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We think this is Napalm
We are proud to once again present another insightful batch of Movie and Music reviews from our good friend Ret. Marine Gunnery Sergeant Joaquim Harold "Napalm" Jones who was not killed in the devastating Asian Tsunami and is now free from his North Korean captors. Enjoy!
“Dear PhatPhucks,
I hope you all have mongoloid children that die a slow Terri Schiavo like death from the plague. Here are my reviews for the week. Don’t fuck them up this time!
-Napalm”
Southern Fried Rating Scale PPPPP - Sausage Biscuits & Gravy Good PPPP - Fried Chicken after church good PPP - Sweet Tea Good PP - Making Your vote count in Florida Good P - Black Man at a Klan Rally Good P - little p is given for extra accent twang
Miss Congeniality 2 PP
There was a “Miss Congeniality 1”? That must have happened during my last stint at the VA hospital for treatment of molluscum contagioscum related lesions. I’ll admit, I have been a fan of Sandra Buttocks ever since those skin tight pants in “Demolition Man,” but I just don’t get how this movie got made. If they hadn’t let me in for free to screen this I can’t have imagined knowing it even existed. There is no plot other than Sandra pretending to be unpretty and manish, then miraculously being pretty, but since she was never unpretty where’s the excitement in making her pretty again. I just don’t get it. It’s time to pull out "Fire On The Amazon" again so I can see her only, all too brief, nude performance. The movie sucked, but it gets one P for Sandra’s left cheek and one P for the right cheek
The Amityville Horror (2005) Pp
I’m half tempted to pull the pin and swallow a grenade. What the fuck? Enough with the remakes. I spent the whole of 2001 feeling like I was having a ‘Nam flashback, with the 16 year old syphilitic whore in my bed and “Planet of Apes” on the big screen. This movie does have a few minor things going for it. First off is Ryan Reynolds. He was good in The In Laws, great in Van Wilder and stole the whole show in Blade: Trinity, which other wise would’ve totally sucked. The other thing this flick has going for it is TV hottie Melissa George who played Lauren Reed on last season’s Alias, though without her accent and all of her clothes on, she falls quit a bit short. Basically this movie isn’t the worst movie ever made, but you’d be more scared watching them make the chilli at Wendy's.
Frank Miller’s Sin City PPPP
Now here’s a new idea. Take a really good story (or several as the case may be), get a really good cast, combine several top directing talents, and make a movie with a totally new and original look for under 50 million dollars. I’d say it was impossible if they hadn’t just done it with “Sin City”. Robert Rodriguez (Director #1) has to be credited with budget. He has perfected the art of saving money with virtual sets and digital photography. Frank Miller (Director #2) has been a pivotal contributor to Hollywood with his comic book writings and finally gets a chance to show that he can bring it to the big screen without some 22-year-old Hollywood exec fucking it up. Quentin Tarrantino (Special Guest Director #3) should definitely be credited with bringing the energy (or maybe just the blow) to the project. The movie is black and white with only limited use of colors to enhance violence, action and art design. And it totally draws you right back into the screen. Besides all that, who wouldn’t love a movie that prominently features Jessica Alba in leather underwear? She plays, thank god, a stripper named Nancy. The part gives our favorite dark angel a chance to put some of those dance steps from “Honey” to work.
TV
The Contender PPP
Here’s a great pitch for you… Boxing as a reality show! Hah! There was never any reality in boxing to begin with. This weekend’s Wrestlemania will probably offer more surprises than the last 4 years of boxing combined, which is why something about the Contender just works. The show does however have tons of moments that fall way short of the mark, like the canned audience sounds during the fight and the presence of Sylvester “I Only Did One Porno But I Was Rocky” Stallone.
DVD
Closer PPp
Natalie Portman was rewarded with a Golden Globe for her portrayal of a stripper in this movie. Not quite as worthy a win as Halle Berry’s oscar win for getting scrumped by Billy Bob Thorton in “Monster’s Ball,” but Natalie didn’t get naked or realistically poked. I’m starting to think maybe there should be some type of award that just honors hot actresses for roles that require little to no clothing. Then Rachel Weisz, Liv Tyler, Carla Guigino, Chloe Sevigny, Christina Ricci, Naomi Watts, and Halle Berry could all get the credit they truly deserve. Speaking of pulling a Halle Berry… Did anyone hear about Paula Abdul’s no talent ass pulling a hit and run? After the incident she told the cops her car had been in the shop for days, but then the mechanic at her shop told the cops she brought it in about 30 minutes after the accident. She’d have to be a lot hotter or a lot sluttier for that mechanic to lie for her. I like to see her spend some time in a cell with Winona “I’d Love To” Ryder.
Music
Beck Guero PPP
Beck’s a genius, and I mean that sarcastically. He developed a sound that captured the imagination of the entire music world. Then he pulled a Radiohead and completely abandoned that sound thinking that he could do anything once he had made it. Now, after 3 albums with dismal sales he decides to return to sound that got him popular in the first place. But lo and behold, nobody gives a fuck now! The hip/hop beats are back, courtesy of the Dust Brothers, and the record is pretty good, but the sound is no longer his. The sad thing is, I don’t think he was off the mark when he strayed originally. Midnight Vultures is a great album. It just didn’t have any of that white boy at Run DMC concert feel that people were looking for. My advice to Beck is don’t be John Kerry. Make up your mind and stick to it. Don’t say, “Fuck it, I’m coming out against Nam,” and then try to run as the “We’re going to kill them all!” candidate. You're married for fucks sake! Get over the breakup with your girlfriend already, or I will take your “Black Tambourine” and stick it knee deep in your Hershey highway.
Hi Son, Didn't know you had it in you!!! Although I didn't "get" half of what you wrote -- not being a movie-goer, not watching much TV, and ,forget the music--- however, I did pick up on a few bad words. Just remember -- your momma is 'still alive and well and living in ..........' And, I haven't lost my eyesight yet, either. (Smile!!!)
Love you, baby. (Where'd you get such pungent satirical wit, anyway???) May have been that killer combination of breast milk and oatmeal.
Jason
Napalm
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Posted: 3/31/2005 11:39:58 AM
Napalm Why is it you remind me of Major Payne???
Chipper Jones
FUck You
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Posted: 3/31/2005 5:52:37 PM
Dude, you are a total asshole!
All your articles do is objectify talented women! It honestly seems like you don't even watch these fucking movies! Get a real job and leave the reviews to people who actually know something about movies!
Chipper's Brother
He's Wrong
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Posted: 3/31/2005 5:56:58 PM
My brother just had me read these movie reviews and I think he's totally wrong! It seems to me like this is all in character and that's half the joke. I thought it was funny and it seems like this guys actually does know alot about movies but is just using that for laughs instead actual reviews. My brother's a dick. I think this site should keep doing these. They are really funny reviews!
Nasty Nigel
Shit Packer
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Posted: 3/31/2005 6:17:45 PM
GREAT FUCKIN STUFF...made my entire month. I will return for more cannon fodder. Please keep it up.
P-Phunk
Keep your pecker hard and your powder dry brother!
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Posted: 4/1/2005 1:55:23 PM
Nice obligitory Radiohead and Halle Berry references, wouldnt be a Napalm Jones review without them! I was a little worried Sin City would be a waste of 23.75(Ticket+ExtraLarge Popcorn+Reeses Pieces+Cherry Squishy), but since every critic in the world is slobbing its knob, including you, Im sold!
ERICVEL
WWW.SINCITY.COM
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Posted: 4/2/2005 5:11:17 PM
I saw Sin City and it wasn't all that good, but I just bought the poster that you have on this page cause Jessica Alba is fine.
Lord Kuagar
Sleeping With Goats
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Posted: 4/3/2005 11:05:37 PM
Just wanted to drop in and say that Sin City is one of the best movies i have seen in a while. I have been so bored lately with a lot of the crap that has been coming out. The theaters have been so dry lately. I haven't been this excited for a movie to come out since probably Kill Bill 2 or something (well maybe more recently than that) and it met every expectation. I advise EVERYONE to see it and if you don't like it keep watching it until you do. It owns you!!!
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