This horse keeps a straight face as he ruins a parade by ripping out a fat shit. Brilliant!
Good Morning. Thinking about animals can be extremely overwhelming because there are so many great animals as well as so many stupid animals. Along with that, eating sugar all day can make you nervous about people and things that you know in your heart you should trust. Pop-up books about animals are also dangerous because they remind us of how powerful and animate animals are. They remind us of how many dimensions animals have (three).
Here are a few examples of how you should feel about certain animals right off the bat. Use this as a guide for the times youre studying about animals so you dont freak out and make the librarians stop you from learning about certain topics. I wish I had a guide like this last month because I went crazy at the library and am now banned from checking out books that deal with pelicans.
#1. Dolphins: It is not racist to think that all dolphins look the same. The truth is that they do all look the same. Even though most dolphins are aware of this, you shouldnt mention it if a dolphin is nearby because they could get offended. Its best to discuss it among people and animals that have unique facial features. If something is true about dolphins it isnt racist to acknowledge it so dont feel bad. However, it is totally racist if a dolphin moves in next-door and you think, There goes the neighborhood.
My advice to you is this: Feel very good about how dolphins look. Honestly, why not? They look great. They sport the bald thing very well and they always have an optimistic expression on their face. If I owned a car rental company, Id park a dolphin with a tie right in the complaints department. Then Id watch while angry customers try to scream at the dolphin. Good luck screaming at that great-looking face you fucking idiot, I would think and maybe even say it depending on where Im standing. After a couple of minutes, the dolphins positive attitude would seep into the angry customer causing him to apologize for freaking out. Then the customer would smile and say, Im ready to live my life now.
Later, well find out from the customers wife that her husband ended up joining the circus after a messy divorce. Being the manager, I would field that one by telling this woman that the dolphin is there to remind customers that life is about more than rental cars. Thats it. We cannot be responsible for how each customer reacts to this news. If she still freaks out, Ill have the dolphin give her some car rental discount coupons or something.
#2. Werewolves: Dont trust these beasts. According to an expert source, www.kidwizard.com, werewolves are humans that transform into wolves during a full moon. The transformation causes the subject to completely lose the ability to make rational decisions. Werewolves are known for eating corpses and living people, which is pretty irrational if you ask me! Often times, a werewolf cannot remember the time spent as a vicious wolf. This is frightening because the werewolf might consider himself to be a positive member of the community and really he's responsible for several deaths.
Is this Mark or his friend Rick? Fuck! They look the same!
There is this story about a werewolf that worked with the Meals on Wheels program. During the day, he prepared and delivered hot meals to many of the city's homeless population. Then at night, he hunted those same people down and ate them. I'm pretty sure that happened during the '80s.
Werewolves are also hard to catch. Their crimes don't have motives so the police find it difficult to anticipate the next crime or even find suspects. Even when police are pretty certain a werewolf is responsible for a crime, they are hesitant to release that opinion to the public. The majority of the general public is skeptical about the existence of werewolves. If you were a cop and you went to visit the family of a murder victim, the last thing those people would want to hear you say is, "I'm going to catch the werewolf that killed your aunt." For some reason they tend to think you're not serious about your job.
#3. Seals: It is perfectly okay to be disgusted with seals. I cant even deal with seals if Im high. I get so stressed out and irritated by how lazy they are it just makes me sick. Seals are such a drain on society. They claim to be entertainers, but these beasts basically just lie around and gain weight if you go visit them. Its like attending a live episode of MoNiques Fat Chance, but without the possibility of getting autographs. Really though, it isnt the physical appearance of seals that upsets me because its wonderful that they have dog-faces. What upsets me is that seals dont even try. They make no effort to be in any way, shape, or form conscientious of the people around them.
Last Christmas, I gave a seal this kick-ass rock tumbler as a gift. I waited for my gift, but the seal told me he forgot to get me anything. He then gave me this half-assed apology and said I could grab a handful of whatever seashells were stuck to his ass. I figured it was a lame gift, although really, not that lame because sand-dollars are alright, but then the stupid seal said, Oh, dont take any of the sand-dollars because I collect them. Thanks a lot, asshole!
Get a job you lazy asshole!
#4. Gerbils: Its fine to feel only so-so about gerbils because they are only so-so. If they werent, most pet stores wouldnt have a policy where if you bring in a dead gerbil, you get a free gerbil. Thats such a morbid and pessimistic way to view life, it makes you wonder what kind of confidence or self-esteem gerbils have to just let themselves be lumped together like that. Because of their lack of self-esteem, I like gerbils, but I dont respect them. In fact, gerbils can be so self-deprecating sometimes that it is difficult to be friends with them. I told this gerbil once that he was unique and not like the other gerbils. I dont know if it was the natural gerbil mentality or if he knew Id obtained him in exchange for a corpse, but the gerbil responded by saying, Its cool man. You dont have to pretend Im anything special.
Its fine to lose your temper with gerbils too because they are frustrating and insulting. It is not okay, however, to hit them with verbal attacks that go below the belt unless they make fun of something youre already embarrassed about, like the part in your Survivor audition tape where youre showing off your hunting skills and accidentally kill seventeen police officers. If that happens, its fair game to say something to the gerbil like, Nice hair-do, did our neighbor feltch with you again? After that, the gerbil will be pissed off and will likely need some alone time. From there, you should just wait an hour and then try to sort things out with the gerbil, especially if you still have plans to see AC/DC together in less than a week. Gerbils might be assholes, but they can sort through an argument in a mature manner. In no time, you will both be laughing and the gerbil might say, I dont even know what started this whole thing! Dont let him get off that easily. Remind him that what started this whole thing was that he keeps borrowing your hair-dryer without asking.
#5. Horses: You should always feel great about horses because they are impressive on all levels (including sexual levels based on some adult websites). Besides being outstanding in general, these reptiles are also elite masters of comedy. I had a friend that was in boy scouts when he was younger and he was telling me this story about an outdoor ceremony his pack leader was having. The scene was decked out with tons of flags, actors pretending to be Native Americans (or Indians if you believe in the politically correct term), and horses. Anyways, the pack leader was going on and on for hours about how sacred the ceremony was and everyone in the crowd was fighting to stay awake. Suddenly, my friend noticed that one of the horses just started shamelessly pissing on the ground. About a minute later, another horse decided to one-up the first horse and he ripped out a hot doop right in front of everyone! My friend said it was top-notch comedy. The horses really knew what the crowd wanted and they delivered. It was hilarious and what made it better was that during this slapstick display of hilarity, all of the horses kept straight faces. At first, I wasnt totally impressed by that fact, but my roommate reminded me of how hard his step-dad was laughing the time he pooped in one of the wicker baskets at Cost-Plus World Market.
reincarnation Posted: 10/27/2006by: DennisIsEvil I hope if when I die I get reincarnated as a horse so I can poop in public too. Funny stuff! Posted: 10/27/2006by: Randy Horses are funny reptiles. Very funny article. Funny Posted: 10/26/2006by: Sunr WTF???
I enjoyed this quite a bit. I'm even going as far as requesting you to add 5 more to the list.
I would really like to know how I'm suppose to feel about the Manatee the Armadillo, a Platypus, the Gibbon, and Sasquatch.
Nice! Posted: 10/26/2006by: Abominable That was great stuff. Thanks. Fuck you. Posted: 10/26/2006by: Deuce Mcstankfinger Worst fn article ever. I usually print out articles from TPP before I deuce up the office bathroom... I decided to spare some Charmin and wipe my ass with this article out of principle.
Fuck you Tom Oatmeal. You runied my shit. Hey Posted: 10/26/2006by: Bow Milton, why do you feel as though the south end of the horse goes the north? Why says when it goes from down? I don't think so. Well Posted: 10/26/2006by: Milton its nice to see that there are new articles up for a change? Whats been going on around here?
Anyway, this kinda sucked. Oatmeal Posted: 10/26/2006by: Bitch Boy Oatmeal sounds like Eric Filipkowski to me. This one doesn't have the underlying american psycho feel some of his stuff does though. so many questions Posted: 10/26/2006by: Max oatmeal = polk?
Joe Buck's fan = Victor French?
Eugene's girlfriend = a gerbil? Did You Know Posted: 10/25/2006by: A Pigeon That Albanian Guy carries over 100 communicable diseases? He also shits on statues and begs from bag ladies.
