 | Oops. |
Hey, all, this is Mikes cousin Randy. I borrowed the Camaro from my dad last weekend and accidentally wrapped it around a phone pole. I thought Id use Mikes ins with the Phat Phree to kiss my dads ass so hell let me borrow the Cavalier next weekend, because Destiny Grant said shed go out with me and everyone knows she puts out. So I put together the collected quotes of the old man, the brilliance hes shared with me over the last 24 years.
On Dichotomy - "It's too bad you're stupid, cuz you sure are ugly."
On Brotherhood - "No, your brother isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you're a spoon."
On Life - "Life is like a box of chocolates - it sucks when its empty. And meaningless. And filled with depression."
On Inquisitiveness - "There are no stupid questions, just stupid askers."
On Sports - "I'm sure there are worse athletes in the world than you, but they're probably hooked up to iron lungs."
On The Fairer Sex- "I like my women like I like my coffee - silent and in the cupboard."
On Existentialism - "It's okay; if we didn't have stupid people, we wouldn't have you."
On Capabilities - "It's a good thing there's breathing, or else there'd be nothing you're good at."
On Similarities and Differences - "Oranges are orange. Cheetos are orange. Yet they taste completely different. But they both leave shit all over your fingers."
On Charity - "It's too bad sperm isn't wheat, or we could wring out that sock under your bed and feed the world."
On Bargaining - "You wouldn't just buy a refrigerator for your igloo, you'd pay extra for the icemaker."
 | Bring it! |
On Employment(?) - "Chickens don't have teeth, but they'll peck your eye out. Remember that when you're at a job interview."
On Biology - "Did you know you can't stuff a baby back inside a woman? Found that out when you were born."
On Chance - "They say lightning never strikes twice. That's why we had your brother."
On Hydration - "The human body is 70% water, so without water, we'd be shriveled up bags of crap. Like your grandfather."
On Dating - "Theres plenty of girls thatll date you. Theyre called hookers."
On Teetotalers - "If God hadn't meant for us to drink, he wouldn't have made bars the only place our useless kids couldn't go."
On Open-Mindedness - "If your mother had just taken it in the back door, I wouldn't have to be wasting my time with this conversation right now."
On Entomology - "Did you know that some beetles eat their young? Hmmmm...you'd probably be all fatty and gross."
On Fortune - "If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have you."
On Life (II) - "Life is kind of like a squirrel. It just sits up in a tree, munching on delicious nuts, chattering away, mocking you and your worthless self."
 | What? |
On Poetry - "Nothing rhymes with purple. But you're a moron. Funny, huh?"
See, dad, I HAVE been listening all these years. I love you, dad, and I really am your son. The DNA tests proved it!
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