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Any Time Now.
By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. Or maimed. Or maybe just napping. I’m really not sure. I’m kind of playing it by ear.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely going to kill myself. Crippling depression coupled with the sad realization that my life will never rise above the level of mediocre has solidified my decision to shed this earthly coil ASAP. But it seems like every time I try to end it all, something comes up.
I really meant to do it this past week but I got pretty wrapped up in the NCAA semis and I wanted to see how that panned out. But as soon as they were over (Let's go Cardinals!) I was ready to end this charade I call life when suddenly, “Superman 2” came on TNT.
“Superman 2” is by far my favorite in the series. That’s the one with General Zod and his two cohorts from Krypton, and Lois finds out that Clark is Superman (duh). A lot of people prefer “Superman 3” with Richard Pryor but that one’s too jokey for me.
I heard they’re making a new “Superman” and originally they were talking about casting Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. What?! Are you kidding me!? Come on Hollywood!
But anyways, I got really into that, and by the time the movie was over it was pretty late, so I decided to “do the deed” the next day.
So when I woke up that morning, I was like, “Alright Mike, it’s go time”, and I went downstairs to get a knife. But when I got to the kitchen I realized that I was pretty hungry and decided to grab a bite, because hey, even guys on death row get a last meal!
I remembered that I had a twenty dollar gift certificate for the IHOP. I won it by calling into Classic Rock 98.5 and answering the Lunch Time Drive-In Trivia Question, “what band first recorded the Paul McCartney penned song, “Come and Get it”? (Badfinger).
So I went down to the IHOP and PIGGED OUT! I figured, why not? No need to stick to the South Beach at this point! It was sooooooo good! (Mike+Strawberry Filled Pancakes+Butter Pecan Syrup=Happy!) But as soon as I was done, I rushed home to end my life.
I got back to the kitchen where, wouldn’t you know it, there was not a clean knife in the place. They were all in the dishwasher, which had just finished it’s cycle and was waiting to be emptied. Now, my roommates and I have a little rule in our house. The first one to use a clean dish out of the dishwasher has to empty it. And I always end up getting stuck doing it! Nate and Chad would just let it sit there forever if they had their way. And I have a sneaking suspicion that they frequently use a clean dish and then just lock it back up and wait for “Mike the Sucker” to empty it anyways.
Zod and That Lady
Well I refused to have my last act on earth be emptying the dishwasher, so I decided to find another way to abandon my mortal vessel.
Then I remembered that famous people like to kill themselves by eating a bunch of pills. So I figured that might be kind of a cool way to go. I started scrounging around the house for some drugs. Unfortunately, all that I could track down were five Tylenol PM, four Immodium AD and a handful of Sucrets. Not exactly what you would consider a lethal combo, but I figured I’d give it a shot anyways and I swallowed the whole gang.
As you probably guessed, the dose didn’t kill me, but for one reason or another it did make me crap like a madman! I was on the pot for so long that I was too tired when I got off to even think about committing suicide. So I decided to finish myself off the in the morning.
The next day, I planned to kill myself by parking my car in my garage and leaving the engine running, the way a young John Cusack tried to do it in the cult 80’s movie “Better Off Dead”. Which still holds up as pretty funny flick even though it’s really dated. Check it out.
So I pulled the old Tempo into the garage and anticipated that the next voice I heard would be that of St. Peter, welcoming me to Paradise.
Instead, it was my neighbor Steve, with whom we share a garage. He was doing some work on his fence and wanted to borrow my post-hole digger. I told him that was fine and we both went back about our business. Unfortunately, Steve was in and out of the garage so much getting tools that the carbon-monoxide kept escaping. So after six hours, not only was I not dead, I was low on gas and had a killer headache. I went back inside, cheated by death once again. I went to bed with my head pounding and no relief in sight as I had taken all the Tylenol PM the night before. (When it rains it pours!)
So here I am now. Poised to leap off of the Rocky River Metropark bridge. Ready to plummet into the sweet abyss that is eternity. But you know, now that I really look at it, this might not be high enough of a jump to kill me.
I had thought about driving to the Independence Overpass bridge. Now that baby’s high! That definitely would have done it. But it’s kind of far and I would have had to stop to get gas. ($2.21 a gallon, F-That!).
Wish I Had One!
I just called down to some kids who were fishing below me and they answered. That probably means I’m not high enough.
Oh elusive Grim Specter of Death, when will you finally harvest this wayward soul!?
It’s cold up here. I think I’ll mosey home and watch some E! Network.
Mike I had the exact same thing happen to me this week. I also found out how good the brakes are on city buses, how some people will try to stop you from jumping in front of a train and that no matter what happens no beard in the world can convey how you feel. Rock on Mike. The afterlife is kinda dull anyway. I'll see you all in hell. Oh wait. Some of us are already there. The time is now 12:43 am EST.
Big Ed
count me in too
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Posted: 4/1/2005 5:39:22 AM
Hell will be fun with all of us there! I call topsies on Polk for a game of chicken, waste deep in hell lava!
Cindy
Funny Shit!!
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Posted: 4/1/2005 8:55:32 AM
Cracked my ass up!!!
dre
Mr.
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Posted: 4/1/2005 12:39:44 PM
Dude, there is nothing funny about suicide. It takes away from some of your articles which are otherwise not that bad I realize you live in Ohio, and from your photo you appear to be kind of an ugly dude, but either do it or don't write about it.
regina
hmmmm
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Posted: 4/1/2005 12:50:00 PM
your persistent suicide references make me uncomfortable. isn't this a comedy site?
NADO
Murr
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Posted: 4/1/2005 12:59:05 PM
shut the fuck up you fuckin retard. Stop looking for attention, grow up and get a job like everyone else. Everyone's got it hard not just you. Grow up Dick!
Will
Dr.
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Posted: 4/1/2005 1:03:03 PM
Yes, I'll admit that suicide isn't usually the funniest thing in the world. However, anything can be funny if the proper angle is taken. That shit is funny!
matt
Sucide the last great ha-ha
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Posted: 4/1/2005 1:49:12 PM
Mike,
Suicide is funny, especially the people that fail. I mean what a loser if you can't even take your own life. Sylvia Plath comes to mind, she had several failed attempts, but I think it was the old head in the oven that finally finsished her off. That way you don't have neighbors letting out the sweet fumes of eternal sleep. The only people that don't think it's funny are the same ass clowns that have tried it or know someone who has. That or they find life a sprecious journey instead of this reality where every minute is an attempt to extend are meager existence. And in that way then it goes to the whole PCism: "Oh we msutn't talk about moneky's on acid, for Judy here was molested by them at the tender age of 6!" "I didn't know. . . i'm sorry!!" "Go to hell!" So kudos and I mean the praise noit the deliciously sweet choclate granola bar) to your pseudo suicide note.
Some Guy
ugg
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Posted: 4/1/2005 1:52:48 PM
I wish you had killed yourself half way through this piece of shit.
reading the whole thing just made me want to either end it... or end you.
Poop
Immodium AD stops pooping
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Posted: 4/1/2005 2:59:25 PM
If you took Immodium AD, you wouldn't poop at all. The AD stands for Anti-DIarrheyahl (SP?)
Other than that, I guess your article is okay. It's too bad that you're feeling so low, but at least you have enough creative energy to put this column together.
I wouldn't end it just yet. Think it over... maybe you would be a good fry cook or something. It's not a bad life. I think OH still has some industrial jobs. Maybe you could replace one of the broken down robots at a local factory.
Don't worry. Life will get good again. You just have to know where to look.
If it doesn't... try the old bag over the head trick. You must have some plastic grocery bags around the house. Make sure they don't have any holes, though, or if you want just use two or three. That should do the trick. My friend told me asphyxiation (SP?) is a good way to go.
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