Unless youve been locked in a INS holding cell for the past few months you know that illegal immigration is a hot topic. Whenever the issue comes up its only a matter of time before some chode regurgitates the following bullshit line: Illegal Immigrants only want the jobs Americans wont do. No matter where you stand on illegal immigration, you should find this insulting.
First of all, it suggests that the illegals who have traveled thousands of miles and in some cases risked their lives to get here have no greater ambition than to clean a fucking toilet. These arent the monkey-servants from Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Theyre real people with reasoning skills. Call me crazy, but I think your average Juan Six-Pack wants the best job he can get, and any Gringo who might be adversely affected can go fuck himself.
Second, given that we live in a country where people are employed to keep dudes hard between takes on porno sets I think its safe to say that there arent many jobs that Americans wont do. Its just that they arent desperate enough to do them for three bucks an hour and a can of Goya beans.
That being said, I did some homework and found out that there are actually a few jobs that Americans will not do. As a public service announcement to our friends without papers, here they are. If you are here illegally, feel free to take these jobs, no questions asked.
May Day Protester Outside of a few college freshmen and most college professors, Americans dont give a flying fuck about May 1st. After all, nobody likes a communist. Besides, its a lot more fun to get drunk and barbeque on Labor Day than it is to march around like an asshole on May Day.
Because of this lack of interest, leftist groups like A.N.S.W.E.R. are trying to import their May Day protesters from south of the border, and it seems to be working. Somehow they were able to convince illegals that attending a giant May Day rally was the best way to gain amnesty. After all, nothing says Im a patriotic American like attending a giant commie rally and demanding justice.
Justice? Listen here, amigos. Castrating a rapist is justice. Gassing a murderer is justice. Hiroshima was justice. Coming into a country illegally and then making demands, well thats just fucking rude.
Clearly, Im kidding (except for the Hiroshima part, and the rude part, and the everything Ive said so far part). But in all seriousness, if you really want the May Day protestor job, its all yours. But if I were you Id cut the Che Guevara shit before Uncle Sam gets fed up and says adios.
Flavored Ice Vendor Flavored ice? What the fuck? I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, motherfuckers.
And whats with the cart? I know gas prices are high, but its 2006, man. Get a truck. Id imagine a full-fledged ice-cream truck is expensive, but I see illegals riding around in the back of pickup trucks all the time. At the very least, you should put the cart on the back of the pick-up and crank up the radio. It probably doesnt meet OSHA standards, but youre already illegal, so who gives a shit.
At any rate, you can push that flavored ice cart all day long because no American citizen in their right mind wants that crap job.
Roman Catholic Priest Its no secret that the Roman Catholic Church is having a hard time finding Americans who are interested in joining the priesthood. I wonder why? Oh right, that whole raping altar boys thing.
Enter the immigrants. The third world is ripe with superstition and pedophilia, which makes it the perfect place to recruit for the priesthood.
Imagine yourself as some poor unfortunate soul sitting in a third world shanty town fighting with stray dogs for a half-eaten McGriddle. Life is bad. Then one day some dude in a big hat shows up offering you food, magical powers, and a trip to America in exchange for leaving your shithole of a country. Did I mention youd also get all the wine-flavored blood you can drink? Who in their right mind wouldnt take that offer?
So welcome to America, father Ja-boo-too, or what ever your name is. Eat all you want, just dont touch the kids.
David Chappelles Replacement Last year, in a scene thats becoming all too common around the nation, a black worker (David Chappelle) left his job under mysterious circumstances only to be replaced by an unskilled Mexican equivalent that was willing to work for a fraction of the cost (Carlos Mencia).
Mencia:Beaner! Get it? Beaner! I can say Beaner cause Im Mexican!*
Idiot at Home:Ha Ha Ha Ha! The Mexican said Beaner! HAHAHAH!
Hey Carlos, just because its offensive, doesnt mean its funny. Case in point, this article.
*I know Mencia isnt illegal, and that hes only half-Mexican. I also know that this joke doesnt fit in with the topic of jobs Americans dont want. It was a cheap shot, but please remember I work for free. Why do you think I havent been replaced by an illegal?
Suicide Bomber/Hijacker Sure, Americans love to kill each other, but the whole suicide thing just isnt our style. In fact, the U.S. lags so far behind the rest of the world in this field that we are forced to import virtually all of our suicide bombers/hijackers from overseas.
Luckily, our hard-line foreign policy, coupled with our porous borders, make the U.S. an attractive market for international talent. With a little help from some of the more vibrant members of our illegal immigrant community Im confident that our nation can close the gap with Baghdad and Tel Aviv in no time.
Fucking Ugly Girls (aka the immigrant fuck ethic) Truth be told, there is one simple reason that immigrants have always and will always be needed in this country: they are willing to do the girls that Americans wont do.*
My great-grandfather left the old country one-hundred years ago on a raft made entirely of leftover pierogi and his own B.O. When he arrived in America he had no formal education, no trade, and hed eaten nothing but raw garlic since his twelfth birthday. But what he lacked in intelligence, skills, and hygiene, he more than made up for with his willingness to sex up ugly girls. Not long after he was processed at Ellis Island he married an American girl named Pig Faced Mary MacFatterson (he didnt speak English so the name didnt bother him).
As it turned out, his new father-in-law Nathaniel MacFatterson, a wealthy industrialist, was so happy that his hideous daughter had found a husband that he gladly welcomed my great-grandfather into the family, going as far as to have a local boy buried alive for making fun his new son-in-laws Slavic nose. From that day forward my great-grandfather was considered as American as garlic-apple pie, and everyone lived happily ever after (except for my great-grandmother, who was beaten nightly by her immigrant husband).
This same fuck ethic can be found in our latest batch of immigrants. Just last week I saw a Latino busboy leaving his restaurant for the day. Waiting outside was a girl who looked like a cross between Philip Seymour Hoffman and Courtney Love. Unlike native-born Americans who take their normal looking women for granted, this immigrant boy saw through her disgusting appearance and was grateful for what he had: an easy lay and a possible Green Card.
While an illegal immigrants willingness to do our most unwanted jobs is important, his willingness to do our most unwanted women is his greatest contribution to our society. So the next time you and your xenophobic friends decide to start rounding up illegals, ask yourselves this question: who is going to do all the fatties? *If you are a woman I know and you are dating or married to an immigrant, the answer is no, I am not talking about you. Youre a beautiful girl.
Well, thats it. As always, when you are done trashing the article, why not politely tell me what jobs I left off the list.
WHY CANT WE ALL JUST GET ALONG Posted: 7/20/2006by: Juan Pedro Sanchez MEXICO RULES How many Mexican's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Posted: 7/17/2006by: killbill Just Juan! ... Posted: 7/11/2006by: Elongated Man I like potatoes. Jesus, Mencia, shut the hell up...(oh, and hi Lisa) Posted: 7/10/2006by: Jason Thanks for the geography lesson, Mencia, you douche bag. You didnt happen to get that idea from Lisa did you? She said the exact same thing about two posts before yours, you hack.
At no time did I confuse Mexico with Honduras. Every reputable source I could find while doing my homework (NPR, IMDB, etc) says that hes half-Honduran and half Mexican (on his mothers side). Because of this I made sure to refer to him as half-Mexican so that some obnoxious asshole wouldnt give me shit. Looks like I ended up getting shit from an obnoxious asshole anyway.
You can listen to an interview on NPR in which Mencia himself claims his mother is Mexican, and his father is Honduran, with some German on his fathers side. Google it. The only places I find anyone saying that he is half-German/half-Honduran is on blogs and message boards. Not exactly what I would call reputable sources.
But if it turns out Mencia himself is lying, and NPR & IMDB are both wrong, well then fuck me in the ass. Ill admit I was duped.
But in the mean time Im not gonna sit here and let you say stupid shit like
...but then again you probably the type that thinks anyone of latin descent is mexican
Well, youre probably the type who sucks cock for attention.
Notice that I didnt give any other commentators shit (besides Lisa), even if they didnt like my article. I called you out because youre a miserable little cunt who is just looking for an excuse to whine. At least if youre going to complain try to say something less clichd. Oh, I guess they all look alike to you. Give me a break.
Eat shit and die.
PS Lisa, glad you liked my C U NEXT Tuesday, remark. Now I feel bad for using it. Unless of course you are being sarcastic, in which case it still applies. This Article Posted: 7/10/2006by: Tangent Guy was funnier that anything Mencia has ever done (whatever his freakin' heritage is). And it is not racist or anti-Latino to say that Dude isn't funny. Eddie Murphy stopped being funny after "Raw" and that doesn't make me a racist, either.
But doing lines off a homeless chick is cool if she's still alive (mmm, no teeth).
Well, Posted: 7/10/2006by: Lisa As mad as I was initially tempted to be at Jason's reply. I had to laugh out loud at how he cunningly spelled out the word "CUNT" at the end of his post.
"C U Next Tuesday, Lisa."
How could I not laugh? That was friggin' hilarious!!! ... Posted: 7/10/2006by: Elongated Man That's true. He could be a goddamned Martian and he still would be any funnier. Actually, it would kind of funny to see a Martian doing sketch comedy. But not very. Umm Okay Posted: 7/10/2006by: Queen Supreme Does it really matter about Mencia's heritage? He's still a horrible comedian.
Enjoyed the article Mathews. Again Posted: 7/10/2006by: mencia Jason,
I'm sorry man...I guess your having trouble understanding...Carlos Mencia is not Mexican AT ALL...he is half honduran(meaning from Honduras) and half german. Now if you were to look at a map, you will see that mexico is just above honduras with Guatemala and Belize preventing it from actually bordering with mexico. Although the people might look alike and speak the same language(spanish), I assure you that it is its own unique country and has a very different culture and identity. Nice try at your comeback here...thanks for the back up Lisa...Jason here is obviously the type that will argue to the grave rather than admit he didn't do his homework...good luck Jason Again Posted: 7/10/2006by: mencia Jason,
I'm sorry man...I guess your having trouble understanding...Carlos Mencia is not Mexican AT ALL...he is half honduran(meaning from Honduras) and half german. Now if you were to look at a map, you will see that mexico is just above honduras with Guatemala and Belize preventing it from actually bordering with mexico. Although the people might look alike and speak the same language(spanish), I assure you that it is its own unique country and has a very different culture and identity. Nice try at your comeback here...thanks for the back up Lisa...Jason here is obviously the type that will argue to the grave rather than admit he didn't do his homework...good luck Jason
Outside of a few college freshmen and most college professors, Americans dont give a flying fuck about May 1st. After all, nobody likes a communist. Besides, its a lot more fun to get drunk and barbeque on Labor Day than it is to march around like an asshole on May Day.
Flavored ice? What the fuck? I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, motherfuckers. 
Its no secret that the Roman Catholic Church is having a hard time finding Americans who are interested in joining the priesthood. I wonder why? Oh right, that whole raping altar boys thing. 
Last year, in a scene thats becoming all too common around the nation, a black worker (David Chappelle) left his job under mysterious circumstances only to be replaced by an unskilled Mexican equivalent that was willing to work for a fraction of the cost (Carlos Mencia).
Sure, Americans love to kill each other, but the whole suicide thing just isnt our style. In fact, the U.S. lags so far behind the rest of the world in this field that we are forced to import virtually all of our suicide bombers/hijackers from overseas. 
Truth be told, there is one simple reason that immigrants have always and will always be needed in this country: they are willing to do the girls that Americans wont do.* 
