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 | What's black and white
and red all over? |
According to reports, all members of the Sisters of Providence of the Blessed Virgin convent have synchronized their menstrual cycles. Though similar phenomena have been recorded in secular settings as far back as 1971, this marks the first time that a religious organization has publicly acknowledged the situation.
“I actually had the same thing happen to me back when I was a Kappa, so I didn’t freak out,” said Sister Mary Theresa, a twelve-year resident of the convent. “Some of the new girls who’ve led a more sheltered lifestyle have a really hard time adjusting, though. If I had a dollar for every novitiate who thought she’d had an immaculate conception when she was late getting her period during her second month here, we could cancel next month’s car wash.”
“Friday the 20th, behind the Wal-Mart,” she quickly added.
“It can be jarring,” agreed Sister Jacqueline Xavier, another senior resident. “When Sister Rosanna got her period early the first time, she actually thought she’d gotten stigmata in her vagina.”
The subtle change in the atmosphere at Sisters of Providence during this time has become apparent to outside observers as well. Fred Dolenz, a truck driver for Sysco systems who delivers some food items and cleaning supplies to the convent has noticed the trend on a number of occasions.
“I dread making that run on the third Tuesday, around the time when things get a little moister in the cloister,” he offered. “I tried suggesting to Sister Angelina that she just double her order and I could come every two weeks and skip that one. Unfortunately, I made the suggestion on the 23rd, so she wasn’t in a receptive mood, if you follow me.”
Some of the nuns clearly resent the troublesome biological condition.
“Our Lord and Savior suffered and bled for three days; we do it for five to seven. Having it be all of us at the same time certainly doesn’t help matters any.” Sister Theresa said. “I’m sure it’s all part of His infinite plan, but these cramps certainly don’t improve my quilting abilities. And laundry day is no picnic either.”
In addition to the usual reverence that older nuns enjoy because of their age, wisdom, and experience, the senior sisters at Sisters of Providence are also envied because they no longer have to cope with the harrowing experience.
“I was very thankful when I finally stopped getting my monthly visit from St. Flo,” explained Sister Frances Clementine. “There is no greater reward for a member of our order than when God takes away that monthly reminder of how pointless our reproductive system is.”
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