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Ready to kick some Saturn's ass
Hey Darryl, nice Neon. No, seriously, it's super sweet; is that a racing stripe? Wow, you even put a spoiler on the back. Are you a hardcore racer or are you just trying to impress the local middle school girls? You certainly did a lot of decorating, because it looks fast. Are all those stickers on it evidence of custom shop work, or did you get them from the machine outside Wal-Mart? I thought I saw a couple of those in the one next to the “Homies”.
Really man, that exhaust is pretty shiny, and you say it cost how much? You must have put in a lot of overtime at the Taco Bell. How else could you afford this vintage ’96, plus that new chrome exhaust? Will that “Lawnmower Sound” pass the emissions test, or is it there to merely accentuate the 4-banger engine? To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know that all four cylinders worked at the same time on one of those. I must have made the incorrect assumption that they were built for economy. Neons just always reminded me of George Jetson’s spaceship, but if you say it’s a sports car, I’ll believe you.
Does that say
What do you race for, pink slips? Probably not- you’d be riding your Huffy to work for a while to recover from that loss. Besides, would anyone really consider that a fair deal? I guess they shouldn’t be too worried. Oh, I’m not questioning you’re skill as a racer- I’m sure you’ve seen The Fast and the Furious hundreds of times. In fact, I bet anyone in a Saturn or Hyundai gets pretty intimidated when you pull that beast up next to them at a stoplight. Especially with that system you’ve got pumping. Nothing says “cool guy coming through” like a rattling trunk. Surely the freshman cheerleaders cream themselves everyday when you repeatedly cruise past their practices.
Plan B
What’s that, you say? You spent more on the amp and speakers than you did modifying the engine and drive train? I never would have guessed. But seriously, that’s great quality sound; I can almost hear the lyrics over the rattling. Is that T.I. or Chingy? I can never tell the difference.
Anyway, your ride’s fucking sweet, my man. I love the tinted windows and the fact that you keep assuring me that it keeps the cops from seeing what you’re up to. Having all your window’s tinted to the max isn’t suspicious at all above the Mason-Dixon Line. Why are you looking at me funny? You see, the Mason-Dixon Line divided…look, never mind, it’s not like a little history lesson is going to help you work a fryer.
So what cool stuff do you have going on behind the tinted glass?Cruising and drinking? That sounds like a great idea. It’s just a question; but did you drop out of middle or high school? Oh, no shit. Anyway what do you need me to pick up for you? Good, you’ve got a list, huh. Four bottles of Boone’s Farm and a six-pack of Bacardi Silver. Look, Darryl, I’m sorry I can’t help you out.
it's a well known fact that chinese letter stickers on your car adds 10-15 HP.
antony
swizzle
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Posted: 8/24/2006 10:25:15 AM
great article, everytime i hear one of these giant vacuum cleaners creeping up behind me, i feel the urge to break test them. my hope is that, as it slides under the back of my truck, the lowered tailgate will decapitate the asshole behind the wheel.
coho
What, no Hemi?
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Posted: 8/24/2006 1:04:36 PM
There's nothing quite as sad as $2500 worth of tires and wheels on an $1800 car. But that can be mitigated if you have enough BadBoy, NoFear and CalvinPissing decals. And yes, they're in the machine next to the Homies.
chris h
ghetto fabulous article!
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Posted: 8/24/2006 2:42:08 PM
taking your car to Pep Boys to get it all "pepped out" is probably one of the most ghetto fabulous things you can do to any midsize/compact American-made vehicle.
curb finders, bubble reflectors, air fresheners, chrome-colored spinning plastic rims, AC Delco stickers, dash mounted tachometer, Octane Booster, etc... all can be found at your local VatoZone or PepBoys.
good article. i am sure you can find hundreds of "custom" vehicles to bag on, but the Neon is pretty fucking funny dude. nice photo of the car. just wish the story was a few more paragraphs longer.
HMK
Oh my god
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Posted: 8/24/2006 3:29:50 PM
I know this guy, I know this guy... total tool. I am just glad they don't actually show up at track events.
Very funny stuff!
Tay
F&TF FTW
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Posted: 8/25/2006 2:46:11 PM
I sport a 4 cylinder sleeper that looks as stock as possible, these douche bags ricing out their craptastic mobiles just make it easier for me to take money from the mullet mobiles, and euro trash!!! So rock on ricers, keep people under the impression that a 4 banger can’t be made fast!!!
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