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Family Fun on the Fourth!
Do we ever get to vote on this whole Independence Day thing? I’m starting to really wonder if it’s all that it’s cracked up to be. When I look around these days I really have to ask myself, do I really want to be free like this, and am I really even free at all. Gas is $2.50 for the cheap stuff! I spend more at the grocery store on paper products, soaps, and condiments than I do on actual food. My rent is 672 times the amount that Christian Children’s Relief Fund keeps telling me can sustain a young girls life in a third world country for a year!
Being Mulatto, bi-racial, halfdroon, part black or whatever you want to call it I have to wonder if being a slave wouldn’t almost be better. I mean, at least then you got a place to live, friends to socialize with and a job that at least feeds you. As it is I have to work 2 or 3 jobs in America today just to make sure I can get those things, and some of my bosses have been bigger dicks than any slave driver you know. Plus being light-skinned, I’m sure I could receive preferential treatment of some kind. Sadly, rescinding the Emancipation Proclamation would not fix things for everyone, though. So maybe I should go back a step further.
Maybe just still being British would be sweet. I would get to have a cool accent like Don Cheadle in Oceans 11 and 12. I could go to the pub on my lunch break and have a beer without getting weird looks from co-workers after lunch that can smell the barley and hops on my breath. Jesus! Do you really think one Pabst is gonna keep me from doing my job? And I could be a part of a country that actually has a 3 party political system. I’m sure the taxation thing would have sucked for a while, but they would have let us have some representation by now. “To the honorable gentle from across the pond…” Maybe I could’ve even been knighted by now! They have half-breed knights and lords don’t they?
Gay Canadians Unite!
Maybe I should use my “independence” to just leave the good old US of A. I hear the great white Generica to the north is nice this time of year. Plus our 51st state just legalized that whole gay marriage thing nationwide. I bet I could get some free drinks at the bar from that one. Maybe I could go be a stuntman in Vancouver. I’m sure they’ve got work on Stargate SG1. Plus the medical is sweet up there. When you start taking away options and specialists the prices really come down! I don’t know how good I’d be at learning Frog, but I really like those really thin pancakes and I think I could get used to Hockey. I mean hey the French taught a lot about freedom by giving us that giant floating statue right, and shit, the Canadians gave us Celine Dion. That's worth something, right? But maybe a country that is a cross between England and France that wants to be America except with more gay people isn't quite the direction I should head.
South would be way warmer. Maybe instead of Canada, I should jump the border and live in Mexico. I could open a party bar in Cancun where it would be like Girls Gone Wild everyday! Or better yet I could kidnap those foolish American girls and sell them into white slavery down in Bogotá. Maybe I’d be doing them a favor. I could trade them for drugs that I could then use my new Mexican friends to smuggle back into the US as drug mules. But let’s face it. Does anyone really want to be the rich American druglord in Mexico who runs a spring break paradise? No way.
The Texans Golf Cart Special
Okay, so maybe I am better off here in the good Ole ‘Nine Ted States Uvva Merica. Where I could be a Texan in my pick-up with a loaded gun on the gun rack and an open container in my lap. Or I could be a New Englander that lives everyday of life excited because there are finally some decent sports teams in my neck of woods for the first time since the Larry Bird Celtics. Or I could be a Floridian or Ohioan and help the conservative right rig Presidential Elections. I could be a Californian who worships the mystic properties of the avocado at a yearly festival and thinks that driving a Prius is the answer to all of the world’s ecological problems. I or could live in Idaho and grow potatoes. Or I could live in Oregon and grow pot. Hell if I moved to Georgia I could still be a slave too. The Waffle Houses in Georgia don’t have a smoking and non-smoking sections they have a black section and a white section, and everybody smokes. I guess I could sit at the counter in the middle. But I’d still be in America and I’d still be an American.
So maybe, just maybe, my independence is worth sky rocketing gas prices, shady politicians, crappy work environments with less good job opportunities, piss poor health care services, and not a dime of money waiting for me after I retire. Maybe wasting my tax dollars to give congress a pay raise is better than feeding the poor. Maybe I like lining Hu Jintao’s pockets when I shop at Wal-Mart. Because dammit, I am a Patriot and watching people blow up colorful gunpowder while humming along to patriotic songs that have words we have all forgotten, proves just how much of a true independent American I am.
You should use your independence and move to another country. That's the brightest idea in your "headline".
Will Flippo
Must be nice...
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Post #: 4
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Posted: 7/1/2005 2:32:50 PM
Must be nice not to have to be responsible for anything in life. You have an enlightend attitude that us hard working, caring and appreciative individules can only hope to someday understand.
Happy birthday America!
Semper Fi
Pinto
Dead Wrong!
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Posted: 7/1/2005 3:53:04 PM
It sounds to me like this guy has plenty of responsibilities and I thought this was funny as hell! I can see why other people don't though becuse he has pretty much found a way to say something that will offend almost anyone, especially around the fourth of July. These might not be the smartest things to say this weekend, but you're an idiot if you don't think this article is insightful and hillarious.
Jenny
Not bad
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Posted: 7/1/2005 4:38:51 PM
I thought this was funnier than the Mr. Drunk Patriot thing.
Maybe I am just a fan of bitter comedy, but I really like this one too.
Stan
Funny
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 7/1/2005 6:55:48 PM
I thought this was funny as hell. I'm from Atlanta and I can tell you the Waffle House thing is totally true outside of the big cities!
MikeH
DIdn't suck
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Post #: 8
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Posted: 7/1/2005 7:33:00 PM
but wasn't great either.
Bogus
wHATEVER
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Posted: 7/1/2005 7:57:25 PM
Eh, mediocre at best. I thought the pussy thing ran yesterday, so when did this run?
The Texas golf cart is fucking awesome!
bigDAWG
Holla
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 7/1/2005 8:08:24 PM
that shit about the light skinned guy getting it better than the dark skinned brothas is funny as fuck. you guys are just pissed because he obviously doesn't agree with WHITE AMERICA'S bullshit values!
if he doesn't open up girls gone wild nightclub in cancun then I will.
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