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The Victim
No officer, I’m not certain exactly how fast I was going. Yes, I know that the speed limit is 35 through here. No I don’t think that I’m “Jeff Gordon” sir. I really just wasn’t paying very close attention to my speed, and for that, I apologize. And if I may sir, I’d also like to take this opportunity to say that I’m sorry for whatever happened to you as a child that caused you to become such a colossal prick cop.
Now please, don’t get upset sir. Let me explain.
Kids can be cruel. Adolescence is such an awkward and formative period in our lives. And the physical and/or mental abuse that you obviously sustained during that time has evidently had dramatic effects on your self-esteem, character and self-image. This has rendered you little more than an insecure, vindictive douchebag on a power trip. And that’s totally understandable!
What’s that sir? “That’s enough?” You’re darn right “That’s enough” officer! For too long we adults have ignored the major issue that is bullying and the long lasting psychological effects that it is capable of causing our children!
Case in point, let’s just take a look at you sir. As you’re extremely overweight now, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you were also a fat child. Normal kids probably picked on you mercilessly and called you names like “Lard-ass” and “Sir Porksalot”. And that’s not right. And on behalf of attractive, slender people everywhere, I just want to say that we’re sorry.
What was that sir? I’m “Out of line”? Yes sir, I am “Out of line”! The whole damned system is out of line! I give partial blame to the school systems for not addressing your apparent “special needs”. Of course you were going to get picked on for being slower than the other kids! Just listen to yourself! You can barely string a proper sentence together.
But that’s nothing that could not have been worked out in a friendly environment filled with your mental peers. Think how grand it would have been for you to spend the whole school day in a special classroom with your intellectual equals making things with elbow macaroni and clay. Now that would have been a nurturing environment! Instead you had to endure constant insults from your cruel, mentally proficient school mates merely because you’re borderline retarded.
“Get out of the car?” Yes, I will indeed “Get out of the car” sir. Because I know one police officer that has an apology hug coming his way on behalf of smart, good looking people with normal sized penises everywhere.
Oh now, there’s no need to deny it sir. Your face says it all. It’s quite apparent that one too many women have outright laughed at the sight of what is certainly your childlike genitalia. What other reason could you possibly have for being such an enormous Handjob of a man?
Yes, I will put my hands behind my back. That is no problem whatsoever. But while I do, let me just sum up what we’ve established here today:
Shiny Asshole License
You’re a moronic, fat, needle-dicked bastard, who likes to intimidate people to make himself feel better about his own pathetic existence. And, as you were too stupid, unlikable and untalented to obtain authority and respect by earning it, you went to cop school for two months and now torment better people than yourself all day out of spite for fun. Is that about right?
I’m going to take that nightstick to my throat as a “Yes”. Okay great, I think we’ve made some real progress here today. I appreciate your candor.
Oh look, some more police cars are pulling up. And it appears that these fellows all have nightsticks as well. I suppose I owe each of them an apology too. Let the healing begin!
That was right on the money -- can you believe these guys have TASER's now? That's like giving machineguns to 18-year-olds and shipping them over to a desert somewhere to fight brown people, I mean 'terror.' Why do we allow the stupid to become armed? Nice article once again, Mr. Polk.
PNF
Blahhh!!!
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Posted: 4/11/2005 11:43:33 AM
I don't know I went to school and recieved a Computer Sciences degree, now I work for a major company in a very routine, borring IT job for little pay rotting in a cubicle. I know a friend of mine who basically was drunk and high from 15 - 26 then became a Cop. Now he makes more than I do, works like 35 hours a week, and he'll retire in 17 years, with 75% pay, all this without going to college or even holding down a job for the better part of a decade out of high school. I think I'm the moron...
Patrick Burrell
cops
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Posted: 4/11/2005 4:52:51 PM
Why is it all cop cars and badges and what not say "to serve and protect"? Thats some bullshit. If they were serving and protecting, then normal folks wouldn't be so afraid of them all the time. Think about it, everytime a cop pulls in behind you, you start thinking about what you are doing wrong, even though you're not doing shit. This article hits the nail on the head.
Skrid jr
Cops
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Posted: 4/11/2005 10:58:45 PM
This story validates my friend Forrest's "Second String High School Quarterback That Never Got In the Game" theory about cops. On a side not, I kind of miss the days when all cops had mustaches and wore gold-framed , mirrored Ray-Ban Aviators. The Nazi Youth haircut with Oakley sunglass look that they all sport now just isn't the same. At least they still all look the same. Typical Cops episode: white trash guy: "We aint doin' nothin' wrong, we was drinkin' an' I didn't give her no cigarette when she asked me fer one so the bitch started swingin' so I protected myself n' hit her back an' then..." Cop: "Get down! GET DOWN! NOW!!!" White trash guy: "I ain't done nothin'..." Cop: "I SAID GET ON THE GROUND!!!" Pulls out Taser white trash guy:"she hit me..." TASER, TAZER, TAZER white trash guy: "AHHHH, AAAAHHHHH, ALRIGHT STOP, STOP AHHHH, AAAAHHHHH" drops to ground, pisses pants Cop:" I WARNED YOU TO GET DOWN! NOW TURN OVER ON TO YOU STOMACH AND LAY FLAT. Put your...DO IT NOW OR I'LL DO IT AGAIN!" white trash guy: "I'M GETTIN' DOWN! (BEEP) man, that hurts don'...ALRIGHT, I'M GETTIN' DOWN" etc.
Tom A
Indeed, Skrid Jr
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Posted: 4/12/2005 1:34:00 PM
and that's when they're being filmed (and they know it), AND what's left after editing.
RC
To Protect and Serve
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Posted: 4/12/2005 2:37:09 PM
"Service" is not even in a cop's vocabulary and "Protect"??? Just ask anybody with a court-signed restraining order whether a cop has protected them.
That's why I carry at all times. Better to be judged by 12 than buried under 6.
Oh...you thought I was driving too slow so you cut me off and now you're exiting your car at the stoplight and walking towards me? (me reaching into glove compartment)...
Bill Hemmer
assholes
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Posted: 4/12/2005 5:23:45 PM
Y'all are brutalizin' me! Y'all are brutalizin' me!
Seriously, small town cops are the worst, because not only do you get the normal I-have-something-to-prove cop attitude, you get the I-grew-up-in-a-shitty-small-town-and-didn't-have-the-balls-to-leave cop attitude.
SA
SA
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Post #: 9
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Posted: 4/12/2005 7:00:04 PM
but in the end, when the @#$& hits the fan and you're hiding under the bed in urine soaked pajamas..... oh, NOW you want the help of the police? I thought so.
Sera
Agreed.
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Posted: 4/12/2005 7:44:53 PM
Honestly, Small town cops are the worst. Especially when you know half of them. They still think they are better then you. Half of the police force in my town grew up with and smoked pot on my back porch, and now they act like their shit is coming up roses and they never did anything wrong. It's such a joke.
The worst having to be, one particular kid I went to high school with got caught robbing an animal clinic for ketaset/ketamine. He went through the coastguard afterward and is now a town cop. Can someone please tell me how you go from stealing cat/primate tranquilizers to sell and snort up your nose to making upwards of $50,000G's a year?
Where is the sign up sheet, I think I feel some old surpressed memories of High School coming back to me, I think I was repressed....
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