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I feel like these guys when I hear certain lyrics
Sometimes music gives us the opportunity to mentally disappear from our current situation. Sometimes it facilitates our desires to hurl ourselves into a drug induced bender. And then there are those songs that, for years on end, you sing but never REALLY analyze the words. Until now.
Notorious B.I.G. - Juicy
"Phone bill about 2 g's flat. No need to worry, my accountant handles that."
Two thousand dollars for a monthly phone bill?! That is wildly inappropriate no matter how you look at it. I got two words for Biggie, 'Anytime Minutes'. I have unlimited minutes for $99/month. Who on earth is he ringing up on a daily basis? Does he just call a rural village in Indo-China and fall asleep with the phone on his ear...EVERYDAY? And I have to imagine that he did most of his calling in the non-peak hours since during the day it sounded like he was preoccupied with either smoking weed, having sex or killing people. I think this so-called accountant of his is taking him for a ride.
Outfield - (I don't want to lose) Your Love (tonight)
"I ain't got many friends left to talk to; no one's around when I'm in trouble. You know I'd do anything for you; Stay the night but keep it undercover."
This guy's got some nerve. I have never seen a more desperate/asshole lyric in my life. He's got no friends left in life and no family even comes by when he's in the slammer or getting surgery or something. And yet he's telling this spineless girl that he would do anything for her but if she comes over...she can't tell anyone!? How hideous is this girl that a guy with no friends or family has the gumption to give her a booty call but wants to make sure that she doesn't tell anyone? God forbid this low life with no friends loses his reputation!
Elton John - Rocket Man
"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids; in fact it's cold as hell; And there's no one there to raise them if you did."
What? Hey Elton, thanks for letting us know that an uninhabitable and unpopulated planet with no known food or water reserves isn't the best place to raise a family. And yes it is pretty chilly there. It can get down to -200 degrees Fahrenheit. Let's stick with earth for now.
Billy Joel - Piano Man
"There's an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin. He says, son can you pay me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes. But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man's clothes."
So some drunk old guy wants Billy to play an old song but the guy can't remember what it is to save his life. He tells Billy that he once knew every word, as if that helps the current situation. The only clues he can give is that it's sad and it's sweet. Perfect. That narrows it down, old man.
Bel Biv DeVoe - Do Me
"You can do me in the morning. You can do me in the night. You can do me when you want to do me."
BBD, this isn't revolutionary. I'm pretty sure women know how we are hard wired. You don't have to spell it out for them. They know that we want sex all the time. Giving her the green light to have sex with you whenever she's in the mood isn't what she meant when she said that she wanted you to do nice things for her. I like where your head's at though. If women thought the way we did, there would be 55 billion people, the world would be on fire and we would still be using stone tools and living in grass huts.
Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl
"And I'm looking in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me. I've been funny. I've been cool with the lines. Ain't that the way love is supposed to be?"
See ladies, no guy wants to just be your friend. Not even your boyfriend's best friend! Even HE'S wondering why the hell you won't have sex with him. He has no idea what you see in his friend. He's tried to make you laugh and even dropped some innuendos during those awkward third wheel dinners. What the fuck is the problem, ladies? Doesn't this guy deserve some play? I thought that is what love was!
Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough
"Nothing's true and nothing's right. So let me be alone tonight. Cause you can't change the way I am...I have a face I cannot show. I make the rules up as I go. Just try and love me if you can. Are you strong enough to be my man? Lie to me. I promise I'll believe"
FUCK THAT! You're cranky. You want to be alone. You shun any advice I try to give and yet you remain ashamed of yourself. You admit that you're wholly inconsistent in your emotions and logic, yet you want me to lie to your face. And I'm supposed to love you through that mishmash? Sorry Sheryl, get your shit together.
The Police - De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da
"De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da. That's all I want to say to you."
That's all you want to say to me? What does that even mean? If someone called me over and said " De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da" and then walked away acting like they got their point across, I would probably chase them down and shove them in the back. How is this even a song? And why have we all been singing it for years? Amazing
Will Smith - Getting Jiggy Wit It
"See me on the 50 yard line at the Raiders. Met Ali, he told me I'm the greatest."
50-yard line at a Raider game huh? You're the fool I sold the tickets to. The only sporting even LESS exciting would be an Oakland A's game. But knock yourself out. And there is no way Ali said that. You can't ask a man with Parkisnson's disease, " Am I the greatest?" and think that his head bobbing means �yes'. You're a sick man, Will.
Mims - This Is Why I'm Hot
"I'm hot cause I'm fly, you ain't cause you not."
Memphis BLeek is now smoking this much more than he used to
What are you, 5? This argument has about as much logic and support to its argument as: I know you are but what am I? How about this Mims? You're a fucking douchebag because you're a fucking douchebag.
And here are some more from the world of rap because rap music boggles my mind.
Notorious B.I.G - I Gotta Story to Tell
"This song goes out to all them niggas that be fucking mad bitches in other nigga's cribs."
Goodness. Most people have songs dedicated to them for inspiring the songwriter at some point in their lives to dream to be greater than average and to see the world in a different light. Shit, R.E.M once told us that, " This one goes out to the one I love." Biggie, on the other hand, is dedicating this song to those gentlemen who sneak into residences which are not their own and proceed to have sex with the female occupant while her significant other is off at work presumably. Desperate Housewives is thinking of playing the song in its intro.
Memphis Bleek - in Jay Z's Coming of Age
"Plus I'm puffing like an ounce more than I used to puff."
The only question that comes to mind when I hear this is...How much did he USED to puff if: (Previous amount + 1 ounce) = current consumption amount. That seems a little excessive if you ask me. If an ounce of weed nets you about 60 joints, and assuming that he was indeed smoking some amount of pot before (no self respecting man goes from smoking zero pot to 60 joints in a small period of time), that means that he is smoking AT LEAST 61 joints in the same amount of time as he previously did. Memphis, I hope you don't need synapse function or any fast twitch muscles anytime soon and I hope you have munchies stocked in your place that would rival apocalyptic preparation levels, my friend.
John Forte - in Wyclef Jean's 99 Red Balloons (Remix)
"I wear three condoms out in Brazil."
Now I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but if you are drunk and partying in Brazil and you choose to knock up a local flavor and still have the wherewithal and patience to actually wrap three condoms around your penis, you already know that a) she probably isn't the most kempt woman on the planet and b) your penis couldn't even trick your brain into thinking she was. So whaddya say you just call it a night and go rub one out back in the hotel? Choosing to wear three condoms means that you already think that her vagina has teeth and spits hydrochloric acid venom. It's really not worth the risk and it's really not something you should be bragging about.
Cam'ron - Down and Out
"I'll kill you, shoot the funeral up, and Harlem Shake at your wake."
Ok, that is probably the most disrespectful shit I've ever heard a man say. So let me get this straight. You are going to kill a man in seemingly premeditated fashion and following the first degree murder, you aren't going to hang low to work on your alibi. Instead, you are going to appear at the wake, wait in line with those paying respects to the man you shot and with his grandmother crying next to the coffin, you are going to pull a P Diddy Harlem shoulder shake? Man, you got some stones. Most would think that that would be enough as far as defaming the guy but no, you take it a step further. You show up at the man's funeral and open fire on his friends and family. Cam'ron makes Tony Soprano look like Desmond Tutu.
DMX - Bring Your Whole Crew
"I got blood on my hands and there's no remorse. I got blood on my dick cause I fucked a corpse."
Wow. Ok, I have not taken many criminal law classes and one cannot refer to me as 'Esquire' and yet I'm pretty sure that DMX has hinted at the fact that he has just broken a few federal laws. He's not as smearing as say, Cam'ron, but he is just as calculating. Is he sorry? No, he doesn't really feel bad about killing whoever it was that he killed. In fact, he was feeling so good that necrophilia seemed like a pretty good idea! Remember DMX, you already informed us in a previous song that this in fact was NOT a fucking game, so how about you tone down the capital crimes?
Redman - in De la Soul's Ooh
"If you've never been shot or stabbed, let me hear you say, Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh."
If you are in a club and they play this song and you are the only one screaming 'ooh ooh ooh, ooh', chances are you have found yourself amongst a disparaging group of clientele from what you might be used to.
DJ Quick feat AMG - Can You Work With That
"She in the Doubletree suites with her hands on her hips, a look in her eye and a smile on her lips. It's that southern hospitality. That's my reality. We hit the waffle house and finished with some Alize."
So if dancing for you in your room at the Doubletree followed by a jaunt to the Waffle House for some pancakes and a mini bottle of Alize nightcap is what girls consider Southern Hospitality, then sign me up!
R. Kelly - Make It Rain (Remix)
"You see I order one bottle then I fuck with one model, then I order more bottles, now I got more models!
That's right R! More input equals more output! Amazing how that works, right? So if you could pee on 4 chicks after drinking 2 beers, you could pee on 8 if you held it till you finished four.
R. Kelly - Make It Rain (Remix)
"I take a chick to my room like caveman."
For someone treading the questionable and legal line of sexual activity, you'd think that he would refrain from using a metaphor comparing his courting ability to someone who used to club things in the head and drag them behind him.
Busta Rhymes and his crew took all the hoes when they left too
Busta Rhymes on Joe Budden's - Fire
There's some hoes in this house Light that 'dro in tha house Smoke that 'dro in tha house Bring that doe in this house Where dem hoes in this house?
Note to self: Never invite Busta Rhymes to one of your house parties.
Posts: 2987 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Sylacauga, AL
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:16:15 AM
I try to find something good to say about every post because I know the writer is putting himself out there in a way that my snarky posts can't even sniff. But I thought this was really weak. Not even as good as the "Creepy Lyrics" article.
With that written, a couple notes.
I think the girl in the Outfield song is underage. That's why it's on the down-low.
A friend of mine's first house was next to either Bel, Biv or Devoe. Doesn't really matter which. Property values plummeted. That's just a joke.
That REM song really isn't very tender: "a simple prop to occupy my time..."
I will try to use that DMX line today in conversation. Wish me luck.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 6/23/2008 10:46:03 AM
is it not ok to say that I kinda enjoyed this? It's coming too quickly on the heels of the creepy lyris aritcle, but still not a bad effort. Good thing no one can shit this comment.
Patrick - that's the early frontrunner for COD. Outstanding.
We got it in black and white that this dude listens to Sheryl Crow, Will Smith and Elton John. There's got to be some sugar in his tank.
"Hey kid, put that magazine down. The government has deemed that its pornographic and only to be read by people over 21 years of age because of its content. The government thinks that seeing stuff like that might affect you, and that you aren't ready for it.
"Here...pick up this copy of Guns and Ammo. That you can get at any age-"
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