-In spite of the repeated warnings that “beer and whiskey, mighty risky,” the sale of boilermakers has been skyrocketing in taverns across the homeland.
Along with these appalling violations of homeland security, the department also noted that horseplay is up 55% over the past 3 years. According to a departmental rumor, a child of a friend of one of the department employees’ sister lost an eye in a flagrant violation of playground security regulations. It’s not so funny anymore, is it? “Keep screwing around like this and we’ll have to take some drastic measures,” warned Überstankmeïster Bilslow. “This little thing? Don’t worry about this. It’s just a little armband I picked up at a gun show. Cool, huh?” When asked about what sort of drastic measures the department was considering, Bilslow mentioned that he hadn’t ruled out the possibility of canceling recess entirely.
He also suggested that much of the schoolyard “monkeying around” was undoubtedly the work of foreign insurgents. “American children know better than to go down a slide head-first. These are obviously al Qaeda operatives inciting our kids to perform illegal and unsafe acts.” While cross-referencing elementary school after-school detention lists, Bilslow mentioned that he found such names as Omar and Ali. “I’ll let you jump to your own conclusions.”
The Department of Homeland Security issued a warning that bubble baths are a privilege—not a right—of American children, and if foreign mercenaries continue to splash water out of the tub, creating potentially-fatal slippery floors, Mister Bubble will go the way of toenail clippers on airline flights. “Pardon the pun but a few bad apples may compel me to “pull the plug” on bubble baths. While I’m at it I have decided to declare martial law and impose a 5 p.m. curfew across the homeland. I’m doing this for your own good, people. Just last week Homeland Security agents had to shoot a kid who didn’t have a light on his bike. Upon further investigation it turned out he did have a light but our SWAT team sniper couldn't tell if the light was on because the bright afternoon sun was in his eyes.” Bilslow then threw what appeared to be a ‘high five’ to no one in particular and then walked jerkily away from the podium.
Hand to God, this was a headline in a Philadelphia newspaper- the same city that is currently shattering the record for homicides in a year. It goes on to say that historically there are 5 deaths per year but this year they already have TEN! Forget Al Queda, this needs to be addressed!
antony
i liked the
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Posted: 9/13/2006 10:57:06 AM
beginning when you compared the DHS to Nazi's, but probably not for the same reason that you thought it was funny...other than that, this article was just pretty awful. best of luck with the next write! seig hei....er, go team america, ja!
D. Rumsfeld
Communist
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Posted: 9/13/2006 11:18:13 AM
You, sir, are giving aid and comfort to the terrorists.
As George Bush told Matt Lauer, we are keeping Al-Queda from killing your family. And the means we are using are "within the law." We aren't going to tell you what those means are, and even though the ones that have leaked out clearly violate International Law, our lawyers have told us they are "withing the law." That's good enough for us, and it's gonna have to be good enough for you.
Shame on you, sir, for pointing out that the threat of harm from a terrorist attack is less than one-one hundredth of one percent than that of being killed by a fellow American exercising his "right to bear arms."
That's un-American. Now, in addition to your home computer, your work computer, your home phone, your work phone, your cell phone, your mail, your TV, your home and your office, we are going to be bugginh your car, too.
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