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Fill the seats once again
To Mr. Jeffery Luria, Owner of the Florida Marlins Professional Baseball Club:
Let me begin by offering my condolences on what looks to be another winning & competitive season for your ball club. I understand that it is very difficult to force the taxpayers of Miami to build you a new stadium when you keep making runs at the playoffs, without drawing any crowds to your current complex. Naturally that new manager, Mr. Girardi, must be fired, because this level of success cannot be tolerated.
It may also be time to ship Mr. Willis and Mr. Cabrera off to a team with no decent prospects to give you in return. Kansas City is a viable option. I’ve seen this problem before in a movie called Major League; you may be familiar with it. An owner fills the roster with unknowns in order to lower the attendance, break the lease with the city, and move the team to Miami. Of course you’re already in Miami, so maybe you should think of another strategy. I sincerely hope that Joe Girardi doesn’t have a cardboard cut-out of you in the locker room.
You need to consider whom you are trying to blackmail into paying for this new stadium. Nobody cared about the Marlins when they were winning World Series titles, so why should anyone care if you threaten to move the team? The majority of the population of Miami has moved to the region because they’re either elderly & retired, or they got tired of rowing. This makes it hard to secure a fan base, because your audience either goes to sleep before your night games start, or can’t afford a television to watch the Marlins. Since you seem to be stuck with your current stadium, perhaps you should embrace the population of Miami and recruit yourself a fan base from its vibrant, baseball-loving community.
Here I have outlined my proposal to you:
- Allow tens of thousands of illegal immigrants to live inside the stadium.
Aren’t you tired of seeing all of those empty seats? And what about paying all those stadium employees that ridiculously high minimum wage? By allowing illegal immigrants to live in the stadium for a nominal fee, say $1 a day; you can secure yourself a fan base and a workforce. Let the concession and security workers stay at the stadium for free. It will be well deserved after they spend 81 games serving nachos and hotdogs to their fellow immigrant masses. Major League Baseball will love this idea, because they’ve looking for a way to exploit foriegn nations for years. Another bonus is the fact that the field will always look fantastic because you’ll have the best grounds-crew in the majors. And you know that some of those guys have talent for the game, so…
Your new bullpen car
- At the end of the season have your live-in fans tryout for next year’s team.
Why pay 13.5 million for a contender when you can pay the league minimum to 25 guys (25 x $327,000 = 8.1 million), and still be better than the Pittsburgh Pirates? Your general manager has proven to be an effective talent scout, but even he couldn’t build a contender from these prospects. The highly-touted Cuban prospects continually flop in the majors, so these less experienced recruits will guarantee you a last place finish in the NL East every season. Just pray that you don’t get realigned into the NL Central.
It has come to my attention that the Miami Dolphins share your stadium and might not approve of this proposal. Since the baseball and football seasons overlap for a month or two, and because the Dolphins actually sell tickets to the general public, we’ll need a place to house your new fans while the Dolphins play on Sunday…
- Build a giant Catholic Church in the parking lot of the ballpark.
How does Our Lady of Guadeloupe Cathedral at Dolphins Stadium sound to you? Hell, why not make some extra cash by selling naming rights for it. Our Lady of Guadeloupe Church brought to you by Jose Cuervo, or First Church of Corona. Every Sunday the stadium will be free of immigrants so the legal citizens of Miami, and the last remaining ’72 Dolphins, can enjoy another playoff-less season of football. As an added bonus, during baseball season you can court Miami’s other potential fan base by shuttling in old folks for Sunday afternoon games.
You'll need a lot of praying to get this team to .500
Hopefully these ideas can help you in your quest to destroy Major League Baseball in Florida. Remember, it’s not always about money, sometimes it’s about the will to do what the Devil Rays won’t.
now i hate you and jeb bush...tu pinche maricon. tu come la verga grande y mucho culos de maricones. the 'neon sports car' thing was good though.
Jeff A.
simply...
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Posted: 9/11/2006 1:18:29 PM
Exchange front office personnel with the Pittsburgh Buccos. Soon you'll know the joys of watching scrappy, likeable white guys who can't hit home runs.
Tangent Guy
This Made Too Much Sense
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Posted: 9/11/2006 3:42:43 PM
to be funny.
(Just kiddin' - I loved it)
El Capitan
What about this?
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Posted: 9/11/2006 5:45:47 PM
HEY EL GUAPO! I love The Three Amigos movie...could we project that on the side of the church...like drive-in style?That would be so great...I think I love you, Jeb Bush.
Max Davidson
pres.
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Posted: 9/15/2006 12:00:29 PM
Congratulations! Yellow journalism lives! The inaccuracies in your article and your general misunderstanding of the situation with the Marlins is a masterpiece for its completeness. (You even spelled his name wrong!)
Yankee fan
Wow, worst article ever
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Posted: 9/15/2006 4:11:27 PM
Way to defecate on perhaps one of the more amazing baseball stories of the year: a team that pays less money to its entire team then the Yanks pay Jeter and they are still in it. Think for a second (i know it is difficult), team wants a new stadium as they play in a stadium that was built for Football only. The Latino mayor stonewalls any new deal unless his Latin cronies can get in on the new deal. L-O-R-I-A (looks like you did a lot of research for this article) rightly tells mayor where to put it and now all of a sudden the city doesn't want a brand new stadium that will create jobs, city revenue and groundswell of support. ( see Camden yards, Jacobs, Safeco fields). So my questions are, did Loria (thats with an O) wrong you in a past life? Are you aware that Willis and Cabrera are still on the team and unless some other team (Red Sox - Beckett for Ramirez and Sanchez) is really stupid they will NEVER EVER BE TRADED. last question; When did you graduate from the University of the Galatically Stupid!?
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