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It’s summertime here in Northeast Ohio, which means that the weather is finally right for me to break out my Honda, strap on my leather chaps and hit the open road. Motorcycles are a passion of mine, and nothing makes me feel more like a man than cruising along with the wind in my hair, and the sound of my loud pipes rumbling my ears. Every once in a while, I’ll catch an angry look from some pedestrian or car driver, but what they fail to realize is that loud pipes are in important safety measure for any motorcyclist. Loud pipes save lives!
Now, I’m not one of those guys who just spouts off with his opinions without having a bit of personal experience to back it up. I’ve been riding for twelve years and I’ve been in more than my share of accidents. I guess I just live for danger. And it’s for that reason that I was always protect myself by using loud pipes.
For example, one time I was cruising down Lakeshore Boulevard with the sun on my face on a bandana on my forehead. With my loud pipes roaring I looked and sounded like a total badass. All of a sudden some suburbanite slob in a mini-van making a left turn off of Tyler darts right out in front of me. I hit him going thirty-four miles an hour and my front tire was bent in so much it looked like a capital “D”. I slammed into his passenger window and glass went all over my face. The doctor told me later that he picked out one-hundred and thirty-seven individual shards. I wanted to save them but the other driver insisted that they were technically his property. Jerk. Anyway, when the bandages came off I was so scarred-up I looked like a white version of Seal. I had to have some serious reconstructive surgery, and I’m here to tell you that I probably wouldn’t have survived if it weren’t for my loud pipes.
But loud pipes don’t just protect you in city traffic. They’re equally effective on the freeway. Once, as I was coming back from a trip to Parma to get the finishing touches put on my tattoo of Mr. Mxyzptlk, there was a pickup truck two lanes over from me going Northbound on I-271. He was transporting some snow tires, and didn’t have them tied down properly. The wind caught one of them and sent it flying off the bed of his truck, over the two lanes of traffic and into the abutment. I swerved, but it ricocheted and caught by back end. My head was scraped across the freeway for half a mile and the only things between my skull and the pavement were the Holy Spirit and my loud pipes.
So, the next time I’m out tooling around with the sun in my face and four cylinders between my legs and you find yourself stopped next to me at a traffic light, and I catch you making some snide remark about the noise, don’t be surprised if hold a hand up to my exposed ear and holler “What was that? I can’t hear you because of my loud pipes!”
That was the worst article ever. Not funny at all.
Jimmy
sweet article man
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Posted: 7/25/2005 8:03:32 AM
uhhh thanks for sharing
I have loud pipes too!
some dude
honda?
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Posted: 7/25/2005 9:35:58 AM
at least you didn't jump on the harley bandwagon. any middle aged dork who can afford 300 bucks a month, and any piece of clothing that says harley davidson can become an instant badass on his motorcycle. fuck those mid life crisis divorcee wanna be bikers.
Dave R
What is this?
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Posted: 7/25/2005 10:27:30 AM
What the hell did I just read?
Why did you write this and why would you write this?
Jack
Cmon
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Posted: 7/25/2005 11:03:43 AM
OK. Motorcylecs have loud pipes is a funny sentence for some reason but "loud pipes" can't carry an entire article.
Hoffa
huh?
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Posted: 7/25/2005 11:10:36 AM
I have absolutely no recollection of what I just read. Loud pipes? Why not write an article about soapstone or radishes? Im going back to sleep.
matt
Put this in your loud pipes
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Posted: 7/25/2005 11:18:56 AM
This article really sucked ass. At least you explained, in your article, why your face is so fucked up. This article was incoherent, uninteresting, and at no point came close to anything remotely resembling humor. I hope you die on your motorcycle and take all articles that you have written with you in a glorious blaze to burn over the Ohio night sky. I guess this is what happens when you don't rip an article from USA today. And if you did rip this one, kill the guy you ripped it from. Thanks
dave
ohh okay
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Posted: 7/25/2005 11:45:49 AM
Soooo Dave A, what in the fuck are you talking about?
Annoyed
you got to be kidding me
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Posted: 7/25/2005 12:38:57 PM
thanks for starting my monday of a shitty note. i am so angry that i read this entire article. i read your stuff only to hate myself later.
Mike
Lame
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Posted: 7/25/2005 1:22:23 PM
there was not one phrase in this whole piece of shit article that came remotely close to being funny. Maybe this is some kind of metaphorical expressionism for when you clean your boyfriend's pipes. The angry people you meet along the road are your embarrassed family members, the shards of glass that exploded in your face are you lovers white pee spurts. thanks for wasting my time.
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