I'm out in downtown San Diego last night. I love San Diego; I love the varying degrees of things to do...the mixture of cultures. However, I hate downtown. It's uppity, expensive, and pretentious. Dude, I live in San Diego because I enjoy wearing shorts and flip flops in December. I'm not here because of the women, the beaches, the women, the amazing Mexican food, the women... no, I live here because of the weather. Yet, when I go downtown I have to wear shoes... closed toe shoes. Apparently, sandals say "low class", but shoes say "high class". Bullshit! I have flip-flops that cost more than most of the shoes people wear when they go downtown. Hey, assholes, take it a step further. Why not only allow shoes of a certain price range into your clubs? "You want to get into my club? You'd better have on at least $100 dollar shoes... and I want that proven with a receipt." On off nights, run a promotion..."50 Dollar Shoe Night".
The other thing I love about the Gaslamp (that's what we call downtown), are bathroom attendants. These guys' sole purpose in life is to hang out in the bathroom and hand me paper towels after I wash my hands. Here's the kicker; these assholes expect you to tip them. Given, the good ones will have the bathroom stocked with gum, mints, cologne, 'grits, lotion (either that's for guys who want to rub one out, or for the ashy brothas). My point is: I just want to piss, wash my hands, and get back out there and hope the God of Getting Me Laid is going to grant me luck that night. But no; these damn bathroom attendants have to throw a glitch in the system. Because now I feel obligated to tip them. Apparently, handing me a damn paper towel is worth a buck. I usually wash my hands twice; once before I touch my dick, and once after I'm done pissing. So does that constitute two bucks because they handed me paper towels on two separate occasions? Now, if I take something they offer (gum, mint, lotion, etc), then I see me tipping them. I swear to God though, if I'm tipping you a buck, I'm using a dollars worth of your gear. I'm taking three sticks of gum, a 'grit, spraying three different types of cologne on, and then some lotion to rub one out. Here's the gray area- do I have to tip them extra because they're providing me with extra towels for my jerk-off clean up?
Here is the greatest scam of all time - the Flower Pushers. Every city has them. They're the guys/ladies who walk around with roses and offer them to you when you're out with a girl. So here I am, downtown, dressed nice, on a first/second date with a girl, trying to impress her with dinner at a fancy restaurant. Of course her and I are sitting outside because the weather is perfect, and along comes a Flower Pusher. "Would you like to buy a rose for the pretty girl?" the Flower Pusher asks. What the fuck! Thanks a lot, asshole- now I'm backed into a corner. What's more, these assholes can charge whatever they want for a rose. Twenty bucks a pop, I don't pay that and now I'm cheap. So either I pay $20 for a goddamn rose, and hope that gets me a little closer to getting into her pants. Or I don't, and lose all chance of pussy altogether.
So between the shoes, the bathroom attendant, and the Flower Pusher, I've spent $300 before I've even bought a drink or dinner. Don't get me started on the cost of parking and the fucking cover charge to get into a club....
SoCal isn't that great Posted: 7/23/2006by: Cricket So what if your sandals are expensive? In this day and age, you can get bejeweled retainer but it doesn't make it any less classy. In the words of the great Dolly Parton "It costs a lot to look this cheap."
I put at least a quarter in there for the bathroom attendent b/c I've been in some disgusting bathrooms and there's something to be said about a well run bathroom - just having it fully functional is great b/c you never know what kind of fights that person has had w/ bathroom clogs and other mishaps that some inconsiderate fuck has subjected the attendant to. On top of everything, this person spends their shift IN A BATHROOM. I don't care how clean it is, the aura in the bathroom is just kinda gross in general.
Girls understand when you don't buy flowers from the flower pusher. Those things are cheap anyway and will wilt before you end the night. Buy her a chocolate ice cream cone and assess her skills. It's cheaper and chocolate always beats flowers. Fuck you guys Posted: 7/7/2006by: Matt To all the negative commenters: Go and spend a few weeks in San Diego and you'll feel the same way. Gaslamp, who needs it Posted: 7/5/2006by: UNOME I agree with everything said about why I also live in San Diego. And for all those out there confronted with the situation of a pushy towel jockey, 5 words: I'll Get You Next Time.
Works for atleast 3 visits including a mouth wash, some binaca and smacking him in the nuts for expecting compensation for a task that a mediocrely trained monkey can perform. dude you are seriously a loser Posted: 6/1/2006by: Hot Carl "My sandals cost more than most people's shoes" whoooooa! Cool guy! I need to hang out with THAT GUY! You can wear your expensive flipflops in Hillcrest, Nancy. You are definitely the guy that gets beat up every weekend. And you are the only guy I've ever met that has used the expression "open toed shoes" hahah... pussy dude you are seriously a loser Posted: 6/1/2006by: Hot Carl "My sandals cost more that most people's shoes" whoooooa! Cool guy! I need to hand out with THAT GUY! You can wear your expensive sandals in Hillcrest, Nancy. You are definitely the guy that gets beat up every weekend. Didn't Like It Posted: 5/26/2006by: Tangent Guy because it was whiny, and Dudes don't whine. Either tip or flip the guy off, but don't whine (especially if you do tip). Consider yourself lucky that you don't have to hand out paper towels to douchebags in the head in order to pay your rent. OK Posted: 5/26/2006by: Charlie Sheen I thought the Masturbation article was pretty good, and this one wasn't bad.
But I am disturbed by a guy who washes his hand before he touches his crank. Where, exactly, has it been (I mean, it's not like you shouldn't know, right)? Or was that meant to be sardonic?
P.S. Bathroom attendants make great look-outs, if you slip them a Benjamin. BUSTED Posted: 5/26/2006by: douchepatrol Miss Diva- Pull the fuck over. Go on. Get in the back of my paddywagon, beyatch. You're a douchebag.
Mr. Scott- I'm gonna let you off with a warning for the article. I am, however, writing you up for your bio. Consider this a "fix-it" ticket. Change your mind about your bio quote. You douchebag.
Mr. Kickass- Well done, sir. You have lived up to your name (today, anyway).
Move along folks... nothing to see here. Fuck em Posted: 5/26/2006by: Black Tony The only time you should tip the filth handing out towels is after you piss on the filth handing out the towels.
Although, Harry C's in Chicago has the best bathroom guy in the world. He remembers everone. I shit you not. From one St. Patty's day to the next, this dude remembered my name and occupation. So, I pissed on him and gave him a five job. Joe Kick's Ass Posted: 5/26/2006by: That Guy A lovely rant.
A bit shalow, perhaps, but not pedantic, by any stretch of the imagination (which, BTW, is still preoccupied with the vision of "Grandma" - I think that is the relative that works the best, here - being slammed into the deep fryer at Chili's).
